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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Brooke
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Question Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 20th 2016, 05:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I know what I can do to help myself, but I just donít have the motivation to make myself do it Iím scared I will fail Iím ashamed it will probably be another lie and I wonít put down the weed or alcohol, Iím a functional addict if you donít count my mental health the fact I wonít leave my house by myself or look after myself, the fact I can never seem to smoke enough to make myself leave even with a friend accompanying me, canít go more than 48hrs without a drink and no more then 6-8hrs for weed, unless Iím with clean friends or babysitting,

Nobody to support me or even agree and admit I have a problem everyone else says thereís no problem, sure I donít get drunk, never had problems with police, or hospitals and always pay my bills. But if Iím awake and not drinking then Iím thinking about it, I physically crave it and get quite emotional at the thought of having none

I donít know what to do I barely self-harm now can go months without it but the thoughts are constant, suicide crosses my mind but I know I wonít act on it, at the moment I canít live for myself but I can live for my sister, my nephew and my 2 cats in the meantime sorry for the long post and biggest appreciation if you made it to the end, just stuck donít want to feel this way but even giving up addiction wonít make the depression go will just mean I will have no way to numb myself onto of the fact I have nobody to help me when Iím ashamed and scared of myself, and have to look after my sister anyway so canít get more depressed. Wish there was like day programs or therapy that was free or low cost that were more than just a hour to few hours week, can only get 10hrs counselling a year because Iím poor so thatís all the government gives


now another cycle of depression made worse by the fact my parents didnít acknowledge my birthday, I wasnít even worth 20c in a payphone for a text message for my birthday except my dad remembered when I rang him to try sort birth certificate and then told him I had to go I was with friends drinking for my birth then it clicked held expectations my dad would ring didnít expect from my mum unless your offering money drugs or gossip then where not worth her time, doesnít make it hurt less though, didnít stop it from sucking any fun I might of had out of my birthday obsessing over if they would contact me there still doing pretty good at screwing me around by stopping me to go to England after all my saving and promises, all because there lowlifes who are selfish and wonít get off their bum and get themselves a birth certificate which I need for an passport, Iíve offered to pay and already given mum money for it and hoping she wonít rip me off as usual. So even though Iím 23 there still capable of destroying my happiness. And taking my dream of England away for my best friendís wedding...


just so desperate to get this passport got 25 days left before I got to book my tickets, Iím just panicking and my mind really busy with negative thinking and reminders of why I hate myself and my life.

canít even buy razors to shave donít trust myself, see a counsellor that isnít working emotions arenít considerate and wonít wait 3 weeks, my sister has been in and out of hospital last 2 months due to 5 suicide attempts so the stress is taking its toll especially when itís so easy to think what if or if I didnít leave meds around, she is ok, but forever anxious when sheís here scared of a repeat of going to sleep and then waking up and sheís gone


Sorry its a long post thank you and i really appreciate if you made it through reading it all
Will post a pic of my 2 fur-baby girls to thread later(always my reason to stick around)
   
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 23rd 2016, 03:04 AM

I'm really sorry that you're going through everything that is happening right now. Depression can cause people to have no motivation, even if we know exactly what we need to do to help ourselves: actually doing it is another thing entirely. But you have half the battle, now it's just to get that other half too. That is not impossible though.

You know what to do, maybe it would help to make a list and physically plan it all out? I know that's hard work but you have to sit down and do it. Because sitting isn't doing any good. It sucks and you may just want to sit in bed and do nothing. But it's only going to make you feel worse.

I'm sorry about the trouble you're facing with addiction and not being able to get a good reliable source of professional help due to money can be extremely difficult. Have you ever looked into going to an alcoholics anonymous group? They are usually free and open to the public and it might help to have some support from others who are experiencing the same things you are. You might even be in an area that has multiple meetings a day that way if you are feeling the need to drink or something, you can go to a meeting or have something to hold on to as a sorts.

