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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ashen Offline
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I'm done - May 20th 2015, 12:01 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

*This is a pointless rant of an idiot so people may want to just ignore it.*
I'm done. Just done. I'm fed up with dealing with screwed up 'family'. I'm fed up with wrestling with my f**ked up head. I'm fed up with that b*****d trying to make me into his puppet.
I started cutting a little over a year ago because of issues with my dad and things he's been saying. It slowly got worse to the point where I tried to kill myself a couple times back in August. Those attempts were and still are unknown to my mom, though she has since found out about the cutting.
It got better for a bit, marginally.
These past few months have been the worst as of yet. I honestly want to die and I honestly do not care about this life. The only two reasons I'm still here are my beloved books and that I fail at everything I try, including suicide. As I'm sitting here typing this, there's a word document open where I've written a suicide note. I have access to a knife. My wrists are already messes of scars and red cuts. What's a few more. What's a bit more blood and pain.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep being told to "talk" and that "there are people who can 'help' ". I am sick and tired of being told what "a bright future I have" and not to waste "all that potential [i] have", not to "let all that talent go to waste". I am sick of being told all these pretty lies. I don't believe them. They are not true. So stop saying them. I am not smart. I do not have a 'bright future'. I am not likeable You do NOT love me; you do not even like me. I will not believe your lies SO STOP. SAYING. THEM.
I'm not cut out for this. I was never meant to live. I can't handle it. I'm too fractured, too weak to last.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even think I want 'help'. I don't think I want to 'get better'. What is 'better'? A meaningless life of a lie, of being forced to be someone who is the polar opposite of who I am. What the heck to I do when all I want is to be done with this charade of a life.
Sorry. This was a meaningless rant. I just am a stupid, useless, head-in-the-clouds idiot who can't make a simple, stupid decision.
   
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RadioSerenade Offline
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Re: I'm done - May 20th 2015, 04:07 AM

I will tell you why you're writing it, because you need to get it off your chest. It's better that than leaving it in. I recommend you take a step back from the knives. Literally take one step back and turn your back, and take a deep breath. You need a moment. Have you ever heard of Lifeline? Probably not, because you are probably not from Australia LOL, but it is a crisis service, and it has often been stated as the fourth emergency service of the country.

Have a look at this page. This is a list of hotlines, for people who need some help, and depending on which country you're in, a section of them will apply to you. Speak to them when you get an urge to kill yourself. Make it your instinct, to marry these urges to the phone, and when they pick up, tell them everything.

www.teenhelp.org/hotlines.

That's such a good thing that you have figured out what has kept you on this earth. Literature, eh? Have a squiz at this:

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”

“At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.”

Lemony Motherfucking Snicket man, that bitch was my childhood friend, eh. You might feel like these issues and the quotes people tend to offer, the advice people offer is clichés but that's because it's true. You might think you have been given these remedies that many times before, but that's because they work. What more have you got to lose?

I hope things get better for you, I do, because you simply don't deserve this. Nor do you deserve to let this bubble up inside you. You don't need to suppress your swearing, nor do you need to stop this for the fear it seems pointless. Please come to us in the future, and let this off your chest. I will probably contact you some time later to follow up on this, but I just want you to know, that if I get answered by a cop or one of your parents, I will personally mail Pat Rothfuss and let him know what happened, because writers love their readers. People will care if you die, and I hope you take that into consideration before you make a decision.


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Last edited by RadioSerenade; May 20th 2015 at 08:48 AM.
   
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