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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Not_here Offline
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no me= one less problem - April 12th 2015, 06:56 PM

Here are the reasons:
I'm tired and will be difficult. Those days are over of being the "easy child"

I'm an emotional wreck-i can SH at anything

Easily triggered

Rude, emotionally weak, self indulgent, self absorbed, disrespectful, irresponsible,


Holds resentment and anger towards people ejo hurt me


Annoying crybaby

Boring, weak character, empty

Bad at communicate. Easily miscommunicated. Easily misunderstood and making the other person uncomfortable

A downer, no fun, a loser


Aggressively lashing out- maybe that makes me a bully. My sister said "I'm not a punching bag okay?" when I was shouting at her. And I said yes you are because you need to know how it feels so you won't punch me.

There's so many things wrong witah that but clearly can't control what comes out of my mouth.

Fed up with life. I'm not interested in anything. I don't want dreams or a future because I'm bad at it anyway.


I shouted st my sister because she asked to borrow my computer while dad is using hers and I accepted but I told her I will need it after her. She leaves the computer opened and just goes to play music on the bass as if I'm not waiting. I can't deal with these things. It feels like personal attacks and I believe they are. Because when I ask her if she is still using the computer she gives me attitude and now my response is to crush her with more attitude.I don't like this but I feel like I need this to survive, then again I don't want to be alive. Deep down I don't want to be this mean but I don't know how to regulate myself. Either I'm being stepped on or the other way around.

She tells me to "be mindful" while I'm putting vegetables in the fridge because I'm making noises with the bags. It feels like she is trying to micromanage me. Besides constant insults and side remarks usually. So I reacted and said I found it rude. That I'm not talking or being loud on purpose. That she never does chores and would understand things if she did chores once in her life. That she always puts music and does not care how many times I ask her to put headphones because I'm studying for a huge exam. And she cares about a bag moving for a second? Because she is taking a video of herself playing music and people will really hear me thrashing bags in the other room. Then the phone rang and I said "maybe you should pick up and tell them to stop calling" i m rude and mean and bad. And I feel guilty but at the same time I'm not going to apologize. I'll rather drown in my tears.
No one likes the rotten grump who puts everyone in a foul mood. That's what I am because it hurts too much to be myself and have people attack that. I'd rather be tough but st the expense of being mean too. Because I'm sick of life and can't undo what I say to her and might as well die because I'm a monster. When I tell people I'm a monster they say no you aren't but then others tell me I'm rude and mean and bad and now I am officially those things. So now I can die and it will be celebrated. I'll celebrate too. I don't have the nerve nor the breath anymore. I don't!

And I can't get over this no matter how teeny tiny and trivial my problems are. Go ahead and laugh


Last edited by Not_here; April 12th 2015 at 09:55 PM.
   
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RadioSerenade Offline
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Re: no me= one less problem - April 13th 2015, 12:28 AM

You might think your problems are teeny tiny and trivial, and to be honest, they are small problems in their own right (the family dramas), but the thing is, they have stacked up and accumulated over the years to become something much bigger, and that's totally natural. I mean if I poked you once an hour for a period of five years, by the end of that five years, damage will be done and every poke will hurt more, because of the lack of time your body has to recover and the increasing time recovery will take.

I don't know you well enough to say, but if you feel you are easily triggered, then that's the fundamental reason you do need to stay alive and get attention. If you say you self harm, then that's something which deserves to be addressed and quelled, and that's something you need to stay alive for.

The problems you have are not a reason to die, but rather the recovery from those problems is the ultimate reason to live. I recommend you contact a crisis centre in your area. Crisis centres are basically call centres but instead of selling humidifiers, they talk to people when things get a bit much and they have the sense of inability to cope with certain issues and situations. They can talk to you about the way you're feeling, potentially the specific situation you're in and they can give you coping mechanisms as well.

You can find the details of a number of crisis centres, on this page.

www.teenhelp.org/hotlines.

I don't think you're a burden, you're just exhausted and I can tell you what, when I was at my worst, I felt like I was a handful to the people around me as well and I felt ashamed that I was feeling so down for problems which were trivial or in some case non-existent. It was just the weight of the smaller problems which got to me, and I was exhausted from so many months of bearing that weight.

I was in good physical condition LOL, unlike now , but I mean LIFE weight. I seriously hope things get better for you and I am so glad you decided to write in. Feel free to contact us again if you need to unload or talk to someone. .

P.S. What the fuck is a humidifier?


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