You also mentioned that if you're with friends who are clean or babysitting you don't turn to it, so maybe try to do that more often. Being around people can help a lot with depression too and make you feel less isolated and kind of get you out of that zone where you're not motivated to do anything. Plus these friends might be some people you'd confide in with your struggles? You mentioned that you felt you had no one to support you - that isn't how anyone should feel. People need others. We are social creatures! We cannot thrive in loneliness. So don't put yourself in that position. Seek out others, get to know them a little better and think about confiding in them. People will surprise you with how much they will care and offer to support you in whatever way that they can.

It's good that you don't self harm very much, but having the thoughts and thoughts of suicide still isn't really great. No one needs that and it's awful to cope with that alone. You mentioned you had a counselor - do they know about that? If not, I do urge you to open up about it because it's not something you have to do alone. If your counselor isn't working with you as much as you'd like, maybe look into finding another one, or being honest with your current one and tell them you'd like to see someone else. Cost is difficult, but sometimes you can find a free clinic or a low cost one. It depends on the area though. In my area there is a low cost guidance center and on the college campus students get counseling for free. Look into options and seek them out! You never know what you might find.

i'm also going to give you a link of some hotlines. You can't always get to a professional, but some hotlines are 24 hours and they are free as well. They can also be very beneficial and I have used them myself! It never hurts to try. You don't deserve to suffer and deny yourself help. This is the link here.

The situation with England seems tough as well. I do think you should keep pushing your parents though. Maybe offer to drive her, or ride with her to go get it and give her an incentive as in like taking her to lunch after? Don't give up if it means a lot to you! I really hope that you are able to achieve your dream of going and I hope it all works out.

It sounds like you have a lot of stressors in your life. Your stress is justified. But sometimes a step away from everything and taking some time to make sure you are well is needed too. It is great that you care for your sister, and it can take it's toll. I like to think of it kind of like this. When you get on an airplane one of the first things they do is talk over the intercom about how if there's an emergency to put on your oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs. Sometimes you have to put your needs first in order to help other people as well. And that's okay.

I really hope that this is helpful and if you ever need to talk my inbox is always open if you want to talk! Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need someone.


"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
   
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Brooke
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 23rd 2016, 06:50 AM

yer a list would probably be a good idea, so far ive made a drs appt for tomorrow,
i tried the NA meeting near me and had a bad experience but ive looked into smart recovery its a 30min train trip away and then about a 10minute walk its only once a week for about a hour,
ive considered going back to ATODS but same thing they helped me before im ashamed to admit pretty much right back where i started except drinking has decreased slightly,
and yer ive considered headspace so really its a matter of rining up or going to places im still concerned i dont think a day program or intense program exists i think its counselling and meetings or rehab which isnt an option again due to finances, being a cat mum of 2 and still having to make sure i have a roof to come back to as much as i hate living here without it me and my cats are homeless
but i do feel i will always really struggle with my addiction while im trapped in the same enviroment or still have to return back to it, will make a list tonight though of all these things i can try to do,

babysitting my nephew in 6 days for a few hours really looking forward to it and organised to hang with a positive cousin and his family...
not thats not without it stress my older bro wants to get together with them too but he really screwed them over at one point so ive asked for him but its up to them to decide and honestly with how my family is i believe everyone has the right to chose which family they have anything to do with,
im sure if they knew how much a mess i was, i would probably be secluded too, but good on putting on the positive side of me and its sort of easy when i get to hang out with there young boy so dont have to do many conversations,

i think i have told my counsellor about my thoughts of self-harm and suicide i cant remember her response, i dont know its like a repeat of my teenage years where i was always told my self-harm is superficial so not to worry about it wish they could see how messed the head has to be to do it.

