I am so scared of you
You don't have to be doing anything
The way you've treated me
is already etched into every corner of my mind
I am so scared of you
When you ask me questions
Because you take what I do or say
And spread gossip to my sisters
You don't have to be doing anything
But you've gotten my 3 sisters to do the dirty work
Of chewing me up alive
A "flare up" in the chronicles of bullyhood
You can't handle when I fight back
So you send your little soldiers to do it
While you conveniently give me silent treatment so you appear to have not been involved
But i know exactly who is pulling those strings
I used to be one of your little soldiers
I don't know if it is normal for someone to be this scared of their father
To stay up for hours, holding back tears,
Too scared to cry, too anxious to fall sleep
While you lay fast asleep a few feet away
Home isn't safe,
After everyone had gone to bed
A surge of jealousy rises in me
Because they get to sleep, they get to not care
I wish I can live life not caring sometimes,
Other times, I want to break free
from frozen numbness
I am so scared of you, but not just you, dad
I am afraid of my sisters, my therapist, of everyone
And of life itself
I learned that others don't trust me with myself and I can't trust myself either
I learned that people get to violate my boundaries on various levels and I have no control over that
I learned that I'm not allowed to talk back, saying "okay" in an annoyed voice, and I get punishment for that
but that you get to do so much more, so much
And no one is there to keep you accountable
No one is there to protect me,
You've isolated me to the point I isolate myself
To the point that,
No one is there at all