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Re: Screaming thread.
Jordan leaves in a few days and I'm not ready for that to happen. :(
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Re: Screaming thread.
I am so tired of life. It's never gonna be okay because of this mental illness that I have. I'll never have a normal life. I am gonna be medication dependent the rest of my life just to function half way.
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Re: Screaming thread.
The cat is likely headed for another near (if not actual) death experience and with everything else it's too much. Help isn't an option because I've been screwed multiple times on both sides of the couch (get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean). I might be heading for my second panic attack, and I can't do this. There is literally no way out and as much as I don't want to bother applying to a job I won't get for lack of experience, I can't afford to keep avoiding, turning down, or cancelling these. Is it better to try until you've failed so many times you give up, or just not bother?
I hope you're happy and don't regret your decision because it destroyed me worse than I thought it would and you get to move on like I never existed. This was my worst nightmare for a reason. Actually, the closer you look at it the more DIFFERENCES there are. You don't decide what my diagnosis is, I do. And until it's recognized, I'll be the only one who does only because the professionals can't Still don't want to do this. I'd rather spend the time looking for a therapist which should tell you how bad this is. Looks like I'm not going after all, at least it wasn't an actual interview I blew off this time. When they start with "we have a lot of people" and "you should get in here as soon as possible" when you tell her you can't come right this second, then realize they "prefer" experience that means it won't be worth it anyway because I wouldn't have gotten it. Yes I realize this time I screwed myself over and believe me, I hate myself for it. But again, had no chance due to the fucking disability so it would've been wasted effort. The other one I blew off was after my due diligence raised suspicion. Therapy it is. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I hate my German teacher so fucking much. And she's only been here for a week.
I am one more all-nighter away from snapping on that herpes-infested piece of horseshit. |
Re: Screaming thread.
When your friends don't check on you as often as you'd think they would after coming home from a suicide attempt <
When you try to get Medicaid to help pay for the thousands of dollars inpatient and outpatient are going to cost you BUT because you're doing it all voluntarily they won't give you shit < "But it'll be worth it!" Sure. |
Re: Screaming thread.
When the guy you have a massive crush on is moving to... FUCKING CHINA, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
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Re: Screaming thread.
Jordan left very early this morning. I'm super sad that he is gone, but I know that him going on this show is what's best for us as a family. I just hate being alone at night.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Screw this...
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Re: Screaming thread.
I was planning to turn onto my back when I started throwing up. Of course, I was barely conscious when it happened so I didn't do that. I wish I had.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm fed up of always being last on your list. I'm fed up of you not considering my feelings. I'm just fed up. Right now I need your support and I'm just not getting it. I may seem strong, but everything has got too much for me, I can't do this alone. I need you to support me, because right now I think I'm one step away from a total break down. There is only so long one person can stay strong for and only so much one person can do alone.
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Re: Screaming thread.
So, can you tell me more about the situation please? I can't really understand what your trying to say. Thanks.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I have a headache and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Based on the way my stomach feels I'll be up sick in extreme pain later and there's no way to prevent it; I can only take the edge off.
And I was right. So now that I'm awake, there's this: I keep going back to that, but my chances are almost zero and if my go-to recommendation is against the idea, it'll never happen. I don't want to beg or have this happen again because he knows something I don't and I'm barely surviving this time. That's an option, but anything requiring prac/human contact scares me now. He suggested that, but it sounds so boring I don't think that'll work either. I was hoping that there was an option I didn't know about, but I can't seem to find any. And no, that won't work because it doesn't work for anyone else and I want SO MUCH more for myself than manager in fast food. So, I'm back to one of my original options. Maybe the other concentration will combine strengths while avoiding weaknesses, but there's math involved. At least the first one would take something from what I already have, but 2 would be the most I could hope for and I'd have to do it soon to even have those accepted. I feel sick and like I've gained even more weight. Awesome. I'll eventually have to figure out my life and lose it, but that's all too much right now. And this is me in good shape. |
Re: Screaming thread.
