[Ennui.]

I have already ranted to a few people about this, and I thank those who have listened to me so much.

I've been in a bit of a tough place lately. I haven't gone through depression like this in a while, if ever. While I don't feel suicidal, I have had self harm urges that so far I have been able to work past.

But I've just been so blah. I've had some better days and some bad days, so it's not like I've been at an even level of crappy. But I've been getting tired so easily. And even when I'm not tired I just want to be curled up in bed, not really doing anything, so it's difficult to get up and do the things I need to do. Fortunately it's winter break so I don't have school so my responsibilities just go as far as making myself participate more on TH and babysit my niece. But it's hard to not just stay in my bed and do nothing. It seems so much more ideal.

On the days where I can get myself out of bed I also have a tough time because I have nothing to do, so I get really antsy. Two out of three of our vehicles are broken right now. The only one that is working is my dad's truck, which only fits two people in it. He works weekdays until the evening. So I can't really go anywhere without a ride, unless it's after he gets out of work.

I recently have made plans to socialize with people. I have tentative plans for tomorrow or Wednesday to hang out with a male friend if he is able to pick me up. It depends on if the work on his car is done on time. On Wednesday evening I am also going to my friend's to spend the night New Year's Eve into New Year's Day. The plans I made for tomorrow were spur of the moment, but the ones for New Year's became a tradition last year so we had this all planned out ahead of time.

But now I don't know if I'm up to it. As I said above, the urge to sleep or just lay in bed and do nothing more than maybe watch TV is too great.

But TV doesn't really interest me that much right now. I can't sit through a show for very long and even music isn't that entertaining or good for me anymore, I can't sit through that either!

I dunno, how do I get up and DO things and make myself live and survive and be alive and function like a normal human being when the depression is too pressing?