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Tabitha04 Offline
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Struggling - October 24th 2016, 03:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Struggling the last week or so.

In June I made a suicide attempt. Tried to drive car into lake. Spent a week in a crappy hospital.

Previously, I hospitalized myself for depression. Like, a few days prior to the attempt. Only problem was, I was in our local hospital psych unit. And I just got done interning there in May, for about a year. So my colleagues turned into my therapists. 2 of them, including my former supervisor, will no longer speak to me. "Professional boundaries." I'm not angry with them. Angry with myself, for thinking it would be a good idea to hospitalize myself there.

Sometimes I'm really pissed that my attempt didn't work. Other times I feel grateful. I have nightmares almost every night, whether it's about the attempt or my time in the 2 different hospitals. I failed myself and I failed them.

My recovery is limited. My mom has narcissistic traits and has raged at me a few times since then. It messes with my brain. I've been in therapy for years, and also have a psychiatrist. I also work as a counselor, and try very hard to help my clients.

I failed myself, I failed my family, and I failed my internship supervisor and colleagues and it's TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH. Days like this, I truly hate myself.
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Re: Struggling - October 24th 2016, 02:31 PM


Thank you for reaching out to us here at Teenhelp!

I'm sorry you are going through a rough week and I can see that it's really hard for you. I want to start by telling you that you're not a failure in any way. In fact I think you are the opposite. Look at how bad you are feeling but you're still around and you're reaching out for help and fighting and that shows a lot about you as a person and I think it is amazing and inspiring so be proud of yourself for that!

Do you have a diagnosis? I am just wondering because often if you have a certain diagnosis (although I don't like them because some people believe it is labeling a person) then there may be a certain treatment which is normally used for that diagnosis. For example, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and because of this diagnosis, I went to rehab for about 18 months on a specialist ward for women with BPD for treatment for DBT which I found really helpful. So you say you have been in therapy for years, but has it always been along the lines of the same kind of therapy? Because maybe now is a good time to change the route you have been going down and coming up with new idea's with your therapists to see what else you can do to help instead.

I also don't know if this is all an constant on going thing for you. I know for me I have struggled for thirteen years so I now have a really good support network in place and I am thinking this might be beneficial for you too. So not just have a therapist to rely on but have them, a friend, a family member, a doctor, a counselor, a tutor from college etc and so on and you can even include is in that support network because then if you are in crisis at that one person is not available etc then you have several other people you can go to as well. So it means you won't ever have to struggle feeling like this by yourself.

I know sometimes death seems the best way out but it isn't. These feelings won't last forever because like I always say, nothing in the world lasts forever. You have a life ahead of you and it can be a nice, happy and bright life but you've just got to fight a bit harder to get there compared to some people. You deserve life. I have seen you around since you became a member and I think you are a lovely and kind person. Take some of your own advice and apply it to yourself. Maybe now is the time to be selfish which is absolutely okay because you need to look after number one too, which is YOU. You are the priority at the moment. Take some time out for you and do things which help you and focus on the future, make plans and do nice things even stuff like having a really good bubble bath and a good soak. Taking time our for ourselves can be really helpful.

Remember we're always here if you need anything at all. Whether it's to rant, talk about how you are feeling or what is going on or even if it is for distraction. We're here. You are NEVER alone in this. And believe in yourself. We believe in you.

Hope and wishes

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Struggling - October 25th 2016, 02:46 AM

I have major depressive disorder, moderate, recurrent. Diagnosed at age 15. However, therapy didn't start for me until my junior year of college. I got some therapy as an adolescent...however, my parents didn't see the necessity so I had to wait until I was older, to seek it on my own. Right now I am only going once a month....but may need to up that, due to my recent attempt.

I do have a support system of several friends, but I don't feel comfortable speaking to my parents (mainly mom) about my mental health, due to backlash in the past. I also do have a few hobbies.

It's the guilt that's eating me alive. The guilt that I lost the support of my former supervisor and other therapists because I was stupid enough to hospitalize myself there. I feel an emptiness. I wanted to tell her all about my journey to licensing. I miss them all so very much, and I won't ever ever forgive myself for my attempt. I get nightmares about the attempt or about being in the hospital and sometimes wake up crying, saying how sorry I am. I really am sorry.
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