Triggering (Suicide): Depressed and anxious since birth

[DjCamiC]

I'm so tired. When I think about having to live the rest of my life I get so painfully exhausted. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal because I'd never actually do it. I'm just so depressed. I can hardly find it in me to leave bed and go to school. The thing is, things are going pretty great in my life right now. I'm an officer of my speech and debate team, I have a beautiful girlfriend, and loving supporting friends who stick with me through my illness. My parents understand the best they can. My life is going the best that it has been in years, so why am I so depressed? I just made some medication changes with my psychiatrist (increasing zoloft from 50mg to 100mg) zoloft has worked so well for me in the past and literally saved my life. He also started me on propanolol as a PRN for panic attacks, but I take it every morning to prevent my near daily panic attacks. Finding a psychiatrist is really hard in my city, and he's stopped answering our calls, so I have to stay on this medication until we can find a new one, because my regular doctor doesn't feel comfortable prescribing me anything but the 50mg of zoloft. I feel like such a burden on my parents because they both have full time jobs and they take care of all of my medical stuff while I'm laying in bed dissociating. I've done so much therapy, i've tried yoga, sage pills, deep breathing. Nothing works. Right now my future feels so hopeless. I wanted to be a scientist and work in a lab creating medicines but now all that seems achievable for me is a chef (nothing wrong with chefs, just in my parents eyes) because going to school for the 8 more years it would take to be a geneticist literally doesn't sound possible to me. About a week ago I had sort of an expedited nervous breakdown where I just layed in bed for 2 days and only got up to pee and after that I feel like a different person. Less motivated (didn't think that was possible) more apathetic, basically I adopted a f*ck this attitude, which is not okay in my family. I found out that I could graduate highschool at the end of next year instead of in 2019 and doing that and working so menial office job sounds so appealing to me, but I know it will make me feel worse. I don't really want advice, I just wanted to vent out to a group of non-judgmental people. Life just kinda sucks right now.

[Always *]

Hey I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

How long has your psychiatrist not been answering your calls? Is it possible that they are out of town? If so, you could try calling again. If it is for another reason, I'd call again, get an explanation and ask to be referred to a colleague. It sounds like your depression is pretty severe and it's obviously not ok for your psychiatrist to leave you out to dry if you need his help. So, again, try to get a referral to a different person if they can no longer treat you - they should be able to take care of that OR at least tell your doctor what to prescribe you and why in the mean time.

Do you currently have a therapist? Maybe finding a new person (or the first person if you've never been) would be beneficial. I find that it's been really helpful for me. It might make a difference to couple meds with someone who can talk things out with you.

I know you've tried a lot of things, but do you exercise and eat healthy too? My problem is anxiety coupled with bouts of mild depression, but it can have the same affect when I can barely get out of bed when it gets bad and I find that exercising is really helpful. There are studies that show that it's good because the adrenaline boosts your mood. Adrenaline is an upper. I know it might sound like a stretch if your depression is really severe, I'm just hoping that maybe if you can access a few things like exercising then maybe it'll help relieve some of the symptoms enough to help you get through the day with more ease.

If you need to talk, you can PM me ok.