[Ennui.]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.

Do you think you can report it if your mom is still hitting you and/or your siblings? I know that you don't want to go back into foster care, but it isn't right that your mom is laying her hands on you and it isn't something you deserve. And what about your siblings? You all have been through a lot together and I bet they would care if something happened to you. They would want to know that you are doing okay and trying your best to stay alive. I'm not saying to live for them, but remember that they would miss you if you were gone.

Maybe you can join clubs at school or in the community. This way you meet people who have common interests with you. That can be the start of a conversation and eventually you can build up a friendship with some people. Or, you can strike up a conversation with a classmate, maybe starting off about talking about the class with them and then building up to other topics. With these options, at least you will be meeting people who can eventually become close friends. You deserve that.

Do you think you can talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or other adult about how you are feeling? They would have to report it, but maybe a conversation facilitated by a guidance counselor or school administrator can help them to understand more from a different perspective. I'd also try and get into therapy if you can.

Maybe you can find things to look forward to. It can even be something small, like looking forward to the leaves changing color in the autumn or going to your favorite place. Or it can be bigger things, like setting goals for the future. It helps me to have things that I am looking forward to.

Try and find ways to express what you are going through, such as writing, art, music, or something else. It doesn't have to be "good," and you don't have to show anyone else. It's just for you.

Find ways to take care of yourself as well. It's important to do the daily activities like brushing your teeth and showering, but it's also important to do nice things for yourself. Maybe use a nice smelling lotion and curl up in bed with your favorite book or movie. Get nice smelling candles. Rearrange your room so you have a new space and a fresh start.

I'm not going to sit here preaching about how it gets better, because I'm struggling too. But I will say that you make an impact in this world, and it would not be a better place with you gone.

Dez