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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hominis Offline
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Name: Jeremy [Ghost]
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Crumbling. - August 30th 2012, 03:58 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Warning:


This post mentions drugs and self harm, so I just tagged it as triggering.

First off, it's been such a long time since I've posted. To be truthful with you, dear reader, I never expected to be back here. I never expected to be typing in this familiar box, writing these words again.

Let me start this off by saying, I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. I would deny it to the very end of the day if I could. I don't want to be this way. I've got a good job, I've got a good life right now, where I help people day in and day out. I make people's life better. I have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me hope and makes me dream, but somehow, some way, it still isn't enough to make me feel...alive, I guess. I'm scared I'll break him. The kid is so inevitably in love with me, and I don't want to hurt him, he won't understand. I don't just say that, I mean that whole truthfully. If I were to leave, he would overreact, and I don't know how to handle it.

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, of fear, of nightmares and paranoia these days and I don't really know what to think or what to feel anymore. I get up every day, face the sunrise, face the morning light, face the birds in the trees and the people on the road as I go to work, and repeat it as the sun sets behind the trees every day, and I still don't know what to think or what to say to make it better for myself. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm happy, that I'm satisfied, that I'm free, because I'm not.

I know the majority of you are going to say that I need to find someone to talk to, that I need to find someone to unload all of my problems on, but if you know me, you'll know then that I don't know how to do this because of my past events in my life. I guess I'm just lost, and don't know how to help myself, and I'm at the point of just...scraping by again.

Physically, I'm fine. I have a past with self harm, and it's been a good two years since I've done anything like that, and while I don't see it as an accomplishment, I guess it's a good thing. I have a past with drug use, but I've been clean for about eight or nine months on that as well, maybe longer. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I guess I wrote this because I want people to know how I'm feeling, that I'm hiding behind a mask, that I don't know how to feel, and I guess that's okay, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it, really. I mean a final fix, not a temporary fix. I'm tired, and I feel like I'm breaking down in some way or another, and I don't want my very foundation to break, and I don't want to lose myself again because I've worked too hard to get myself back.

Thoughts?

-Jeremy.


.never tickle a sleeping dragon.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Spectruckn7 Offline
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Re: Crumbling. - August 30th 2012, 05:58 AM

It's time to take off the mask Jeremy. Sounds like you're very stressed out, so I think you'd benefit from taking some time off. Grab your boyfriend and go on a cruise, or a vacation and relieve some stress!

Cruises are fairly inexpensive, and it might help to have some quality time with your boyfriend. Perhaps you can talk about a few things with him, at sunrise, the boat swaying over the ocean.

You need some good quality stress relief.
   
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ciararnhrt12 Offline
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Re: Crumbling. - August 30th 2012, 10:59 PM

Hey,
I think that Brandon has a wondeful idea, stressis becoming a critical factor in causing a lot of physical/emotional health issues. If it is possible some time away from your daily life sounds amazing. All though a cruise does sound fascinating, I would recomend something a little more quiet and personal like renting a nice little cottage somewhere by the beach and enjoy the sun while its still nice out. I just spent my summer down in Pocasset, Massachusetts and its a wonderful little town in the cape. It's close to the ocean and everyone is very welcoming but for the most part mind their own buisness. Somewhere like that is a great place to relax and have some quiality time, but what/where you want to go all depends on the scenery that you and your boyfriend like. I hope you'll talk to him as well and explain how you're feeling (if you havn't already), its important for him to be apart of this and it would also help you knowing that he supports you through whatever you are going through. Stay well and best of luck.
Love CC
   
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