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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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DYon Offline
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Name: David
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Approaching the end of the rope - January 20th 2015, 04:30 PM

I don't understand. I try so hard to be one of the nicest people you'll ever meet but I'm one of the most secretly depressed you will ever meet. No matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out for me. I hate (in that I can never forgive) most of my family for how they handled me coming out, my extended family wants nothing to do with me because of my sexuality, and even though I'm a nice person, I can't seem to make friends.

All I ever do is let people talk to me, try and comfort them, I tell them everything is going to be alright, etc. just tying to make them feel better. In the end, they thank me but they move on, continuing their happy lives while I'm stuck in my past, dwelling on things I shouldn't be.

Just the other day, I was very down and I finally opened up to someone (Let's call him C) I have known for awhile in an online gaming community I am apart of about issues that have been going on in my life recently. The issue is obviously about the feelings I have for someone and how this someone is hurting me so much (Let's call him J), it's making me want to give up on life. So, when I finished talking about this to the guy, I said "Please C, whatever you do, do not take what I said and change your opinion on J. I don't want you to feel like he is a bad guy because of how he is making me feel". C then asked me why I would say that and I said "It shouldn't matter to you how I feel about a certain person. He is a good guy and I don't want people being mad at him".

I don't know why I'm trying to hold on anymore. The thought of not being with this special guy makes me want to just be alone with my own dark thoughts, though I would never tell him this because I don't want to upset him any. He was he first person that ever truly felt like he had feelings for me...how fucking stupid I was to rush into things.

(Im very sorry, but I'm going to rant a little bit here)

I just don't understand how someone cannot love someone that they truly care for more than anything. I cannot see how someone who has said "David, you are the world to me" doesn't love David. I cannot see how knowing I make them happy doesn't mean they love me. I've told him before (fucking stupid David...I hate myself for ever doing this) that I loved him...and the best he could say to me was "I cannot say I do or don't love you".....what the actual fuck.

Why do I feel like I'm being punished? This isn't fucking fair. I've tried my best to be loving, caring, and giving to each and every single person in my life. Why is it when I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (I'm not stupid enough to tell them that just yet...), the person that makes me so happy that I forget that there was anything wrong in the world, that it is decided it would never happen?

I haven't slept properly since the new years. I cry myself to sleep, each and every single night, because all I can think about is life not being fair to me. No matter how hard I try to fucking stay on, nothing works out.

I've given my friend an ultimatum it seems, and this Friday I am leaving for good. I told him that until he can sort out his emotions, I'm gone. I don't want to be hurt by him. I lied to him...I told him that I need the time off to think about my feelings...but I'm really taking this time off to say goodbye to everyone I know, just in case I do something stupid. I want to call my family members, people I know in orchestra, etc. just to tell them I cared about them and that I hope their new year is going well. Of course, I'm not going to let anyone know why I'm calling.

There are three possibilities of what he is going to say, and that is if he decides he cares enough to try and get ahold of me via email or text.

1) He says he does love me the way I do but just didn't understand his feelings...this obviously would make me happy, but at the same time, by mind doesn't want to accept this answer. I cannot be loved, I am incapable of it, no one has ever really loved me and I don't think you are really being honest with me. This would hurt me most if he inclined this feeing but I later found out he only did it to make me happy.

2) He says what he always says "I cannot say that I do or don't love you"...this would send me over the edge. I don't think he would ever hear back from me again.

3) He says he doesn't love me the way I love him...which is what I am expecting. Him saying this will undoubtedly send me into a longer term depression lasting for a while. I'm already been down this entire week thinking about this, and hearing this will only make it worse. I don't want this to happen, if this does, I'm going to be missing most of my classes in college because I will lose all motivation to keep going. I will fail this semester because of how my classes work and the expectations in them.


I am the worst fucking screwup in the world, and it's not fair that either of these three situations may be placed on him...but I know me, I know what would happen. Him saying yes would make me upset because I don't think I would believe him, him saying maybe would make me want to just give up, and him saying no will cause me to probably screw up everything that IS good in my life.

Why couldn't I have been smart and not said A DAMN thing about having feelings? I am a fucking idiot. The only person I've ever let in and actually learn more about me is the same person that is hurting me beyond belief. This experience leads me to never want to try a relationship again. I just want to never open up again. I just want to be the lonely David I was before I met this special guy and die being the lonely David I was.