Good news england wise i have 9 weeks to go, yesterday i went and drove my mum to court house to get application and all that and paid her $10 for it, posted it off today $86 later now im poor but its sent and ive asked for priority processing so should hopefully have it in 11 days, and then the rest of my huge list of things to do to go like travel insurance passport, tickets, suitcase clothes, make sure theres enough litter and food for friend to look after cats, cant wait till i will be on the phone and my biggest stress will just be getting on the 2nd plane and then getting out of the airport.

its hard to put myself first i never really do untill im about to explode and then sometimes when i start like doing doctors appts and all that to get my mental health better, something comes up and im back to living hour by hour never knowing whats next, finally got hold of my sister today after 2-3days so anxiety a little less and explained that if she doesnt know what shes doing and if or when shes coming back, that its still helpful to message me and let me know, always feel on call till i know shes safe.
and thank you it is helpful, and especially just to have someone to listen.
will have a look at hotlines tonight when i have abit more time thank you
   
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 23rd 2016, 09:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by contaigous-misery View Post
ive considered going back to ATODS but same thing they helped me before im ashamed to admit pretty much right back where i started except drinking has decreased slightly
I can't give you a long well thought out answer right now but I just really wanted to say that this is pretty HUGE. Any decrease at all when you're struggling with any sort of addiction is a big deal and you shouldn't be ashamed that it's only decreased slightly because it's still progress. And no one expects you to be better quickly, and if they do then I don't think they really understand addiction.
Also thank you for your formatting, the color switches and paragraphs made it much easier to read.



"We all have battle scars, Finn. Suck it up and build a brace for yours."
   
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Brooke
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 23rd 2016, 02:52 PM

yer only people that understand is the professionals everyone tells me i dont have an addiction or if i want to quit then just quit like its easy.
but its on my mind everyday from the first moment i wake up im working out will i drink today can i get cans will drink at home or a friends, do i have enough homebrew for the fortnightand, i get physical cravings for it,

i dont know i can see how they dont see it as problem as i only really drink so i dont crave so it appears i dont drink much cause its so spaced out and i dont get drunk, and also cause half the time i dont see the point in drinking anything else,

and i dont know i think some people can smoke weed and be good productive people but i lose motivation, memory and stops nightmares for me, i just hate being addicted i never seem to be able to smoke enough to leave the house and always late unless i have a gp or counselling appt where i try my hardest to not have anything beforehand, i hate its made me a shell, and became my whole lifestyle, i cant imagine ever living in this world and not drinking so im hoping i can just cut down to healthy levels, i just feel stuck and so ashamed and i also i rarely talk about the negative health affects i get, i wish i never touched weed and i wish i never started using alcohol as a crutch.
   
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 24th 2016, 09:04 AM

here is my list a million things to do before england which means the stuff on my health list will probably be pushed aside i know i need to look after myself and i did attend my gp i will try get around to some but blah so much to do
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 24th 2016, 10:19 PM

I'm glad that England is working out for you! Just follow the items on your list and work on them. This is something for you and I think doing something relaxing will be good for your health as well - now that doesn't mean when you get back you should just go back to how things were. You should look into those resources, and I know it's scary to not know if there are programs and you think their probably isn't one - you do not know that until you get out and look for them!

You have to do the work, I know that sounds kind of harsh, but it's really the truth. Nothing will change if we don't do things about it. I think ATODS might be something to really consider again - if it helped decrease it even a little bit that is an accomplishment and going regularly might be able to help you decrease it even more and eventually be alcohol free.

I'm sorry no one is supporting you in your attempt to stop using and drinking. If you believe there is a problem with how you're living your life with alcohol and drugs, that is all that matters though. You are the one who is going to make the change, not the other people. I think once you stop, they might even begin to see how much you depended on it. It might be a good idea to bring this up to your counselor as well.

You've mentioned multiple times you don't feel like they're helping you very much. I think that's an important thing to talk about. Your counselor may feel like she is helping and unless you say something, they might not get everything. They're not mind readers unfortunately and we do have to be 100% honest with them - even when it's hard. Be honest. Tell the truth about how you feel towards counseling. You may be able to find a way that she can better help you. It's always worth a shot.


"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
   
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Brooke
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Re: Im in a void and cant evict myself - August 25th 2016, 02:47 PM

yer lots to do when i get back from england but i will get there and going to try start some things before i leave
   
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