[Ennui.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out!

I also agree with you that the person that did those things to your brother is not the person you are today. I know you didn't intentionally do anything to harm him and were acting on the things you saw. Children don't always know that these are "grown up" activities, and you truly didn't know better. It's also entirely possible that your brother's development had nothing to do with you either. Sometimes people's brain chemistry is off and causes them to develop mental health issues.

Is the part about the type of porn you watch something you DO want to tell your therapist? I'm sure they've heard it all, from people addicted to sex and porn to other extremes as well. As long as you're not at risk of harming yourself or someone else she shouldn't be allowed to tell anyone what you say due to confidentiality. If it's hard to say verbally, which I understand, maybe you can write it out, similar to what you did here. You can even take some sentences from this post directly, because I think you did a great job at expressing yourself.

Your therapist is probably also worrying that you're okay, so it would be good to tell them something or go back anyway.

Maybe you can find ways to redirect yourself when you have the urge to watch more hardcore porn, such as by replacing the activity with something else? I know it's probably cold in BC right now but when it's a good day you can take a walk or run, or even on cold days you can try to find ways to exercise in your house to release some of that energy, such as by doing pushups. Maybe you can take a shower instead, or play a video game. These aren't the only things you can replace porn with, but are some examples.

Or, you can even set a child block on your technology. Of course you'd have the password but seeing it come up as blocked may be the reminder that you need to take a step back and rethink whether it's what you want to be doing right now.

You aren't a bad person, I promise you that. I can tell that you aren't going to actively hurt anyone, and that you do truly feel remorse for the things that have happened. Suicide doesn't have to be the answer. Open up slowly, like you did here, try to get things off your chest and get support. I know it's cliche, but you've admitted there's a problem and reached out here, and those are both great first steps.

I know you can do this.

Dez