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Re: Screaming thread.
Finally got my schedule and, there are only 2 days that I'll have no life and be exhausted. I'm secretly hoping he'll reconsider that, only because 17 hours with 11 hours in between and essentially losing 2 whole days seems like more than part-time minimum wage is worth. So far I like this guy, but considering how many times I've said that about supervisors and authority figures only to have them screw me over, we'll see how it goes.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Yeah I hate me too but uk
At least you don't have to be stuck with me. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Such bad urges.
It'll make it worse. But they just keep coming back. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I love you and you left why why didn't you fight for me. Now i sit here crying my eyes out and thinking about death because you were the only person who kept me sane enough to stay in this hell hole that we call life
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Re: Screaming thread.
Thank you SO much for telling a random person I don't know about my sexuality. Again.
You do realise I'm very selective about who I tell, right? And for very good reasons. People get name-called, they get beaten up, or worse, they even lose their lives. You telling random people who I don't know nor trust puts me in danger, especially in a place like this. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and my neck fucking hurts and I'm developing one hell of a headache from working on the computer for so long.
But I need to get this done. i have to fucking get this done!!!! Why does that guy have to cut my time for writing my papers short? I had five more days and then he suddenly goes and asks me to hand them in earlier and I can't do this. I could, I actually could get this done, but of course my family has to get in between and I don't know how the hell I'm suppossed to get home early tomorrow to get this finished, cause knowing my family they'll keep talkign and talking and talking and I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so fucking tired and my brains a mess!!!! |
Re: Screaming thread.
breathe.
breathe.. |
Re: Screaming thread.
My feet hurt so bad. I could just die. Damn.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I have a right to my feelings and every reason in the world to be bitter. NOTHING has ever worked out or gone right for me, including the help it took me 12 years to seek in the first place, and I can't tell you how many times the phrase "unless it's me" or some variation has applied to my life.
I couldn't be more textbook for this, it's going to end one of 3 ways, none of them good or what I would EVER want for myself. I stopped seeing the point 15 years ago. I am NOT okay. I may never have a life, let alone one I'd want. I REALLY can't do this, my first day of work ever (7 hours and hopefully a break) starts in 12 hours. I don't want to do this even if it is the most disability-friendly work environment I'll ever find. I want to believe you had a hand in this, please work it out and be with me tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful, but I don't think I can do it, especially without you. And you! "Lack empathy" my ass. My friend lost family an hour ago and I'm crying with her, and want nothing more than to reach through my screen and hug her right now. You don't get to decide what I do and don't feel (and then use it to ruin my life) even though you already did. Honestly, I'd rather be failing at school than doing this and supervision spiraled the crap out of me. I haven't wanted to go back more in a LONG time. I can't fucking do this it's that simple. Tonight is the short shift and then I get 2 days off before my weekend SUCKS, I really hope this isn't going to be a consistent thing and that I'll get Monday off too because I'll need it. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I hate you all. Shame on you all. Are we even friends? Why do you do this to me?
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm NOT having a panik attack. It's not fucking worth it!
So goddamnit calm down! My damn heart can race all it want's I'm NOT going there! Not for this! I've had enough work related break downs already. I'm not gonna add another panik attack to the list! |
Re: Screaming thread.
God help me I'm struggling to even Type this.
I hate these people. They're so bad, and so annoying. They make this school even more of a hell hole |
Re: Screaming thread.
Why is my self-esteem gone today?
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Re: Screaming thread.
Haven't done anything today. Feel ill. Have a sore throat, ear ache, headache, feeling feverish, tired and just fed up. Now we have thunder and lightning and I'm scared of that too. Hope I can sleep all of this off.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Confusion, confusion, confusion and being lost is the theme today. At times I wish I had a good teacher >.<
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Re: Screaming thread.
I officially failed at adulting for the day. I need to contact the doctor because they screwed up so I can't get prescriptions and I'm already into my emergency supply which won't last until my next appointment. I've lost track of how long I've put this off for, but I did have a lot of the original meds and the extra ones he gave me. And I need to contact Medicaid to update my income even though I don't make enough for it to change anything. And I cut myself yesterday and have to work all day Friday and Saturday UGH!!!
I spent the entire day doing that and it's all gone! Started as the definition of a bad day at work, I'm sure this woman is nice (and she did move me to something easier), but her "management style" of being so harsh doesn't work for me at all. I might have to disclose the disability just to keep her off my back. Then I figured out what the hell I was doing. Just when you master one task, they switch you so something else. 8-5 tomorrow and most of next week. This 11 hours between shifts can't last forever, I can't do it. I was really hoping for an extra day off after doing this, but the only 2 days in a row I get off next week is the weekend. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I post here way too much...
This fucking anxiety! I hate it im with the only friends that I have and I can't have fun because I'm anxious for no fucking reason. And... Fuck. I can barely feel my arms, the urges are that strong. If I only I could actually cut my arms DMS not settle for just my shoulders. But I know that won't happen, they'd obviously see that. And I'd end up lying to them yet again. Fuuuucckk. I wish I could see him more. He's been so great, I really can't thank him enough. I hope something amazing happens tomorrow. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm just so done. The police aren't doing anything! It's been 6 weeks since it was reported and what do I get? Yeah, that's right - NOTHING. I am the one who has to live with what he did to me, I am the one who has to try and keep it together, I am the one who has to put up with the after effects of his actions. What an obnoxious, low-life, scum of the earth ******.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish my brother would respect me and my house a bit more. He is really starting to piss me off.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I really want to do more work but I am tired and obsessing about my grades isn't helping any. I have to at least try to do more but I know I'm overworking myself.
