[Thinking]

The problem is... I hope this isnt sound crazy or anything... (I am refering to what happened recently which is exams.)

Well I had been so stressed up with exams to a point... when I do practice tests, I slap myself x number of times, where x is my score less than full score... And I thought when I keep punishing myself I will able to make x smaller and thus improve. But the worse part is there is once when I get all of them correct, I still give myslf a slap, because I spent too much time on it... Its never satisfactory... At this point I realize it wasnt just about improving. Its I simply never able to be happy and always hate myself... This is partly the reason why I am crazy for being sad and angry to get 100 in a maths exam...

Basically it means I am never satisfied with things and everything is all my fault. I just don't like myself.

Then the worst part of all (which I say that will never see blood come out of it), is to torture myself mentally... by doing things that I completely hate and phobic of... And then force myself to do them even when I can't do them. And to fell into a horrible state of depression again. I think I love myself being sad and depressed, because I dont like myself, so I dont like to see myself happy. And its ridiculous... when the thing I hate the most was once my interest, math. I think its my depression and all the unsureness of my abilities, that wipe off my interest that I used to have. Well actually I never had interest other than math and my piano...

And also when I am very anxious I had noticed a few times I am pulling my hair from my head unconcsiously... I dont even know why

I think one more (I think the main) reason why I like to be sad and depressed by hating myself, is because so that I can have a reason to die... Even though I know very clearly that its invalid... I am so stupid to think that this can be a reason... I think I have unconcsiously wired death to myself when I hate myself.

Maybe I shouldnt do this anymore since it wont be a good reason anyway.