"The guy you walked past as you were walking into therapy this morning? Yeah? Turned around and checked you out. Yeah. Turned around, checked you out, turned back around and continued talking on his phone or whatever. Obviously works there. And - I'm sorry - but dude, you're that hard up that you have to check out someone who's damaged?"
"Oh, you know I was joking." As if struggling with feeling like damaged goods isn't something I've ever had to do. Thanks so much. |
Re: Screaming thread.
GO AWAY DAMNIT
I wish he was here |
Re: Screaming thread.
I want to go home but I'm not even sure where home is. I want to go be with him but he's a thousand miles away and out of my reach. I want to hug him, I really want to be held right now. These anxieties won't go away and I even have any reason to be anxious at the moment. I was fine ten minutes ago, what the hell happened? Why can't I just be ok for once, with out having to be afraid of the next time I'll be on the verge of suicide? What is wrong with me? Why do I always have to be this way?
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Re: Screaming thread.
tired of feeling like a slut and like I'm damaged and dirty and disgusting and like it would be exceptional of someone to love me and like anyone who sees me naked will have to put up with everything because I'm gross and unattractive. tired tired tired tired tired tired
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Re: Screaming thread.
if i tell you i need confirmation that you didn't see me as a slut or like i was disgusting or dirty and that you didn't have a problem with how i looked or how i was then i need you to answer me and i get that you might be at work or whatever but could you fucking answer me please i can't take it i can't
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Re: Screaming thread.
I HATE THE SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATR THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL I HATE THIS SCHOOL
I really can't say that enough |
Re: Screaming thread.
can i just do my thing and live my life without feeling like i'm out of place or outspoken or a slut or disgusting or less liked or unaccepted or anything fucking negative. i just want to LIVE for fuck's sake without feeling like i'm fucking DYING
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Re: Screaming thread.
I feel broken.
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Re: Screaming thread.
When your friends are supposed to be checking on you every day and they're not <
A week and a half after getting back home and they're already like, "Eh. Whatever." �� |
Re: Screaming thread.
Just when I feel like I'm ready to do more than exist, I realize how bad this is and that it will be WAY too hard. I can't do it, I have officially been broken. I've been through enough.
2 hours of sleep, fucking awesome. And how many times have I told you turn your fucking alarm off or close your door; it's waking me up instead of you and as you can see, I need sleep! What part of I want BETTER for myself than part-time, entry-level shitty jobs, do you not understand?! I'm starting to think it's not possible and I'm not sure if I should continue to have hope for a future or if should give up and be miserable. And, as I suspected, if you haven't met a given milestone by your diagnosis, you probably won't. I hate this fucking disability so fucking much! SHE IS NOT GOING TO LIVE HERE!!!! Yes, it's your house, and technically your decision, but as someone who you say you'll never throw out who will be forced to share the space, I get to have a say and I've told you a million times NO! You know what she's like, you know I can't take her, and between her constant whining and your inability to hear, the thought of living with both of you?! I can't even. I'd be willing to give up my room and move into the disgusting basement so I have a door to shut and an escape. That's how much I can't stand her and that should tell you something. I'd move out, but it's not exactly an option and at this point, I'm starting to think it may never happen. No fucking way. It's going to end that way; it's only a matter of time. And it will be your fault because this was the last straw, but you'll blame me for it because you blame me for everything. And no saying that "other people who this happened to didn't do it, so it's your fault and choice." Because I'm the only one you ever did it to. You can knock off the self-righteous crap now, you ain't perfect. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Why not tell my parents instead of fucking social services for once? Huh? Ever think about that?
Ugh! My life is all kinds of screwed up now. Not jsut mine either. My parents are in trouble because of you and they didn't fucking do anything. Now I'm worried services will take my phone and look through it. There's private shit in there. Can they do that? They better not fucking dare. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I shouldn't post in this thread but... it might as well be my last post.
