Is this self harm?

[Thinking]

I am improving... It has never been into my head that I might be a good person, and now I am actually believing that I am a good person, that i should not hate myself. But how...

I don't know.. I just don't like myself. I really really hate myself. When I am sad I hit myself because I hate myself being sad. Idk. I just feel like hitting or slapping myself when I don't like myself, and I enjoy it.

I kept saying I never self harm because there is no blood came out of it, and it doesnt affect me physically with the hittings. So I am still normal, strong and heality after the hittings. I dont know whether is this self harm...

Recently I am having exams... and my scores are not improving, and I had resort to slap myself whenever there is a mistake and I love it... I think its because I love it so I am still not improving from the slappings and so I kept doing it... But because I love it I never improved.

Actually there are so many occasions I did something worse than this not just exams... and the bare maximum is no blood came out of it. And I love it because I hate myself...

But now I think something is very wrong about this. I am actually love slapping and hitting myself, while this method doesnt even help at all... I am so terrible

What kind of methods should I do to myself so that I will hate it and will force myself to improve and love myself more? I am not even fear of the slappings because I hate myself and so I love hitting myself, and so its not working. What things should I do to make myself fear of doing it as a punishment, so that I will learn to love myself more?

Even better question to ask is, why do I even love doing things that I hate... Why do I hate myself so much...

I hate myself..... Help me.....

[hocus pocus]

You asked why you love doing things you hate. Self-harm releases chemicals in the brain that give you a temporary high. These chemicals do dissipate, which fuels your urge to do it again. Part of you may dislike hitting yourself, but the other part gets a high from it so that is probably why you want to do it.

What you are doing is self-harm. Self-harm is anything you do with the intention of harming yourself, though self-harm can also be done when someone isn't aware they're doing it. Self-harm does commonly include cutting and burning, but there are other ways people harm themselves as well. Here is a resource titled, "Is this self-harm?" You may find it beneficial.

I think you would benefit from finding alternatives you can do instead of harming yourself. For example, you can practice deep breathing, take a walk, spend time with your friends, or work on a puzzle. This thread has many more ideas that you can try. It sometimes takes time to find alternatives; different alternatives work for different people, so don't get discouraged.

I don't know why you hate yourself. Perhaps particular life event(s) have made you struggle with your self-esteem, or perhaps you struggle with perfectionism and have difficulty being kind to yourself when you aren't good enough in your eyes. You won't hate yourself forever, though. Things will improve. Maybe you can try some self-esteem exercises, such as thought re-framing. Try to be more aware of your thoughts, and when you notice a negative one, turn it around into a positive one.

[Silvan]

Dear Ivan,
what you've described definitely is self-harm. Although we do not always think of self-harm when we hear the word 'addiction', it is an addiction. Why? Because the urge constantly becomes stronger and one harms themselves more each time as they get used to it.
Perhaps, except for the alternatives mentioned by Cassado, you could try setting yourself goals. It works quite well for me. What about telling yourself: 'I will not hit myself for the next 10 minutes' (and distracting your mind using the alternatives during the given time). Then you can set another 10 mins, 15 mins etc. until the urge passes.
Tell us whether these methods worked out.
Stay strong
Sue

[Thinking]

The problem is... I hope this isnt sound crazy or anything... (I am refering to what happened recently which is exams.)

Well I had been so stressed up with exams to a point... when I do practice tests, I slap myself x number of times, where x is my score less than full score... And I thought when I keep punishing myself I will able to make x smaller and thus improve. But the worse part is there is once when I get all of them correct, I still give myslf a slap, because I spent too much time on it... Its never satisfactory... At this point I realize it wasnt just about improving. Its I simply never able to be happy and always hate myself... This is partly the reason why I am crazy for being sad and angry to get 100 in a maths exam...

Basically it means I am never satisfied with things and everything is all my fault. I just don't like myself.

Then the worst part of all (which I say that will never see blood come out of it), is to torture myself mentally... by doing things that I completely hate and phobic of... And then force myself to do them even when I can't do them. And to fell into a horrible state of depression again. I think I love myself being sad and depressed, because I dont like myself, so I dont like to see myself happy. And its ridiculous... when the thing I hate the most was once my interest, math. I think its my depression and all the unsureness of my abilities, that wipe off my interest that I used to have. Well actually I never had interest other than math and my piano...

And also when I am very anxious I had noticed a few times I am pulling my hair from my head unconcsiously... I dont even know why

I think one more (I think the main) reason why I like to be sad and depressed by hating myself, is because so that I can have a reason to die... Even though I know very clearly that its invalid... I am so stupid to think that this can be a reason... I think I have unconcsiously wired death to myself when I hate myself.

Maybe I shouldnt do this anymore since it wont be a good reason anyway.

[hocus pocus]

It doesn't sound crazy at all.

Though we aren't professionals, it sounds like slapping yourself x amount of times could possibly be linked to OCD. I don't advocate self-diagnosing, but perhaps you could do some more research on OCD symptoms and different coping skills. Researching can give you an idea of what you can do to help yourself. You can even try the coping skills for OCD as they could help in other aspects as well (such as helping with self-esteem or anxiety).

You've pointed out what has been triggering you and it is good that you're aware of those things. Being aware of them means that you can try to work on yourself if you're ready. For instance, if you're ready to combat those feelings of self-hate, you can do self-esteem exercises. It is okay if you are not ready as well; people do things in their own time.

In the meantime, maybe it would help if you blogged or journaled about your feelings. A lot of people do that frequently and it can be helpful to get it out. Sometimes getting things out in that way makes them dissipate in your head.