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Name: Izzy
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I want to be happy - December 22nd 2012, 01:25 AM

Sorry I hate to be negative, but I just need to vent a little...

When I was younger, I had health issues. To sum it up, I couldn't control my movements. At school, I stood out, and it's hard to make friends when you stand out. I could never do any other activities outside of school as an outlet because I'd go off pacing or moving my arms. Long story short, it greatly affected my life.

Through hypnotherapy, I've learned to keep this under control, but by then I was in high school. When you're bullied that long over something you can't control, your self esteem drops. My self image was so bad that my parents eventually put me on anti-depressants and therapy.

I was considering high school when an idea struck me-if I transfered, no one had to know of my past. How hard could it be to act like a normal teenager? To make a group of decent friends and not be labeled as an 'outcast'? So I transferred...

To an all-girl high school. There are about 30 girls per grade.

At first, I liked it. I had transferred at a bad time-there was an unusually large amount of drama going on at the school to the point where they had to pull all of the girls in my grade out of class for a long anti-bullying speech and send us on a retreat. However, towards the end of the year I found myself finding people I could actually call my friends. Except with my luck, the drama was enough to make them transfer, and the group dissinegrated. I only kept in contact with one of the girls who transferred.

My depressions back. It hit me in full force when a girl whom I hadn't talked to since she transferred, but still considered a friend, came to visit the school. I said hello, happy to see her, but she responded by briefly looking at me then ignoring me. I realized then that she probably never considered me her friend.

Hardly anyone likes me. I can count the people who do on one hand. At my old school, I've become out of site, out of mind to the few people I thought I was close to. My "best friend" won't talk to me now that she has her boyfriend to talk to. At my new school, I feel like a loner. I have acquaintances, but I know I annoy them when I follow them around at school events. I only got to know two people out of the entire color guard for an all boy school's marching band, and the one I thought I was close was going to be my roommate at Disney Land. She changed her mind at the last minute and I feel betrayed.

As my dad was taking me to color guard practice, for it was snowing hard and not safe enough for me to drive myself, we were talking about me transferring to a bigger private school where I knew a few people. He told me that I had no friends at public school and no friends at private school, therefore transferring wasn't going to change my situation. There was nothing wrong with the circumstances at school, there was something wrong with me. Which I knew all along of course. When you grow up with a health condition which everyone bullies you for, you never learn to be social. So, I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I probably wouldn't want to be my friend either- I'm too awkward to be much fun.

I wish I knew how to talk to people.

I wish I knew how to be fun to be around.

I don't want to kill or harm myself. I just want this pain to stop.
   
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Re: I want to be happy - December 22nd 2012, 03:40 AM

Hey there Izzy,
It is perfectly fine to vent. I am sorry that you had a rough time when you were younger and that it is affecting you now. I don't think it would help you much to transfer school's again that would be like running from your problems. Instead what you need to do is learn ways to better conversation skills and making friends. In saying this know that true friends will accept you for who you are that means accepting your health circumstances too.
You said that you are seeing a therapist? Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with them about making friends. I am sure they could help you. Try talking to the girls in your class about things that interest you. Maybe go to get coffee or something. Have you tried joining a club? Clubs are great ways to meet new people. You don't necessarily have to join a school sponsored club, you could join a community volunteer group or something if you want to make friends outside of school.

If you want to practice your conversation skills why don't you come by the chat room it is a great place to make new friends.

I hope this has helped you some. Send me a message if you need any more help or just want someone to chat with

-Tonya






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Re: I want to be happy - December 22nd 2012, 04:34 AM

Hey Izzy. I'm Christabel.
No need to be sorry, everyone needs to vent every once in awhile.

You sound really lonely and trust me, hun. I know what loneliness feels like. I grew up as a kid with no friends at all. All my family member kids were older than me and pushed me around and never let me do anything with them. So I grew up keeping to myself and now I have panic attacks whenever I talk to anyone besides parents and my brother. And I'm homeschooled so I can't meet anyone. I know how you feel about "not being fun" or socially experienced. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I agree with Tonya, the chat-room can help as well with social skills. Maybe talk to adults or neighbors to get more skilled at socializing?

I also have a few suggestions...

When you're out in public, make sure you smile. It gives out friendly vibes and makes you more approachable. If you see someone you'd like to be friends with then go up to them and introduce yourself, ask a few questions about them. See if you have anything in common. A good thing to do is listen, most people talk about themselves so just listen and smile. Make a polite remark about whatever they're talking about.

And I know it can sometimes be hard because of anxiety of rejection but a really important thing is to maintain eye contact on the person because if you're looking around the room like you're nervous they may think you aren't interested in socializing with them.

If it's a girl you're speaking to, make sure to comment on her clothes or necklaces or whatnot if you like it. Good comment of course. That's a really friendly remark and makes a person feel better about themselves and sends out a friendly vibe from yourself.

Some things to NOT do is text, sit on your phone or something. Makes you less approachable.

Also what kept me going is internet. I love making friends on the internet and it makes me feel like I have people to talk to when I'm feeling down or just to chat about random things with. I'd really like to get to know you.

Always remember that you won't always be alone in life without friends. You're amazing and someday someone would love to be friends with you. Keep the faith and keep smiling.

I know you can do this. You're an amazing, strong person. And I'd love to be friends with you. How about we stick together? We can do this together and be there for each other. <3

You can E-Mail me or VM/PM me anytime you want. I'd love hearing from you. All my contact info is in my signature. c:

~ Christabel
   
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