I find myself lying everyday, lying to myself and my family with fake hapiness. I am truly broken, no matter how much I write or begin to bring my body and its muscles to its true damn definition to, there is no fixing this. Then that's how it gonna start, this illness that turns people cruel over the feeling of powerlessness. The anger, the rage, the monster that dwells within... born from the mix of loss and pain. If I can't kill myself (its hard when there's a 1:25 ratio of success, so i rather not end up paralyzed/ Especially when there's no handgun in this country...), then I'm bound to become it? There's no saving me, and I feel sick at the thought of living life in further pain, in further powerlessness. My soul is dying, but my body lives on with absolute suffering and a hatred for myself that'll never die on its own. |
Re: Screaming thread.
4:30 means 4:30 not fucking twenty minutes later be on time or be early you always do this to me and I'm sick of it.
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Re: Screaming thread.
not okay not okay not okay not okay not okay
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish things would have been different, but this time I can't back down. You are the one in the wrong here. I can't turn my back on this and pretend that it never happened. Not this time.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Why do I always fall for someone that I can't be with or who doesn't want to be with me..
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Re: Screaming thread.
When your friend, who's supposed to be checking on you daily, finally asks you how you're doing, but this is how it goes.
A: How are you doing? Me: Not so great. What about you? A: Same tbh Me: What's going on? A: *rants* We have yet to talk about why I'm not doing great. I'm not trying to be selfish, but I tried to kill myself three weeks ago. Not only are you not being the solid supporter I told everyone you were, but you're not listening. I'M. NOT. FINE. DOES SOMEBODY HEAR ME? I A M N O T F I N E ! |
Re: Screaming thread.
A lot of the time, my smile is fake...
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Re: Screaming thread.
You have some balls, I'll give you that.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I feel like I'm doing this by myself. I got so upset about that in therapy today that I had to go home early and go back to sleep.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't know why I continue to get upset about the things you do. I've been dealing with it for eight years. How many more fucking times do I need to tell you that you cannot talk to me like this and expect me to continue to be honest? How is it not clear to you yet? I talked to you about the iron fist. You still brought it out.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm starting to worry my sight and hearing is getting worse. I'm not happy about that.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Just because you went through something with the same name doesn't mean you get me and it doesn't make you right. You're proud of her for denying her negative emotions when she got screwed over. "It'll change your life." No, it won't. I know because I tried it and everything collapsed anyway. I tried to "choose happiness." I ended up with false hope that collapsed instead. I prefer real pessimism to forced optimism.
I still want it. I don't think that will ever change. By the way, it's been 18 months; my new door never opened. I knew nothing good would come out of this, and that hoping for it would only lead to disappointment and make me feel even worse. It's not my fault you misread what I wrote. You just tried to bash me by agreeing with what I said. And if you want to fight about this, go for it. I'm not engaging you again because I didn't do what you accused me of in the first place. There always has to be one I suppose. Excuse me 11 people, but when the fuck did I BASH them?! Compared to how I could've (and other people did) say it, I did an amazing job of responding like a human being. They have gone out of their way to provide this comfort item for 5 years, and their options are running short. Ready or not, the reality is coming and what are they going to do then?! The sooner they work on this, the easier it will be for her and this isn't the first time she'll face this challenge. Haunted again. I'm not convinced it could never have happened which makes accepting it even harder because I was so close. I hate being haunted though because I still want to go back when it happens.The reality is that this broke me and that will never change. Yes, I know it turned into a nightmare, but it left me with another problem. I have the mindset of a mental health professional without the ability to use it anywhere and I'll never finish the degree that would've allowed that because I had to be born different. Sick again with no explanation, got no, and I mean ZERO sleep, and I'm haunted once again. You have no idea what I would give to have the life I always dreamed of having. SHE'S ALLOWED TO BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN HAPPY, when will people understand that?!?! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Ok bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you see that I don't want you to know about my life? Be it social life, love life or any other life, I DONT WANT YOU TO FUCKING INTERFERE. You're always asking fucking questions and get fucking facts wrong. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE. I know you can be nice but seriously? Almost every single fucking minute of the day you're asking me who i like, who likes me, what's the latest goss. CHILL M8. YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THIS INFO.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Love that my therapist told me I'm asking for too much from the people WHO ASKED ME HOW THEY COULD HELP ME.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Do any of you care at all?
Why doesn't anyone ever listen... |
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