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Validity Offline
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Angry Lost... - November 14th 2012, 04:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I wrote this poem and yeah, sort of states what happened. I'll start with that then explain..

Lost:
The words I once had,
are lost,
they flew from my mouth,
but at what cost?

I can't snatch them back up,
coz they're gone forever,
can't take back,
for what I did deliver,

I stated it in anger,
amidst my depair,
I can't say sorry,
because you don't care,

I said I hate you,
a little too blunt,
I said bullshit,
you're a c**t!

I had enough,
I said f**k you,
I didn't want to listen,
but only if you knew,

knew of my pain,
when I see you, my rage,
whenever you stomp all over me,
you disregard me just because of my age,

and so I told you,
to get lost,
I said I hate you,
but at what cost?

I ran, too far,
I fell,
and hit the ground hard,
people say 'don't dwell,'

But, how can't I?
I made a fool of myself,
and with my cheeks crimson red,
I wish I could place all my pain upon a shelf,

but, this is life,
it's just too hard for me,
I've tried my hardest,
but why can't I see,

the wonders of life in full colour?
I think I'm lost,
I'm firm in my faith but lost in life,
but at what cost?

Okay, I came home early from school because I don't go to sport anymore, when I got home, mum told me that my neighbour was coming over for the afternoon, I said okay, I have homework to do. Instead, she ordered me to go get my guinea pig grass, I declined and sat down to do the work. Lately, she's been trying to make me feel guilty for not doing shit when I have school work to do. Such as, (she's on crutches) wincing, and making a big deal out of it when I say I'll do it soon. She likes having me under her thumb...
Anyway, my neighbour came over, we were on our laptops, mum was in her room which, consequently, is right behind the lounge room so she could hear everything we spoke about, and I knew she was listening and would make jokes and she went off her head, telling me to 'watch what I say' because 'my mouth always gets me in trouble' I mean, take a chill pill and then take the joke and laugh it off, my neighbour has asperges and also catches onto jokes, even if it takes a few minutes or I have to explain it, today he was quite sharp and laughed at the jokes...
Anyway, I was asked to bring in the washing, I said sure, I put on my shoes and then wanted to check where her crutches came up at me. She yelled at me that I was going to break them... She can't even use crutches that well.. Plus, I am incredibly insecure about my weight so it made me feel like crap her comment...
So, we yelled, ranted, I told her she can get her own fucking washing but she pissed me off so much I stormed out anyway, I slammed my fist into the garage door and then kicked it in anger, seriously fuming (I'm sure smoke was pouring from my ears and my face was red...). I grabbed the washing, took it back inside and slammed the basket down. Mum and I got into a heated arguement, and I stupidly said, 'you know what? NO wonder you found your ex bofriend attractive! You and him are the exact fucking same!' After she told me that shes had enough of MY abuse. I mean, what the fuck?! If my neighbour wasn't there, I would have been crapping myself in fear that she'd snap and punch the shit out of me.... Mum has only resorted to physical abuse maybe 4 times... The last time, I pushed her too far and her now ex boyfriend actually had to drag her away, she was about a millimeter away from slamming me one right in the teeth....
But, anyway, now I'm sitting in my room, door shut, music loud, and I'm feeling mega depressed, I'm close to grabbing my scissors again... I'm so fucking close.... If I could sneak in my pills, I would, I fucking would... I just fucking don't want to live with this bitch... I have credit to text C (the guy who told me that whenever something happened I could text him) but since nothing really has happened I can't..... I can't tell anybody about mum's abuse, whether it's physical, emotional or mental. She always tells me I'm not good enough for anything, that my goals are too high that I'll never reach them, or she actually pushes me soo much I have a massive dent in the back of my door and I've broken down and sobbed into my pillow way too many times in the past 3 years...

PLus, this afternoon, she said 'if you don't fucking cut it out, I'll ring foster care and get you take away right now'.. I'd prefer it, I fucking would!
She is taking youth and church and lifegroup away from me again she's taking my computer away from me.... I can't take it... I feel so lost in my emotions right now... I don't know what I may do.....

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.

Last edited by Validity; November 14th 2012 at 05:03 AM. Reason: Poor grammer...
   
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Re: Lost... - November 17th 2012, 10:16 AM

Really? No advice on how to deal with my mum? How about any anger management crap I could do? I used to do karate and another self-defence class before we moved and now it is too far away to get to... Should I go to a gym and take my anger out on a punching bag or something?

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Lost... - November 17th 2012, 01:15 PM

Hey Jay. I'm sorry no one has replied to this post yet. I don't really have a lot of advice for you at the moment, but I want you to know that I care and I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship like that. It isn't right that your mom does that to you, and it sucks that you have to put up with that. Is there any way you could spend less time at home? Maybe spend more time at school (stay with a teacher and do your homework or join clubs or something), stay at a friend's/neighbor's house when possible, maybe even just go on a walk if your mom is really getting to you. Remember, you can always talk to me, okay?


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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I can't get enough
*********
 
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Name: Jay
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 2,459
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

Re: Lost... - November 17th 2012, 11:06 PM

Hey,

My mum is overprotective and does ont let me leave the house except for schools, youth and church.... It sucks..

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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