Triggering (Suicide): Sexual Violence, Self Hatred, Suicide.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Male, 17
British Columbia, Canada

I'm putting this on here because I feel like if I don't tell anyone, it'll end up killing me, and that thought has been weighing really heavily on me since new year's.

The short edition of my story, the one that just deals in what immediately relevant to this and disregards my family situation and everything, is still really fucked up. I mean, if you're reading this: it's so fucked up that I as the person living it can barely manage to. I almost want to throw up writing this: even though it's anonymous.

I came across porn when I was seven or eight on my dad's laptop. Then his phone. Then... everywhere. It was pretty soft-core. But I think it imprinted on my brain. After about a year of coming across this stuff, so I'm about nine at this point, I do two things. I start looking for it on my own, and I act out sexually with my brother. I can recall two incidents, both at my grandpa's fairly remote cabin. And I felt horrible about those the rest of my life, I still do. My brother has anger issues and doesn't seem to have developed mentally well, and every time I see evidence of this I blame myself, but I also tell myself that I was a just kid... not that that makes it OK, but that the me that did that isn't the me that's alive today. I told my mom what happened when I was twelve, we both went into therapy. But I didn't mention this next part to my therapist and still haven't.

I'm making this too long. I hope someone reads this far. After watching porn so often at such a young age I started looking at harder core stuff. BDSM. Breath play. Eventually, even rape.

Snuff.

Putting those words down horrifies me. I feel this gaping hole when I acknowledge that it's there. This coldness. I really really hate that after all these years I still fantasize about those videos late at night, that they still bring me to orgasm when it's dark and I'm half asleep and not entirely in control. It's brought me to hold this deep seated hatred of myself. I tell myself that I'm a monster, and that I deserve to die.

I accidentally left my laptop in my room tonight. I watched a snuff video. I'm... I don't know who I am, who watched that video. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd never. I have one really close friend and that's about it: I've been shutting myself off from pretty much everyone else. I don't speak to my mother about important things anymore, I don't speak to my father at all and haven't seen him in years since he moved out, and I get the feeling that most of my house knows there's something wrong with me and just wants to avoid me. I'm wondering if I should distance myself from my last close friend as well. I'm about to move out and the adult life I see in front of me doesn't seem worth living with this hanging over me. With not being able to trust or control myself. Knowing I'm moving in a world where what I've seen, what I even fucking enjoyed, isn't just taboo but is UNTHINKABLE to literally everyone.

I know I'm sick and I've avoided my therapist for a solid five weeks now. This is the most serious relapse I've ever had but for five or six weeks I've been circling it. And wondering if I'm meant to live a long life or if hanging myself in three years or whatever is the only way this ends.[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out!

I also agree with you that the person that did those things to your brother is not the person you are today. I know you didn't intentionally do anything to harm him and were acting on the things you saw. Children don't always know that these are "grown up" activities, and you truly didn't know better. It's also entirely possible that your brother's development had nothing to do with you either. Sometimes people's brain chemistry is off and causes them to develop mental health issues.

Is the part about the type of porn you watch something you DO want to tell your therapist? I'm sure they've heard it all, from people addicted to sex and porn to other extremes as well. As long as you're not at risk of harming yourself or someone else she shouldn't be allowed to tell anyone what you say due to confidentiality. If it's hard to say verbally, which I understand, maybe you can write it out, similar to what you did here. You can even take some sentences from this post directly, because I think you did a great job at expressing yourself.

Your therapist is probably also worrying that you're okay, so it would be good to tell them something or go back anyway.

Maybe you can find ways to redirect yourself when you have the urge to watch more hardcore porn, such as by replacing the activity with something else? I know it's probably cold in BC right now but when it's a good day you can take a walk or run, or even on cold days you can try to find ways to exercise in your house to release some of that energy, such as by doing pushups. Maybe you can take a shower instead, or play a video game. These aren't the only things you can replace porn with, but are some examples.

Or, you can even set a child block on your technology. Of course you'd have the password but seeing it come up as blocked may be the reminder that you need to take a step back and rethink whether it's what you want to be doing right now.

You aren't a bad person, I promise you that. I can tell that you aren't going to actively hurt anyone, and that you do truly feel remorse for the things that have happened. Suicide doesn't have to be the answer. Open up slowly, like you did here, try to get things off your chest and get support. I know it's cliche, but you've admitted there's a problem and reached out here, and those are both great first steps.

I know you can do this.

Dez

Hey there, and welcome to TeenHelp.

First I want to say, I am so glad you found this forum, and felt brave enough to post. This tells me that even though you are struggling with some "demons," as many people call them, part of you, even a small part, still wants help. Still wants to live, somewhere in there, however hard or impossible it seems to see. And that is something I want you to cling to, even though you're not feeling so sure of it right now, or at least your ability to keep going like this.

