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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
EnterNameHere Offline
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Im sorry... - August 21st 2012, 05:24 AM

I dont know what to do..

My depression started about a year and a half ago..
My mom freaked and sent me to a psych hospital where I did my first cuts..
I soon left the hospital, where I continued to cut at home.
I was then sent to a different hospital.
I cut there too
I got sent home
I then started cutting at school.
Got sent back to another hospital
I repeated this cycle 7 times.
I then got sent to a residential facility where I went through a harsh relationship which led to me running away from the facility, two arm-fulls of new cuts, and more then doubled my suicide attempt count..
I returned to the hospital and completed my 9 month stay,
Where I thought I had gotten better..
Yesterday, I had a relapse that resulted in brand new cuts and my closet wall defaced with my blood..
To make matters worse, just earlier today, the girl from the harsh relationship texted me and started calling me 'her love' and telling me how much she misses me..
I want to just let go, but she was the first girl I really loved..
Some people are able to talk to their friends or family..
My friends have no idea what is going on, and even if I told them.. I come from an area where suicide is almost unheard of...
And as for my family..
This is where I get really confused..
They all say they love me.
But their opinions vary when it comes down to my depression.
My mom and her side of the family are passive and say 'we'll try to get better,
Whereas my dad and his side are aggressive and tell me(mostly my dad) that they are tired of my bull****
....
Ever since I've been depressed my family has been hurting.
I don't want to hurt them or anyone..
But as long as I'm like this, i continue to hurt them..
I just..
I almost wish that they would stop caring so that I could end it all and not have to hurt anyone anymore..

I'm lost..
I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel..
All I see is darkness..

Any response would be greatly appreciated and I want to thank anyone who listens to my thoughts and takes the time to read this whole thing..
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 21st 2012, 06:09 AM

Hi, well here goes me trying to help
Your family keeps sending you to the hospital cause they do care you should be happy someone cares for you that much to try and save yo
The cutting, it's good you stopped for awhile and relapsing is nothing to be ashamed of, you just have to get back on track I kinda think of it like a alcoholic drinking again theirs nothing. Can do but try try and they again
The girl... Well maybe it's best your not involved if she makes you extra emotional in anyway, sometimes that can make or break a person trust me ik
I don't want to go into major detail in this so if you want to hear more rambling help, pm me I'm here for you
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 21st 2012, 06:23 AM

First off, thank you for replying(:

I agree that my family loves me..and that they care for me..
But me relapsing means I will only be hurting them even more..
And the only reason they are hurting is because they cared about me so much...
But they have to live with me hurting them and I have to live with them being hurt by me..
That's why I want to make it easier on the both of us, me and my family, and just end it all...
My family is strong and united apart from me. They shouldn't have to live worrying whether I'm safe or whether I'm in my room with a razor blade..
At least if I end it they wont be always worrying..

Last edited by EnterNameHere; August 21st 2012 at 06:35 AM.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 21st 2012, 06:39 AM

Yea I just finished editing it

Last edited by EnterNameHere; August 22nd 2012 at 12:41 AM.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 21st 2012, 06:44 AM

:/ harsh, In my opinion even if u ending itall they would still worry and hurt... I mean I would be thinking a million things like what if could have done somethingto save him, maybe we didn't do the right thing, we didn't try hardvenough... Ur family cares about u cause their ur family its their job n it's their job to care, and yes it could be hurting them but ending it is going o do the same thing, I think the best thing u can do is have open communication, idk if u see the counselor with ur family present but that could help, just talking to a person can make them more understanding
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 12:46 AM

Thank you again for replying

I just got finished with an arguement with my mom..
And what the hell..
Text message pops up from my ex girlfriend..
She has gone through many of the same problems that I have..
I did a little 'research' about trazodone and overdosing.. I couldn't find a whole lot..
So I asked her how many 150mg tablets she thought it would take..
She wouldn't tell me
And the last message she sent says
"Jake if you kill yourself.. So will I.."
What the hell.
I don't want to hurt anyone like I said earlier..
But dragging someone down with me..
I dont know what to do.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 12:53 AM

