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goldpanda Offline
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Age: 25

Posts: 1
Join Date: September 7th 2012

Unhappy i have nothing left - September 7th 2012, 09:25 PM

I've been dating a guy for about three and half years now. As a child i was sexually assaulted by my nephew several times. I never told a single person about it until i was 13, and even then i never told any of my family members. He would always say "we're going to do it when we're older, it will be okay." As i was growing up i've always had a weird relationship with sex. The guy i'm dating now was my first real boyfriend and i was only sexually active with him. Just two months ago, i cheated on my boyfriend at a party. Not in the way many people think. I didnt want to, i was alone with this person, they wouldnt stop trying to have sex with me and it brought me back to my childhood nightmare. i felt like i couldnt say no, that it wouldnt matter. that he would just do what he wanted anyways because thats how it was with my nephew. I was so scared to say anything but i would push his hands away and turn away from him, just hoping he would stop but he never did. A day later i told my boyfriend about it and it became a nightmare. the only person in my life that i cared about was absolutely disgusted with me. I was disgusted with myself too and i still am. i just think about how im just an easy girl that he got to do anything he wanted with. Not to mention he had a girlfriend and is currently dating her still without her knowledge of the situation at all. I haven't talked to him since, even though i dont think id ever want to. only to curse him and tell him i wished he were dead. My boyfriend and i are still together, however, nothing is the same between us. we just moved into an apartment together because i just started to college and were going to the same school now. Some days things are great but now i just feel like i'll never be able to make him happy again. Today we got into a huge argument before he left for work. Something little that always starts the biggest fight. However, this one really hurt because i knew it was going to happen and even tried to avoid it. I noticed he seemed to me a little short tempered and i didnt want him to be upset before he had to work so i tried to do everything i could to put him in a good mood. I tried talking about anything that he would like but it turned into me mentioning something that he already told me about and he accused me of not listening to him. As the fight went on, he mentioned that he doesnt feel like himself anymore. That he doesnt feel like he has a personality anymore because everytime we talk im only talking about myself and i never listen to him. He went on to say that he was perfectly normal before i cheated on him but now he believes hes become bi polar because mental disorders run in his family. As i explained to him that i'm never trying to talk about myself, i only want to make him happy. He then tells me that's the problem, that i try too hard now and that i don't need to do anything. Before he left he looked me in the eyes and said he didnt know if he could be with me anymore or he's gonna go insane. He won't be coming home tonight because he works in our hometown. I never really had very many friends but since i've started college i have no one. My best friend from high school is the reason i even went to the party i cheated on my boyfriend at. It was her boyfriends best friend thats hes going to college with now. However, he just broke up with my best friend because he wanted to have sex with other girls in college. There isn't anyone i can talk to about this. There is no one that can understand how i feel. There is nothing i can do to fix anything. I have nothing left.
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depressed, left, rape, sex, suicide

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