Because this is anonymous (and I absolutely understand why and do not judge your choice to do so whatsoever), I can't carry as much of a conversation as I'd like where I'd ask more questions, so I am going to give what impressions I have based on personal experience with matters like these, which we'll just say is more common than most typical people. So if that can also offer you a nugget of hope, let it be there ARE people out there who DO get it, if you can find them and feel safe enough to open up.

Dez, another staff member here, already offered some excellent insight. I'd just like to give my spin, so here we go. Important caveat I want to stress: I am absolutely in no way a licensed mental health professional, just a person who has close familiarity with issues related to what you're describing, some years on you, and extensive therapy. All the below is based simply on my experience and should absolutely not be taken as professional opinion.

While I can see, given the history you described, why you are where you are in life, Dez is right: this is not your fault. Children have no concept of sexuality at birth and a young age. Regardless of whether you had any idea of how procreation happened at the point you viewed that first pornography on your dad's phone, it doesn't matter: that was not your fault, either. It was just an unfortunate circumstance that happened, and unfortunately it imprinted on you in the way movies and films often imprint on young children. There is no "badness" or a moral failing on your part involved in any way whatsoever.

I'm going to go on a slight tangent here, but I promise it applies: we learn that sexual activities of any nature on people who do not consent are wrong, rightfully so. Consent is important and needs to be taught clearly. But underneath that, and legally, there are separations into two categories that I am distinguishing here because they are potentially something that could really help you: adult-on-child abuse and child-on-child abuse. Age gaps and legality and all that vary state by state, and the actual numbers here aren't important. Please do not look them up at this point in your journey because I do fear you will just use them to punish yourself in a way you honestly don't need to. I am simply making the distinction because you were a child and did not know any better. Truly. Speaking even in the eyes of the law, the authority that can make things like this weigh on us as we get older and don't yet either have enough distinctions to know things like this or the therapy to sort through it all, or possibly both, you literally are blameless by what many consider the "highest authority" on this earth. So if that was your worry, you're good (again, leaning more towards generalizations, so I apologize if it's not completely accurate or applicable).

Unfortunately, if we are exposed to sexuality too early, and especially if it becomes enacted on us or we unknowingly enact it on others, it can affect sexuality and how it develops for a long time if it's not processed properly. Because of guilt and shame that would naturally develop, and confusing messages about sexuality for people of all genders just because of society's attitudes towards it, it all becomes this hodge-podge nightmare you can't sort because you're too young, often people don't even realize it, and even with therapy it often doesn't click until much, much, later. So again, not your fault there, either.

I firmly believe we are all doing the best we can at any given time with what knowledge we have available to us. As we learn more, we can make better choices. We can, do, and absolutely will slip up, many, many times, because to err is to be human. That will never change, and sometimes those mistakes hurt others. Some are small, some are more serious. We will ALL make ones like those; the details just change. But we literally all experience it. You are not alone in that, I promise.

One of the other things about life that, for better or for worse, is a truth, is that we cannot control others. We can do things, "good" or "bad," both in our minds and/or the minds of others, but as we all share important commonalities, we are also individual in our minds because our experiences are all individuals. Ergo, we literally cannot control others. The sooner we learn to stop trying, the better. The way THEY react to the things we do is NOT in our control, and while we can learn to recognize we bear responsibility for the event that may or may not seem like the catalyst, we cannot claim their feelings as our responsibility.

When it comes to something like this, it is a little different, because forgiveness is involved, for both parties involved in the experience. Forgiveness is a deeply personal journey and you both will have to find what forgiveness for each other and yourself looks like. Trust me, self-forgiveness is an even more important lesson to learn than learning to forgive others, for many people, and they often take far too long, or sadly never do, recognize it.

To not make this a novel, because there is much I could say on the matter, I will say in summation:

1) This is not your fault. Period.
2) You are not alone in feeling feelings like these. Many do, but unfortunately it never gets talked about in general, and the sexual nature of your first brush with these lessons lends an edge of "secrecy" that shouldn't be there, but at this point in overall society still is (though I've seen it grow less so over the years).
3) Right now, I would focus less on what you did and how your brother is and focus more on finding healing within, because that's what will most likely serve you best. You have to have things alright within yourself before you can ever truly get to the point you can be concerned about the emotional experiences of past mistakes within other people.

You are not a bad person, and you do not deserve to suffer. Especially with something like this weighing on you from so young, for so long, it probably feels like a lot to carry already, and I am so sorry for that. I can empathize with your pain. I do want to note that I feel it's amazing that you have discovered all of this before adulthood. It already shows such awareness of yourself and emotions that many people much older than you never even develop. You have potential and promise already many never develop, not even in a long lifetime. Don't let that out of sight and let it potentially, whether accidentally or on purpose, end a life that could do so much good for the world.

Take care, male from the B.C., whoever you are. Know you are cared about, and that you have a place in this world, even though right now it's probably hard to see.