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Re: Screaming thread.
The ONE day you aren't 15 minutes away they sent me home 2.5 hours early
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Re: Screaming thread.
Perfect. The cosy apartment for rent near here is taken... I knew I should of taken it...
Oh well... |
Re: Screaming thread.
YOU MOTHERFUCKER
THE FIRST TIME I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY HANDS IN THREE DAYS AND IM FINALLY RELAXED AND YOU DECIDE TO THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM AND TAKE THAT FROM ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU YOUR A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN FUCKING HELL breath.... ....why the hell cant i trust you? why cant i trust you? Your the only one i really care about, the only one who actually deserves my trust. I should be able to trust you but i cant im still terrified. Whats wrong with me? I wish i coukd see you, i really need you, but none of that matters if i dont trust you. fucking hell. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm scared of my thoughts.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate that Jordan has to work today. I'd rather him spend the day playing D&D with us. :p
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Re: Screaming thread.
I had to endure 3 hours of church choirs today...
And I thought America's state of religions were the only ones that had it religious freaks... Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with it but enduring the religious songs and speeches for 3 hours made me go nuts a little. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I hate that everyone expects me to give them reasons for why I do what I do. 'Oh, you're making a new character for D&D? Why?' or 'OH, you're drinking tea at 12 noon? Why?' or my favorite, 'You wanna stay home today and spend time with your family? Ew, why would you ever want to do that when you could follow us and be totally uncomfortable all night.'
I shouldn't have to explain everything I do to you. Just trust that I know what I'm doing, and know that this is my life, so these are my decisions, and I don't have to have your stamp of approval. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I want to go back so bad right now, and it makes absolutely no sense. You have no idea how much it sucks to want the impossible so badly it hurts.
Cashiering for the first time on Thursday, hopefully the 20 minutes of training will stick with me, or I can go over it again before then. Watch me screw up and get myself fired, stupid disability Just when I think I finally might be ready to reach out for professional help, he has me scheduled for so many hours that it would be impossible to schedule I (usually) only get one weekday off, it's always different, and I don't have my schedule until like 2 days before I need it. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I dont want to do this exam.
I'm so scared. Fuck. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Fuck my life. I wish he had talked to me.
Going on day five of numb hands. Why the fuck can't I feel my hands? |
Re: Screaming thread.
Too afraid to leave, too depressed to stay. Entropy.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate that I have zero energy! Emotionally I feel great, and I'd love to get the house clean, but physically I feel so tired, and would rather crawl in to bed with Ava and take a nap. :\
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Re: Screaming thread.
My hand was shaking so much I could barely get my answers on the page.
The invigilator made me feel like I was in trouble for something I hadn't done. I've probably failed Two to go. I can do it. I can do it. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I am not sure what's going on with me. I am just angry all the time. I want to lash out. I don't but it's constantly there. I just want to cry. I think I am stressed out with everything. I know that's probably it but I wish I wasn't obsessively thinking.
There's nothing I can do to make it better but I am gonna obsessively think about this until it drives me mad. What the hell is wrong with me? I need a new place to vent. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I just drove all the way up to the next city to run and errand. I came home, and expected to be able to focus on getting the house cleaned up. (I've been trying to do this for the past week and something has always came up.) Now Sam wants me to run him all the way back up to the city, and to get him clothes for an interview. (It's going to cost more gas, that I don't exactly have right now.) So I'm angry.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I could believe her when she tells me I'm not fat.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Yeah, that's right.
Keep it up. You're like a damn puzzle I can't solve. AND I'm generally great at puzzles. I guess your pieces just don't fit in together, then. NOT. MY. DAMN. FAULT. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I really don't know if I believe myself anymore...
Nobody does, and I like to consider my options before I chose. Of course I mustn't compromise who I am, at least not again so I shouldn't just... die. I just need to... hold on, but it's pointless to do so. I just want someone to tell me to hold on. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Please help I can't fight this anymore. I'm fucking done. Please please don't ignore me, I'm obviously not ok. Please I really need someone.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I shouldn't have had to ask for my second break, but I suspect I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise and I couldn't physically stand anymore. DON'T YELL AT ME, if you want to fire me for not over straightening the already straight product and/or putting the garbage in the wrong place/wrong size bags in the cans, it's not worth it. I'm on the verge of quitting and It's only been 3 weeks. I need to go back to academia where I belong, but I don't think that's an option, at least not for a while. If I had people skills, I'd be a counselor right now and I wouldn't be in this nightmare. I'm assuming I'll be let go at this point and I'm completely fine with that.
I can't, I just can't. This is part of why I wanted the day off, because I don't think I can handle both. Especially since they'll probably both involve getting yelled at. Well, the doctor didn't yell at me, but that test was more frustrating than it needed to be and blurred my vision before they tested me for glasses so they'll probably be blurry now too, awesome. Now I get to work a 5 hour shift with a (most likely) angry at me manager. Please tell me I'm not working Sunday Unofficially terminated with practically no chance of going back and my only "real" job only lasted 18 days, and I only worked 11. Fucking awesome. You know, I can only lose gainful activities (employment, career program, school etc.) despite doing "nothing wrong" so many fucking times before I lose it Apparently this is hitting me harder than I thought (or rather has triggered more than I thought it would), depression here we go again. It's not irrational if it's true and I'm out of reasons not to, great. 25.5 hours later and I'm already done. |
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