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Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 7th 2009, 10:08 PM
Sometimes I just want to start running and never come back
I hardly ever feel real and I don't know why.
I don't want to stop cutting but I did and now I want to go back but it's almost summer and everyone thinks I've stopped
I just want a best friend
I don't know why I'm such an outsider at my school
just because I'm quiet
I like someone who hardly knows I exist
You're everything I know that makes me believe
I'm not alone
You're in everyone I see
So tell me
Do you see me?
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 7th 2009, 10:18 PM
I LOVE YOU!
I can try and deny it as much as I like, but whenever I see you, speak to you, my heart clenches, my stomach flutters, I have the need for you to notice me.
It's wrong, so so wrong, but I LOVE YOU!
---
- I'm not strong enough to stay away -
- and I wanna leave -
- and I wanna stay -
- And I'm so confused -
- So hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain -
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 7th 2009, 11:42 PM
when i pull down my sleeves i hope you notice and wonder why
i tell myself you don't care so it makes things easier when i hate myself
sometimes i whisper to myself that everyone hates me just so i can feel sorry for myself
sometimes i want to hand over all my blades... but i'm afraid of what you would say.
i wish you would just ask me about the scars... but i know you won't.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 9th 2009, 12:53 AM
I wish you would ask instead of pretending you didn't see.
I wish you knew what I knew.
I wish you knew the hurt you have caused me.
sometimes when you yell I think I deserve it so I let you go on yelling.
sometimes when I contemplate suicide I want to tell you, but I don't because I'm afraid you won't care... or you'll care too much.
sometimes I just want to runaway from you.
sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder if you hate me as much as I hate myself.
sometimes I leave out my journal to see if you'll read it and confront me about it.
sometimes I look at you and I wonder if you would even be able to begin to understand.
sometimes when you're standing there in the hallway I don't go up to you because I'm afraid you'll know I'm not okay.
sometimes I whisper that I love you when I'm cutting... even though I don't know why.
sometimes I wonder if you really love me.
sometimes I wonder if you would do whatever you had to to save me.
sometimes I think about suicide just to wonder what you would do.
sometimes I wonder if you would visit me in the hospital if I got hurt really bad.
I know you would look at me differently if I told you... but I still want to tell you.
I gave up everything to tell her... and she doesn't even care.
sometimes I want to go to a doctor so that they can tell me something is wrong with me... maybe then I would have an excuse.
sometimes when I look in the mirror I imagine myself with scars all over... and I wonder if I'll end up looking like how I imagine.
sometimes I tell myself that you don't care so that it doesn't hurt so much when I do stupid things to myself.
sometimes I want to "accidentally" cut too deep just to see if you would find me in time.
sometimes I want to tell myself you left those pills out just so I could find them and take all of them... even though I know you didn't.
sometimes I wish I could live inside my music.
sometimes when you walk past I look down so you can see my eyes because I'm afraid of what you'll see.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 9th 2009, 05:02 AM
Sometimes, I just want a hug.
"You've just been B-Wildered." -Brian Wilson <3
Trumpet love; Tenderlips.
"Where there is love there is life."- Mahatma Gandhi
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 10th 2009, 05:46 AM
I never would have liked him. But the way he looked at me, I was convinced he liked me.
Being liked felt good. I got to know him.
I now have a big crush on him. But I'm not 100% sure if he likes me anymore.
(even though he still looks at me that exact same way, and his friends tease him around me)
How did I go from being fine around him, to now? "Now" being, that my biggest dilema in life at the moment, has to do with him. Everything about him.
How's your life? It's been a while
God, it's good to see you smile
<3
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 10th 2009, 05:33 PM
I'm not okay. I need you here...
There's a 20% chance my heart condition will kill me before I'm 30, and a 50% chance it will be the reason of my death overall.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 11th 2009, 12:33 AM
I know all the passwords to every account you have on the internet, and yes. Every now and then I DO check up on what you're doing. I dont know if it's my paranoia that makes me do it or not. I think it is.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 11th 2009, 12:51 AM
I use to have a huge crush on my best friends mom that when i went over id walk around shirtless and hug her for a reason ^_^, Also i have a pair of her panties somewhere omg, stalkerish lol!! o yeah i wear Ladies jackets and tight pants when i want
My MEssage above disappeared!
