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Re: Screaming thread.
It's. So. Early.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I feel like closing my door and not talking to anyone for the rest of the day.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I have no idea how to handle this..why did you have to try and come back in to my life. I'm not ready for you, or for this.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Off to bed to cry for a bit soon I think. I'm sorry I'm struggling so much, I just wish if I tried hard enough I could bring you back...
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Re: Screaming thread.
I just want to have friends.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Applying for grad schemes is so fucking stressful, and thinking of actually being successful in an application and getting to interview is worse
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Re: Screaming thread.
Oh my god there actually is something wrong with me. I'm "wrong-looking" LITERALLY EVERYWHERE ON MY BODY.
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Re: Screaming thread.
What if? Just what if it never works out for me? I don't know of anyone over 60 who actually succeeded with it, but I know of at least one suicide. My guess is that people figure out what I already know and give up. I see that and all the people struggling with it and wonder what the point is given that I've already lost so much.
I don't want to use you for this, but you might be getting an update soon anyway. It wasn't the decision, it was the process and what it left me with which wasn't really your fault. What part of I can't do that because I have a disability do you not understand?! I have no idea why it wasn't refrigerated like it's always been before. Hopefully it's still safe because I have to use it. From what I can find it will be. Ambition to do everything, capable of and qualified for nothing. This is fun, not. If I could get paid to do that somehow, it would probably be my best option, but i rarely happens and I can't have what commonly happens. If that were possible that would be cool too, but I don't see that either. Of course I can't have what I could see so clearly for over a decade, so who knows. People who say shit like that are allowed in and I'm not?! What the fuck?! is all I can say. Am I worse than those people for not making it that far, or better because I refused to be fake? Unlike them, I actually cared, but it doesn't matter because I still can't do it. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I just failed that, it was a test of intelligence and i failed because he put fucking music on and distracted me and omfg why
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Re: Screaming thread.
The mood swing is here. Fuck everything right now.
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Re: Screaming thread.
wanna die.
no one to talk to. no one. kill me, please, I've made it perfectly fucking clear that I don't want to do this |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm on a clear liquid diet today, which sucks, because I'm not even an hour in to it, and I'm dying for a steak.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Ten minutes of socialising and I'm already done with it.
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Re: Screaming thread.
kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
please |
Re: Screaming thread.
Every time I open my mouth, selfish selfish selfish. Every single fucking time.
Every time I open my eyes, I see another reason why this place is not one I want to live in. I hate the world. I hate the world. I hate the world. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Why do you have to keep bringing him over and not asking me. It's been a bloody week and I've had to see him twice. I don't want him here right now. Fuck sake.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish you were here with us today. She needs you, I need you. You were all we had, and now you're gone.
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Re: Screaming thread.
After 28 years of hell ended in my worst nightmare, I broke. I didn't make a "choice." Every part of my mind, body, and soul said "I quit" on the same day in a last ditch effort to preserve my existence. Meanwhile, life continued to collapse on me because God decided that I hadn't had nearly enough yet. I don't owe strangers on the Internet (not here) an explanation, but if I get told one more time that I "chose to let one thing break me" and it's time to "move on", I'll challenge them to survive the same thing. I bet they couldn't do it. I may not be functioning yet, but I'm still breathing and that's good enough for now.
There are multiple people with my disability and my dream. For me, they had to be mutually exclusive, caused my life to completely collapse, and I didn't get to choose. There's a part of me that HATES that. |
Re: Screaming thread.
]Do you know why I decided to take a gap year? Don't you want to know the real reason?
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Re: Screaming thread.
Ready to break down. Wasn't ready for work yet but I can't afford to not work. I'm sick of fucking everything.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I am super anxious, I could die.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm tired and I'm done. How am I supposed to wait until next weekend to continue escaping reality. Let's face it, there's something wrong with me if I'm struggling with waiting for season 6 of The Walking Dead on DVD, I'm dependent on fiction to stop me from thinking about my life in the real world. I can shift from feeling alright to feeling empty and then to sad. I feel like shit and I am so fucking tired of it.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm stupid..
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I was dead.....
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm struggling tonight and today was a good day.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate that I'm struggling to not miss you.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm sick of being a knight in shining armor for everyone. I need to learn to say no instead of tap dancing around whatever situation I'm put in, I need to put myself first for a while because frankly, I've been doing a shit job of that for months.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I just want to be worth something
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Re: Screaming thread.
Why is getting help so hard? Why is living harder than dying?
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Re: Screaming thread.
