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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish that you would just let go of the past and let me move forward already.
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Re: Screaming thread.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but its much more than that. Maybe not the same form but its deeper than that. Yet no one realizes that.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish that they weren't closed until the 9th. :glare:
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Re: Screaming thread.
The good news is that I can finally get a hair cut. The bad news is tomorrow is a LONG day, I have to get up, deal with her, and find a way to get the laundry done despite being gone for a huge part of the day. And I hope I like this new doctor/staff because they're my only option.
I really don't want to do this. And for some reason I want you to make it all okay again and you can't. That was so rage-inducing, I can't even. I need her to not be a nightmare, but she will be, it's just the way it is. Definitely like the other guy better and now my vision is blurry for no reason and I have ANOTHER headache. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I feel ill and not well. I'm just exhausted.
I want more sleep I hate insomnia |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish there was more that I could do for Nan. I feel so bad that she's this sick, and I know it's out of my hands. I just have to have faith in God and hope that his will is done. I just feel guilty is all.
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Re: Screaming thread.
My god please take this from me...
Why is it that I just can't talk to people? I can't have a normal conversation I can't have friends because of it I can't even talk to my family. I can't ever organize my thoughts I can't ever set what I want to say and when I finally can I'm stifled. They all just look down on me, because I'm younger, because I'm lesser somehow. Why? Why don't I get to win? They get the amazing life stories and the charm and all the fun, and I can't even have a decent conversation with someone. I don't even have friends because I can't talk to someone, any time I try to just talk the person judges me and pushes me away I don't understand it. What am I supposed to do? They don't get it... I don't think there's a single person like me, someone who understands it and thinks the way I do. I'm so different, I sing fit in anywhere, I don't think I ever have. Not even in my family. And I dint want to belong, most of them are a bunch of judgemental, ungrateful, mean spirited people, and easily just a bunch of jerks. They don't care for me, they don't care for anyone but themselves, and ask they do is hate. I don't want that, I don't want to be anything like that crowd, but it's lonely outside of it. It's lonely being so different and distant from everyone else. Better to be alone than in bad company, right? My heart hurts again. My heart and my hands and my head. I'm pretty sure I'm going mad. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I was dead. . . . .
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Re: Screaming thread.
I really just want to be heard.
I want the medical professionals to hear me. |
Re: Screaming thread.
If I disappeared, no one would notice or even care.....
Worthless. . . . . |
Re: Screaming thread.
Jordan has to work late today, and I don't like it. D: I wish he could just come home at his normal time so we could play video games and cuddle and stuff.
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Re: Screaming thread.
A year later and it still hurts. The only good thing is that they stopped actively beating the emotional crap out of me, but I kept that up for them, so... From what I've heard though, it never really goes away. I think it will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Thank you very much! Add to that the fact that I can't do or have anything that I want and you have a recipe for continued failure. Sounds like fun.
WHY do I have to want everything I can't have?!?! A PhD. I'm not convinced I want or could even get or finish feels like my only option. I don't want to risk this ruining my life again. There is no choice about this, people need to stop saying that. I knew you'd eventually stop, intentionally or otherwise. It's fine. I feel like I can't live with this and I can't share it with them because they're living my worst nightmare and I don't want to risk insulting the only people I've found who kind of almost get it. I'm done. Worst breakout of my life despite treating it every night; I'm about 10 years too old to still be having it this badly UGH. Sometimes I just want to slap people; and no, that won't work, I live it, you don't. There is no choice or self-fulfilling prophecy here and thinking happy thoughts won't make it any better. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I hate trying to deal with the local government agencies around here. They are all incredibly stupid.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Why the fuck did you want an Xbox with shit hard drive space? So what? Did my nan and grandad buy me a game at Christmas for nothing? Fuck you and your stupid choices.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wished I didn't have to deal with all this crap. I hate going up there, being told everything is fine, and then being told it's not. I'm starting to get annoyed.
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Re: Screaming thread.
