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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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I need someone to tell me who I am - October 7th 2015, 06:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I"m marking this just to be safe. I've posted here WAY too much about the dismissal that happened almost a year ago. The reason is that it BROKE me. I've been dealing with things like this my whole life: unwarranted/unfair criticism, always being wrong no matter what, constantly failing and never knowing why, never really connecting with people despite my best efforts, being the only one to get in trouble for something EVERYONE was doing. Turns out I have a rare (as in unheard of) learning disability similar to Asperger's. Since I've been dealing with this kind of thing forever, I've built up a pretty good tolerance for being treated like crap, but this was worse than anything I've ever been through and it was my last straw. I thought I'd come close to suicide before, but I almost attempted the other day. I literally lost everything from my friends to my professional help, years of time, thousands of dollars of debt invested for nothing, and I'm still unemployed, and yes I'm really trying.

My problem now is that (and I mentioned this to them on multiple occasions while I was there) I don't know what to believe and I don't know who I am anymore. They said they cared, I want to believe they did, but I'm suspicious and I doubt they do now. I'm assuming they've forgotten about me already. I was accused of lacking empathy, which I absolutely DO NOT, but that stuck with me even after they decided they were either wrong about it or never said it, I was told I could get recommendations from them for other things, but since I heard that second-hand I have to assume it's not true and now I'm afraid to ask even when I figure out what I want. If you read the few stories I can find online they're all horror stories, almost every single one is about as bad as mine. They said I had options, but this disorder has some of the highest unemployment rates and we're higher risk for suicide (gee I wonder why) between things like this happening to us and the anxiety and depression we tend to have. They only see the 3.7 GPA I'm capable of pretty much nothing because I'm so impaired. All I want to do is help people, but I'm pretty much never allowed near them again, I'm severely academically and moderately socially impaired too and I struggle with things everyone else finds a piece of cake, so if I managed to get past an interview, I'd just get fired in 5 minutes.

I'm still completely lost, no one who offered help (one person who was available to give it) knows what to tell me, I'm afraid to try again because I'll probably just fail all over again. If I want something I automatically know I can't have it, and I have no idea who I am anymore.

I don't expect anybody to actually read this, but could somebody please ground me in reality and remind me that I'm human and capable of life. I've been here forever so at least some of you know who I really am, can someone tell me please? I realize that relying on others to define me is probably part of the problem, but I'm that far gone. Help?


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Re: I need someone to tell me who I am - October 7th 2015, 07:16 AM

im sorry to hear that but look at the bright side your not ending up like me and do things that makes you happy be with friends family and pm any time
   
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Re: I need someone to tell me who I am - October 7th 2015, 08:29 PM

Hey, Katie.

First off, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You are ambitious and brave for chasing after your dreams in the first place. Regardless of your disability, you are still pushing forward and that's admirable. What I think is that you should keep pushing forward. Continue trying and show them what you can do - your skills and determination. I really do believe you will achieve your dreams and be able to help others and also, that's admirable too the way you want to help people. That takes a kind heart that cares for others.

Do you have anyone you can go to for support through this such as friends and family? Having support, someone to talk to and people to listen could help a lot.

Are there any similar practices in this job area in a nearby town/city that you could seek employment to? If this particular place isn't helping you get employed then perhaps you could try a different place if you're in a position where you can move to the next town. Not sure if any of that is possible, just a suggestion. As for the one you're currently looking into, don't be afraid to ask for suggestions. You can ask for more detail about what they mean and show that you're willing to work on these things. Showing that you can improve and will work on certain things could help you get hired if they're flexible. Just ask and show them that. Ask what to work on and state simply how much you want this. Don't be afraid to ask for pointers and advice. I really do hope they will help you with this.

I don't think you lack empathy. Plus, some people who seem as they have no empathy simply have issues expressing empathy. That occurs in people who don't even have a disability. So no, the way you are being kept away from a job you really want simply due to a disability when you have worked so hard for this, that is not right. Which is why I believe you should keep going for it rather than settling for the way you are treated. People with disabilities should be given a chance too, that's only fair. You can make a difference simply by fighting for this job and beating the odds. I have seen a lot of your posts and what I get from that is an educated person that's very knowledgeable on the topic of mental health. Obviously I'm not someone hiring you nor am I aware of your skills in the area of work but you give off an educated and intelligent impression in the way you write. That's something I have always seen in your posts.

Dreams are a part of a person, and when you invest all your effort, money and time into achieving them, it's only understandable that you'd feel as if you're denied being who you are. Your disability is a part of you but it is only part of you, it does not define you and it should not define your success. You should be given the same chance as everyone else is given and I don't think you should give up on that. Regardless of what happens, I can understand why you would feel so low even to the point of being suicidal after going through all of this work then wondering if you will even be able to get your job but I do want to remind you that your life is worth a lot more than this. As I said, your dreams are a part of you just like your disability is, but it isn't all you are. You're young and you have a lot of life to discover and explore along with finding more of who you are as you have new experiences in life. Don't give up now, Katie.

In the meantime, don't give up on this but I encourage you to create and set additional goals for yourself as well. Goals you want to achieve, things you want to do, places you want to see and experiences you want to have. What you are going for is obviously extremely important to you but when you're in doubt, it can be helpful to have other things you know you can look forward to as well. Something concrete, you know?

You are capable of life. You have showed a lot of strength and courage by simply going for your dreams. Not everyone can be brave enough to put so much effort into it. Transfer that determination onto living as well; don't give up. You can do this, disability or not you still have potential. You don't know unless you keep trying. Remember, we're here with support for you so you aren't alone. Hope this helped somehow. Stay strong and hold on. Keep us updated? PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.
   
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Re: I need someone to tell me who I am - October 8th 2015, 12:35 PM

I think that disabilities are something some people are given.. and it can be either a curse or a blessing. It may make things difficult, and i know how bad aspergers is. BUT i do know that the people who manage to overcome it, are full of determination and a true strength of personality that can never be denied.

There's nothing you can't overcome. In fact, every challenge is just there to be beaten. And if some people decide to overlook what you're capable of, they're losing out on a strong, sweet ,nice young woman. Stop looking at what you lack, and start seeing and realizing how special you are. You are determined. You are strong. You care about other people, and you are someone who wants to make things better. Those are many qualities that you have which some other people don't even have. Be proud of yourself.

Keep trying to get a job.. and remember that you will succeed. There is NOTHING you cannot accomplish. Similarly, there is NOTHING that can stop you from getting happiness You'll always have us when you need us.. anytime!


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You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: I need someone to tell me who I am - October 18th 2015, 11:41 PM

I have just spent 17 years on this earth and it seems so hard but look Kate you are strong you are like 10 years older than me isn't that great. I am always here to help you in anyway. I hope you will start doing good in the coming days. Really hoping good for you. Don't worry there are ups and downs in life and i know you are so strong you can skip the downs and come to the ups.
   
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Re: I need someone to tell me who I am - October 19th 2015, 10:07 AM

Kate,

Your human and you are doing the right thing. Believe in yourself and give yourself challenges. Being autistic myself I understand things maybe hard but that doesn't mean you should give up.

Aim at goals and work towards them but just don't do anything dangerous like suicide and cutting yourself.

Work hard. I believe in you.

Feel free to contact me again for any more advice.

David


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keep positive
   
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