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spiderboy Offline
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my life - May 26th 2016, 12:51 PM

I am a 22 year old boy from Romania, and I'm going to graduate from college in a month.
I can say that I have a good life, I have everything I need materially, I have a great loving family, and I honestly consider myself a smart person. I have done many things in my life. I have been congratulated and told what a great person I am many times. My parents always say that they are so proud of me and they only wish that they were like me when they were teenagers. All this sounds wonderful.

But on the inside, I'm not feeling well. Actually, in this period of my life, I've been feeling really bad on the inside. I constantly feel the need to satisfy everybody around me, and I feel I have to make decisions for my life right now, although I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm graduating, and I'm among the top 3 students of the university, but I don't feel good enough. I feel I have way much more to learn. I am pushed to go on with my studies for a Master's degree but I don't feel ready for that right now. I feel I'm in a need of some free time, but my parents are against "doing nothing", because they are constantly afraid that if I choose do have a gap year, I will never go on with my studies again.

I feel like in a depressive state. feel like everybody else around me is doing fine and they are all happy with their lives, because they're in charge of them. I feel that everybody takes life easy, they live relaxed without caring for anything, and they have success in everything they want, while I care a lot for every little detail, and I am not even noticed many times.

I don't have friends, neither a girlfriend. I don't like going to clubs because I can't stand the music there and I don't like to get drunk. I am respectful and nice with everybody but I have never felt I get that back from the people around me. I feel like the person who is not wanted by anybody, although I am funny, friendly and I like to try new things. I'm just not interesting, because I'm the "boring" guy who doesn't do the stupid things, I guess. I have had a small friends circle, but I was the one who was always considered inferior and always being laughed at. So I decided to loosen the friendships with those people. I find it really difficult to become friends with people. I'm not talking about getting to know somebody. I'm talking about creating a friend relationship. And I find it way much harder to get a girlfriend, but I believe I'm just not attractive because of the way I feel inside. I really need some people around me whom I can trust and talk to freely, because I don't have that. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and I would gladly be that to somebody else too, but nobody seems to be interested in it. I want to have a girlfriend to love and spend time with. That would change my life because I wouldn't feel alone anymore. I am a virgin, and have sexual desires, but I don't want a girlfriend only for sex. I want someone I can love and who can love me back, but all the girls I know choose other people, which sometimes are honestly not so funny, and far less respectful or smart. I don' understand how this works. I really don't. I feel like I was born in the wrong place or year and I have the feeling that the world doesn't need me now, because everybody is doing just fine without me. Except my family, of course.

Now I'm sitting here in my student dorm room, feeling and emptiness inside me because I literally feel alone. It's not the first time I have this feeling. I get it about every week and I really don't like it. I manage to get out of it all the times, but it comes back eventually.

I'm also a musician. I've been playing for 12 years, but haven't written my songs yet. I have many ideas recorded, but didn't sit down to create my music. I feel I can do it only if I have nothing else on my mind.

I love to travel. I visited China two years ago, and last year I spent 4 months in the USA. One of my dreams was to visit NYC and I made it. I was so happy that I was walking on the streets smiling and feeling an amazing energy inside me. I would have wanted to go again, because I had the opportunity, but my parents insisted on me going on with a Master's Degree instead of going to work in the USA, which I actually enjoyed a lot and I feel it also helped me a lot, both personally and financially. My parents are great people. I love them with all my heart, but I feel that they care too much about me and this keeps me down a lot. They don't let me drive on a long road without them being with me, and they keep telling me their opinion on everything I want to do. Maybe I would like to go on a trip by hitchhiking and I'm sure they wouldn't agree, because it's too dangerous. The truth is that given the fact that I have no friends to rely on and to spend time with, my parents are the only persons in the world whose advice and opinions I care the most about. This is why I feel I began to make decisions and think just like they want me to, although I don't see things the same way sometimes.

People around me tell me to go a travel somewhere by myself with the money I earned, but I wouldn't enjoy it alone. I would rather be nervous and anxious instead of enjoying it, and my parents wouldn't agree with me travelling alone either.