I've said that exact thing to my bf... It's like he tells me I'm gonna be happy n it will get better not to hurt myself but than he says thats he wants to die and end I all, it's like fine, than I want the same... She obviously cares about u too... U have to try for her, and everyone argues with theirs parents sometimes... Bu they care too
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 01:05 AM

I think it's just a sort of ultimatum. People will do or say a lot of things to try and reach out to people who are suicidal. They bargain and threaten and anything else they can think of.
When someone commits suicide, people around them are hurt. No matter what. Probably a lot more people than you think. There's no way to do it and have it only affect you. It's too painful a thing to be confined to one person.
I'm really sorry things are so bad right now, but it won't always be this way. I just replied to your PM but I also wanted to show you support on here. Please don't give in to those thoughts. We're here for you.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 01:40 AM

I just got off the phone with her.
I can tell she still cares, but just by talking to her, I know she wouldn't follow me in my actions..
At least now I dont have to take anyone with me if I 100% make up my mind..
I'm getting my medicine just in case it gets to bad..
My mom just left so..
No one left to stop me when I decide it's time..

I'll keep posting as long as I'm still 'here'
But if otherwise..
Thank you for everyone who replied and showed that they cared.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 01:54 AM

Seriously Jake, please don't do this.
Don't give up hope. Things don't have to always be this bad. If you really feel like you're going to do it please call the national suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255 or call 911. You don't have to feel this way. You need to get help.
Just because you're not directly "taking anyone with you," doesn't mean you killing yourself isn't going to affect people. It will. It will hurt a lot of people. Your family and your ex and people you barely know but who will think "what could I have done differently?"
Sometimes you just have to have faith that things can get better, even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more.
Keep PMing me if you need to. Keep talking. Don't give up.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 02:00 AM

Try to think how much people will hurt if you end it, they care n they want u to get better it sounds like u have supports and hav gotten through it before, please don't give up, pm me if needed
   
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 02:23 AM

I found a bottle of 200 325mg aspirin tablets..

I don't think my mom will be home for another 4-5 hours..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 02:30 AM

Watch a movie, read a book, play a game. Just hang on for the next couple hours. Please don't give in, Jake. Things can get better.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 02:51 AM

When I talked to Haley(my ex)
She tried to help me by sharing some of her past experiences that she has went through and overcome.
I cant help but see how strong she is.
And I can't help but realize how weak willed I am.
I'm not strong like her.
I'm not able to adapt to any circumstance like her.
I still can't change my mind about wanting the easy way out.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 02:56 AM

I think she probably shared that to show you that it is possible to get better. Even when you feel really weak. I'm sure when she was at her lowest point she felt like she was the weakest person ever. But people are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I'm sure of it. You are a lot stronger than you think. You can do this.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:08 AM

Im sorry I still disagree..

I just took about 10 aspirins as a start..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:14 AM

I know that you're feeling so terrible right now, but please trust me that it can get better. Just hang in there for a few more hours. You can do it.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
  (#18 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:21 AM

In a few hours..
Chances are I will have finished the bottle by then.

Just took 10 more..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:30 AM

Please stop. Put the pills away. Go to sleep. Talk to your brother. Read a book. Things can get better.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:33 AM

Im sorry I've taken a total of 40-50 now..
I just now read the post..

I sorta want to tell somebody.. But I also don't want to..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:35 AM

If you don't want o talk to your family, you could call 911 have them bring u to the hospital... Maybe that's the best treatment, I rlly hope. U Don't give up
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:36 AM

I think I'm going to tell one of my friends..
I don't know if that is the best idea but..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:39 AM

I agree with cuttergirl17.
You say you don't know if you want to tell someone or not. Hold on to that tiny part of you that wants to tell someone. Hold on to that and don't let go. Let it give you courage. You can do this. I think it's great that you're considering telling your friend. They can help you get help. You don't deserve to be feeling so bad. I'm really proud of you for considering it. Please tell someone.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:41 AM

It's a good thing, support is one of the biggest keys to recovery
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:51 AM

I'm sorry everyone..
Thank you for everything..
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:54 AM

Don't give up jake please, think of everyone who loves u
   
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Re: Im sorry... - August 22nd 2012, 03:58 AM

Hang in there, Jake. We're here for you.


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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