Growing up is fun; So get out there and Experience new things.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 11th 2009, 09:53 PM
My period was really late this month. Me and my boyfriend both thought there was a high chance of me being pregnant...if I was we'd have been scared and we'd be shouted and screamed at alot and it would of caused all kinda of trouble, but I got used to the idea even though i'm not one of these girls who says "OHMIGAWD I WANT A BAYBEEEE!"...but when my period finally came it hurt me just a little inside. I was dissapointed. I wont ever let my boyfriend know that though.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 15th 2009, 04:51 AM
I wish he understood the word No. I think I'm going to end up doing something that I don't want to do.
I almost lost my best friend over him.
Madly in love, with a girl, a different girl, one of my best friends. I just wish she knew.
I don't want to fight not to give in anymore. I just want to give in to my ED and be done with it.
I miss SI.
She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."
"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 15th 2009, 05:11 AM
I have a bad habit of obsessively picking at the skin on my scalp, often until I bleed.
I get jealous when she talks about the people who used to be her best friends.
Sometimes, I wish I had an ED, just so I could be thin; it's that important to me.
It feels good when he says, "I'm worried about you...you need to eat."
I'm almost always in need of reassurance.
Sometimes, I want to SH because I miss having to hide it.
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"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"
Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 15th 2009, 12:19 PM
I want my parents to listen to me and understand. I don't want more and more *things*. I want to choose what I have in my room. How do I know what I really like when you're always buying me things you think I might like? What I really want is for mum not to get ill when I have a tough time. And for dad not to get annoyed with me.
I appreciate and need the financial help. But not more and more *things*. A rug with Spot on? I'm not 5 any more.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 19th 2009, 03:17 AM
I really wish I could join. So bad.
Damn diabetes.
"You've just been B-Wildered." -Brian Wilson <3
Trumpet love; Tenderlips.
"Where there is love there is life."- Mahatma Gandhi
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 21st 2009, 01:03 AM
you made me cry and i felt alive because of it
you told me to pray and i didn't want to because i was afraid of what He would tell me
today when i was hyper i wanted people to ask if i was okay just so i could say "heck yes!! i've never been better!" but now i'm not okay
i just want you to ask me if i'm okay, then take me by the shoulders and make me tell you the truth
i wish that bus would come up on the sidewalk
you really don't understand
i'm tired of talking to you because i feel like both of us are lying
i just want him to ask me out so that i can finally say yes
i want to cut tonight, and i want to cut deep
i want to cut even though everyone will notice
i want to cut so deep that they take all night to stop bleeding.
i want you to see the cuts.
i want you to see the scars on my wrist and ask me about them.
i want someone to tell my parents just so they're scared of what i might do to myself
i want people to know because i'm not perfect...
I'M NOT PERFECT!
sometimes i use "bad" language so you'll notice and think about me.
sometimes i pull up my sleeves when you walk past me, so that if you look at the right time, you'll see.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 21st 2009, 08:56 PM
Speaking my truth makes me anxious.
I am terrified of being ridiculed all over again.
And yet I speak my truth because I had no 'voice' for a long time.
It's hard.
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 23rd 2009, 02:53 AM
1. i wonder if my friends are actually my friends and arent just feeling sorry for me
2. i worry about what people thnk about me even tho i dont really care
3.i sometimes like to feel sad and be down rather than happy
4. i have attempted suicide many many times but sometimes when im sad i feel id rather live than die.
5. i sneak out of my house just to walk around and think.
6. i have lost all interest in school, art, sports, friends, and life in general
7. sometimes an hour or so passes where i dont realize what i am doing then i cant remember what i had been doing for that past hour.
8. i am trying to kill myself slowly so i can try and watch time pass.
9. i am deeply afraid of committing to something or screwing something up.
10. everyone thnks ive stopped lieing, but ive only gotten better at it.
In this world of hate there has to be a light Be that light and spread some love Maybe this day the youth can make a difference, No more hate.
-Christofer Drew
Re: Dirty Little Secrets. -
March 24th 2009, 02:52 AM
I hate the person I have become. hate me. help. please. I hate what I did just now. Head hurts a lot. I want someone to be there...to ask me whats wrong so I can tell them. So I can just let it all out. please.