They always help me with everything. I'm the world for them. I would like to talk to them about all this and I actually tried a few times, but they get angry and say that they don't understand how a boy like me can feel this way, but they are not helping. They are also stressed at work, and I don't want to pressure them even more, because if they don't understand what I'm saying, I can't change that. So I feel alone in this case.

What I need is some advice from you on what I could do in order to get rid of these feelings and use myself at my best. I feel I have so much potential to do great and important things in my life! I just feel that not now. I'm confident about a great future me, but I'm not confident at all with the person I am now.

I know I wrote a lot, but I tried to be as specific as I could, although there would be a lot more to write.
Thank you in advance for your help and patience.
M.
   
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Re: my life - June 8th 2016, 07:52 PM

Hello there,

Sorry for the very late reply.

I do want to congratulate you one your graduation, which seems to be exciting but also you would like to have a break and have free time to relax before obtaining your Masters degree. This is perfectly normal to feel that way. Something that came to my mind is could you balance study with fun and doing nothing? That way your parents see you get your Masters and that you also enjoy your life a little more.

It sounds like you just want time to yourself and not have so much stress to deal with, that you don't want to do what others want you to do, but for you to do nothing. I think you'd enjoy that a lot. To make this happen so your parents and you are both happy is to meet in the middle. I know you are 22, so you can make your own decision however if your parents are paying for your education the best way is to meet in the middle. First I would start with finding things you would rather do or like to do. Do you enjoy books, games, clubs, or any of those sorts of things? You could always join a book club or a gaming club and you meet others that way, you can make some friends. This doesn't mean you aren't just doing nothing, you are doing a lot for yourself. You can always check in your community of any programs that you could join that is interesting to you. You can meet a lot of other who are just like you, like the same interests and activities. It may seem a bit overwhelming at first but you will feel good about it. You mentioned you are a musician, would you be interested in looking at the music shops in your area, maybe you could teach kids, teenagers, adults how to play instruments. You could also see if you can get into a band and play songs. It's something that you can look into.

I totally understand wanting a meaningful relationship where you can love someone else, who will love you back, a shoulder to cry on and express how we feel and our daily life to. Believe me there is a lady out there for you, you just haven't found her yet. Maybe try going to new places or being involved with more activities around your interests and likes you can meet someone or others. That way you know for sure you and them or that person have the same common interests as you do. It also helps to have a conversation about that particular thing you are doing or at.

Does your College have any counselors you could talk to? I am not sure if that is something you are interested in doing? Talking to someone about our emotions can be very beneficial for us. You can express your education with them, family, friends, relationships, your depression and how you've been feeling these days. You won't feel so alone.

Traveling is a very amazing thing to do. Do you have any time to go traveling between getting your Masters Degree if there is time that allows it? You could also plan a trip somewhere after you get your Masters, you could talk to your parents about this plan, it can be a goal to after you receive your Masters. However, do you have time before you need to go back to College to get your Masters? During that time you could travel somewhere then come back and do your Masters. I know you wouldn't want to travel alone, you can get 14 day travel packages where you go to a area or city and meet up with a group, that way you meet others and won't be alone. They're called Tour Guided Groups. I've never done it but I've heard they are really fun to do cause you meet a lot of new people and the group stays together.

One thing that is sticking out to me is that you need to be more assertive with your parents. It seems they have planned your life out for you and not allowed you to figure out what you want to do, allowed you to make decisions for yourself. How do you feel about being more assertive with your parents? If you need any help with this send me a PM or reply.

Writing a letter to your parents might be helpful, that way you can formulate your thoughts and what you want wanting, then you can give the letter to them to read. It might be easier to do it this way rather talking to them, this gives them a chance to see it through and not interrupt you and what is important to you the most. Would you be interested in the letter?

Here are a few Resources that I think might be helpful for you:

Teen-Babble
Teen-Babble helps you to survive the difficult teen years with a range of articles, videos and podcasts covering topics including relationships, help and more.

Fig
This application is an enjoyable way to improve your wellness through many simple and easy activities that can put together into your own personalised guide. Available for free on Android devices through their application store.

I hope this was helpful for you, let us know how it goes. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM me.

Take Care.


Have questions or would like to chat send me a PM
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