You're such a hypocrite. You ranted to me when our friend cried in tutor and wouldn't say why, when you cry ALL THE TIME and its normally for a really stupid reason like the teacher wont let you go on your phone. How old are you?? 3?? And you also insult me and then say that I'm the rude one. You think its all right to hit me and tell me I look bad, that you hate me, that 'this' is why you hate working with me and then you expect me to still want to chat and laugh with you? And if I don't you call me boring. And whenever I try to make conversation you twist whatever I say into an insult against me and make me feel like crap. Like today when I was saying 'Should I risk eating this crisps in class?' and then you say 'When you get caught you'll make this face like you always do around adults and teachers' and you pulled an ugly face. Great. You've given me yet another to be insecure and another thing to worry about. You'd already told me to stop talking because my croaky voice (i had a cold which YOU gave me) sounded really annoying. And then you complain to our other friends that I'm annoying when all I've done is do our work (when all you've done is colour in the title??)
I thought we were best friends. Now I'm not so sure... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Shit day at work, people pissed me off left, right and centre- my social anxiety has gotten worse and I really don't wanna talk to my therapist tomorrow. And to be honest, I just want to drop dead.
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Re: Screaming thread.
No one kept their promise, but then again I'm no better. I'm actually worse.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I am picking it apart. I am making it worse then it needs to be. I know I am happy. I just can't allow myself to be happy so I pick it apart in order to be self destructive.
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Re: Screaming thread.
It's just starting to be all too much with you.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I can't do this anymore, I am defeated...
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Re: Screaming thread.
My cousin's my age- she's in full time education, can drive and has two jobs but me? I'm struggling with one job that I only do one day a week because of my severe anxiety oh and let's not mention how fucking low I've been feeling. Where did my life go so fucking wrong?
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Re: Screaming thread.
I want to help but I really suck with words now days. Blargh
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Re: Screaming thread.
Now that its here, I don't want to do this. But again, if you're willing to interview me without meeting the requirements or pre-screening me, it's on you because it's not like I lied about not meeting them. No, please don't go to the store during this! I will be done long before you and STUCK THERE, AWKWARD
Went out in a blizzard for a 4 minute pre-screening for a job I have absolutely no chance at. I can't When you're in a job interview and they ask (despite seeing no work experience on your resume, hearing your story of losing your masters degree through no fault of your own which was an attempt to fill in at least part of the 5 year gap between the degree you have and you sitting there, and them telling you that the bachelor's degree you're stuck with is worthless to them), what you've been doing for the last year and you can't tell them "Trying not to kill myself because I had my dream crushed from a disability and I can't get a job for all the reasons you just mentioned"; so you say,"Looking for a job because my bachelor's doesn't qualify me for much." (which they just so eloquently pointed out to you) You've got to be fucking kidding me! What do you think I've been doing?! I can virtually guarantee I won't be the only one who does that, and it's not like they warned me. I didn't even know he was friends with her, I'm finding people in this program everywhere on Facebook without even trying and after the day I had, I didn't need this one. She's loving living my dream that I worked harder than everyone else just to lose, and it wasn't even my fault.! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Being socially awkward fucking blows.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish it wasn't so annoying to buy things offline via paypal sometimes.
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Re: Screaming thread.
sick as fuck, computers crashing, I feel like hell, got that assignment due soon, got that overpriced charger stolen schools gonna fuckin charge that shit out of me for it though. My knees still hurt my eyes are heavy. my friends in the dumps. Some asshole just hides so I cant waste the fucker. And shadow warrior 2 isn't out yet
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Re: Screaming thread.
I guess since I'm optimistic, that means I'll never get depressed right? I must not have experience with this, because what I felt was false? Well, guess what? I'm not who you claim me to be. I'm not just smiles and hugs. I'm human too and I have feelings. But go ahead, focus on your boyfriend and much more interesting friends. Forget about the 6 years of friendship we spent. Because all I am is a lie. It feels as if all the resolve not to cut is melting away now...and you'll never know.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate how my biological family treats me. I mean seriously. My sister texts me this morning and asks me to drive her around today. I told her I couldn't because I had special plans with MY family, and she just got pissed. Wth.
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Re: Screaming thread.
You hurt my feelings last night, I take medicine to fall asleep, end up sleeping for fourteen hours, and as soon as I wake up you hurt my feelings again. Happy fucking Valentine's Day to you too.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Don't get engaged, you fucking moron! You stole the girl only 3 months ago from your gun-toting maniac of a best friend, and THIS is how he'll find out! Not only that, but you can't even support yourself, much less you and a girl who most likely has a tumor! You don't have a job! And you're 20!! Good God, WHY doesn't anyone ever listen to me???