I have never once been rude to you. I'm not that sort of person. All I have ever done is treat you with respect, even when you don't deserve it. I have always put myself out and I have tried my best to be the best I can towards you. I can't take your strops. You're a grown woman and you act like a child. I am done with you making me feel inferior. I'll bide my time, right now you might have all the power, but soon enough, in 18 months time you'll have much less. You will see another side to me. If I disagree with you, believe me I'll speak up and if you don't like it, I couldn't care less because I won't have to stare at your miserable face every day. I'll be polite, but that is it. You can try to make yourself as involved as you like, but I get final say. If you p*** me off, I'll call you out on it. Because I'm done being a door matt and I'm done with you speaking to me in a way that my parents don't even speak to me. You are a pathetic, stupid, bitter, old woman and you know what, it's your own fault. You are going to be lonely as a result.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish you would just stop telling me to ignore the people who are mean to me. It's not that easy.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I really don't want to do this.
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Re: Screaming thread.
All I can say is thank God that doesn't have to be done today. I really don't think I could.
I think part of me will always wish I could tell you that, but I never will. It's never been my business. The few hour break was nice. Too bad it never lasts. I wonder a lot now if calling it abuse was as wrong as you said. Then I realize how much it messed me up and remember that you bragged about how much better you knew. It was wrong either way, denial doesn't change the term for it or the severity. I also wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that, or the way it ended. I mean, the problems were happening long before I wore out enough to start telling you what I really thought. I probably shouldn't have said it, but you also should've handled it better. I still can't tell if my reputation is shot, though. Supposedly it's not, but I can't trust anyone anymore, and the only one I know is willing to respond is him, but that may only be because he feels bad or something. Why? It's never going to happen. Why do I still want it and why does this still haunt me so much? I want to go to this and see her, but I don't want to have to listen to everybody tell stories and talk about how amazing their dream jobs are while they interrogate me about what I'm (not) doing and how my life is still this much of a mess after almost 2 years. I want to tell you, but I don't want to annoy you and I'm afraid if I tell you too much, I'll end up disappointed because I'll stop getting any response at all. |
Re: Screaming thread.
He's gone. He's gone and I want him back. I want him back. I want him back now! I can't fucking cope. Everything is too loud, too bright, too warped. This is some fucked up nightmare and I really want to wake up now. He can't fucking leave me. I want to fucking die.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Alone. Again.
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Re: Screaming thread.
One of my 'best friends' is too concerned with being right that she doesn't understand how upset she's made me, and now I can't talk to her about anything even though I live with her. She's too busy defending herself when I haven't insulted her to accept that what she has/hasnt done had genuinely upset me. I was close to tears earlier and all she could do was say 'i'm sorry you feel that way' and 'this has been the hardest two weeks of my life' like my literal nan didn't just die. But whatever. As long as she's ok, why shouldn't i be? Fuming.
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Re: Screaming thread.
List of things that went wrong today:
1. My bus wasn't running properly 2. I spent twenty minutes trying to find my supervisors room, walked up 9 flights of stairs, and nearly gave up 3. As a result of the above issues, I was 20 minutes late to my meeting 4. My bag broke 5. I stepped in chewing gum, and they're new shoes 6. My funeral outfit was going to be delivered, but I wasn't in, so it wasn't delivered. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I want my fucking cat back! I need him back. Give him back! I can't fucking cope without him. I WANT MY FUCKING CAT BACK NOW!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I thought my relationship with my mom would get better sometime in the future but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.
"I'm sorry my personality doesn't fit in your neat little box." Yeah, Mom, your aggressiveness doesn't fit with my passiveness. But thanks for mocking me. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I ate fucking TOAST, why do hormones do this to me now?! People are going to start to fear depression (or talking about me behind my back) if/because I stopped going to family functions, but I might really be sick this time and it sucks because I kind of wanted to go. They can have this keep them up all night and see how much they want to deal with a bunch of questions.
Already been sick once and there's no getting out of this. I have to "dress nice" to sit there for 3 hours and be virtually ignored by a room full of strangers. At least that way, I won't have to talk about any of this. Yet, you wonder why I don't want to go. The food is usually a good enough reason, but again, sick twice in the last 8 hours. Pretty much went as expected. You need to stop trying to hold this family together, it's falling apart, and the more you hold onto hope of it coming together again, the more disappointed you'll be. And you: Some people who work minimum wage jobs will never be able to "work hard and move on." Good to know you don't believe their best effort and ability deserves a chance at living wage. Fucking awesome. I'm seriously done People with my diagnosis and worse can have my dream job and I can't. This may be the only diagnosis I have, but it stole everything that I wanted out of life, making continuing pointless. If I really had "options" I would've just taken one, but I don't have any, it's going to get worse, not better, and I can't do it anymore. I would share at least part of this there, but they tend to make me feel worse (though I'm not sure I really could) |
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