I can't be loved. I would do anything in this world if it meant there was a possibility of us having a relationship. I am madly in love with this guy, he means the world to me..he gives me purpose to want to live...he makes me smile with no one else could or would...he makes me so happy that I never ended my life....he makes me want to continue living...he is the only person that holds the key to my heart...he holds my hand and tells me everything is alright and that he is here...he is the only person that I could ever see having a future with...but I know he doesn't feel the same about me. It was never meant to be. He doesn't understand at all, but the slight possibility that he may love me gives me all the reason to want to continue forward in this world and to keep living. Though at the same time, I think he knows that if I ever saw him fall in love, it would kill me beyond belief.

If I could have one wish, it would be for others and not myself, but if it had to be for myself, it would be to have never fell in love with him. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life...and I fucked everything up the moment I said "C...I love you". But there is no taking this away...he knows how i feel and I unfortunately know how I will take his response. I am a terrible human being. I am selfish asshole that only cares about his happiness. This is why I don't want to believe in happiness, because the pursuit of it is a selfish one. I feel so guilty, I just don't want to live any longer. This isn't fair.

Why God can't I just end this life and start a new one? I know it doesn't work that way but maybe you can make me an exception? When I'm standing there at the gates to heaven, all I will think about is CJ. I only pray that I get a second chance to fix everything in this life, or that I become CJ's guardian angel. He means the world to me and i want him to let me love him. None of this is going to happen of course, because nothing ever happens to me that is good.

Please, someone hold my hand and tell me it's going to be alright. I know that if I feel suicidal I can call someone I know that lives nearby and they can come get me, but I don't think I will this time. There is no point in this struggle anymore. There are plenty of nice people in this world, plenty of music teachers already trying to find work...I just don't think I'm worth it anymore. No one can love me, it's true. Not my family, not my friends, and certainly not the one person I have ever loved.

Please help me make sense of this all
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Re: Approaching the end of the rope - January 21st 2015, 06:21 AM

Hi David. You know, you are not alone, I've felt that way before. You are not a screwup as we've all made mistakes in the past. So much is happening all at once. Many people will struggle with that. And you're so brave for posting your message online.


I promise you things do get better. It's okay to be gay, if your friends can't accept that then that's their problem. Eventually you will make friends where you can truly be yourself. You'll also make plenty of other gay friends.

I suggest you keep a diary of your feelings. I wrote how I felt, sometimes I would never read them again. But it feels better just to get everything out.

I hope I was able to help you.
Chin up, always
The Writings of The Moon
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
DYon Offline
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Re: Approaching the end of the rope - January 21st 2015, 04:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWritingsofTheMoon View Post
Hi David. You know, you are not alone, I've felt that way before. You are not a screwup as we've all made mistakes in the past. So much is happening all at once. Many people will struggle with that. And you're so brave for posting your message online.


I promise you things do get better. It's okay to be gay, if your friends can't accept that then that's their problem. Eventually you will make friends where you can truly be yourself. You'll also make plenty of other gay friends.

I suggest you keep a diary of your feelings. I wrote how I felt, sometimes I would never read them again. But it feels better just to get everything out.

I hope I was able to help you.
Chin up, always
The Writings of The Moon
I actually really like the diary idea, thank you =)
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Re: Approaching the end of the rope - January 21st 2015, 05:31 PM

You keep thinking that you're a screwup but you aren't . And something tells me that you don't realize how special you are. There are plenty of people who would want to be as nice as you, as considerate as you and as sweet as you, but it's sort of impossible or nearly impossible. And i know that you don't think its acceptable for you to be gay, or into guys but the fact is that there's nothing wrong with that. And i'm extremely sure that plenty of people will agree with me.

And there's no point holding to the pain of the past... it's time to live happily, and stay safe and remember that there's always going to be happiness in the future. Life's happy and fair like that.

Don't ever betray yourself by thinking you aren't worth the effort and you don't deserve happiness. You so do. I'm sure that setbacks are what will eventually lead to your success. Stay strong, and remember that you'll always have us.. never feel shy to talk to us about anything


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
DYon Offline
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Re: Approaching the end of the rope - January 22nd 2015, 07:41 PM

I just can't help but not think I am a screwup. Anything that's good that comes into my life I somehow manage to screw up

I just hope that what happens in the next upcoming months is worth it. I'm quite fragile right now and don't know what to do
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Re: Approaching the end of the rope - January 23rd 2015, 09:32 AM

you aren't a screwup. There's many people who're worse.. and i think you're a nice considerate guy.

Whatever happens will be worth it because the next few months should be better. cheer up all right? You'll always have us to rant tos.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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