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't think I am gonna sleep tonight and I have to run errands and study for a test tomorrow. WTF is wrong with me?
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish you would treat me better. You should at least stop getting so pissed when I refuse to allow you to treat me badly. No one has time for that. Sorry.
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Re: Screaming thread.
You suck. Srsly.
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Re: Screaming thread.
How on Earth did I ever get into this school??? I feel like a curled up little puppy thats getting kicked repeatedly in the nuts.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow, in fact I want to stop going because I've had enough of people. So I may earn a bit of money for myself but I know I'll keep fucking up, I'll keep having panic attacks and wanting to cry. I'll keep getting stressed because I can't suppress my emotions in this stupid fucking professional environment. I have this gut wrenching feeling that a customer is going to be an absolute dickhead and I'm going to go fucking ballistic. I'm gonna lose my temper because I can't handle being around strangers let alone HELP them. I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I want to do something that'll get me where I want to be in life. I can't do this.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Gotta go back to school and deal with the fuck heads some more. Atleast it'll be warmer out. Maybe it'll melt an inch or two off my "iceblock heart"
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Re: Screaming thread.
That may not be "how you do it", but "I can't have/do anything that I want because of this disability and I need any job I get because I have to survive" is an absolutely valid way to do it bitch so before you go insulting me for trying and "not knowing" when the posting was written poorly and they wasted my time, you might want to learn what tact and real "help" mean first or keep your fucking mouth shut. I lost everything to this disability and I know you know that because you responded to the post where I told them everything. And I don't have to defend shit to you so there. By the way, why are you in this group if you're going to say stuff like this to people who have it when you don't.
After a really rough day, I start to almost kind of think I might be able to make something out of this mess I've been stuck with and I get slapped in the face again. Failure and living off the government w, I swear that's all I'll ever be capable of. When I was 5 courses from my dream career masters degree, yeah, that's a fall from grace if there ever was one. I DELETED that for this exact reason, and it wasn't gone, which means I was just inundated with being told I'm "not ready" for things that CAN'T HAPPEN, if you would FUCKING LISTEN then I would feel more comfortable. And no, life is NOT what you make it, I'm neurologically screwed. I notice you suggested counseling, you did NOT tell me I was wrong about any of this I still don't like you and it's gone now so there we go. I still feel like this is going to force me to settle and FYI it already has in the worst way possible. I'm convinced the pain from this is never going to go away. I still want it even though I know how hard it was and what they put me through. I don't know when I'm going to stop desperately wanting what He already took from me. I wish I could do that, but if I had the skills necessary to do that, I'd be a licensed counselor by now and I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm losing myself and I don't think they're noticing. They see laziness. I'm just waiting to die.
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Re: Screaming thread.
It's petty, but I asked if you wanted tea and what kind. You said peppermint. The fucking peppermint was mine so that little huff of disappointment I heard when I said we're all out was uncalled for. I asked if you wanted honey, you said yes. While your tea is steeping, you come in and ask, "Where's my tea? I need to go to bed." And when I get the honey out for you, you reach for the sugar. I'm a little miffed so I tell you to put the honey up if you're not gonna use it. "Well, you're the one that got it out." I'm irritated now and you can tell, so you snap, "What's your problem?" and I say exactly that. I'm irritated. So you storm off muttering that you're not in the mood for anyone else to be rude to you. Completely unappreciative of my gesture. I didn't have to make you tea. I didn't have to make sure you got what you wanted. I always make your tea first whenever I do this btw. You were the one being rude. Instead, you played the victim. You ALWAYS do. Your shitty day at work is no excuse for you to be a drama queen when we don't cater to you. Your manager is bending the rules for you. Appreciate your fucking job, take the piss of customer service, and come home acting a little less like its our fucking fault. I was nothing but nice to you ALL DAY. But you don't care.
AND THEN YOU DONT EVEN DRINK IT. I JUST HEARD YOU POUR IT DOWN THE SINK. OH MY GOD. |
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