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Glass Slipper Offline
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Unintentianally trying to kill myself? - March 10th 2017, 06:19 AM

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So I think I may be unintentionally trying to kill myself. I have no clue if this makes sense at all.

I am starving myself, and cutting like crazy my whole upper leg is covered in cuts. I am not satisfied, I have cut over cuts and everything. I am just so damn exhausted.

I hit a breaking point two days ago.My grandpa was being an ass like usually and mentally and verbally abusing me. It hit me that I will never be good enough for him. he is always going to resent me, and put me down. I guess it's better than him not speaking to me at all like he does with his daughters.

I have dealt with the abuse from him most of my life. I am so used to it, people may think that I deserve more than that, but I have been kicked down so many times that I truly believe that is what I am worth and deserve.

I honestly don't want to die, but if I happen to end up killing myself on accident, or was told that I have injuries so sever that I more than likely wont live until the next day, I would be relieved.

I feel like I am unintentionally trying to kill myself because I don't give a shit about starving myself, and cutting myself, I just don't care. I am trying to cut deeper and deeper. I push harder and harder but it wont go deeper. Another reason is I know I probably need help but I will not go to the ER on my own. I am going to wait until the cops are called on me or school calls the crisis team and they deam me as a danger to myself before I get the help.

I was talking to Dapples today and I was kind of hinting that I was unsafe and didn't trust myself, and told her the only way I would get help is if someone calls the police. So I think I was kind of hinting I wanted help but IDK.

Does any of this make any sense?
I am going to talk to Britney either tomorrow(friday 3/10/16) or Monday(3/13/17) and see what I want to do. I might let it slip that I am not safe, and wouldn't mind killing myself. Because part of me does want them help, but the other part really wants to stay in school and continue. So I don't fucking now what I am going to do.

It's almost like I am testing people to see who really care enough about me to make the call that I might be a danger to myself, and call someone who can help.

Does any of this make any sense?

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del677 Offline
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Re: Unintentianally trying to kill myself? - March 10th 2017, 08:36 AM

Sorry you are feeling so bad. And sorry your grandpa treats you poorly. (Sounds like even worse than poorly! He must have issues of his own.)

Sounds like a severe depression. Not eating is one symptom. Cutting is definitely another symptom. (For people who don't understand, just say, "Imagine feeling so bad that cutting actually feels good.")

Have you seen a psychiatrist doctor and tried some antidepressant medication? That's really the way to go, from my experience at least. That at least fixed me enough that I could then apply the other fixes, such as meditation, yoga, support groups, etc., things that help fine tune my wellness. But I really need the medication. Whenever I stop it, I go downhill. Then whenever I restart it, my mood slowly improves again until I'm well again.

Oh, and not having a grandpa who yells at you all the time. That can be just downright damaging if you don't have a supportive friend who can counter all that negative talk.

Any doctor can at least get you started on an antidepressant medication. It doesn't have to be a psychiatrist. They can refer you to one, and maybe help get you in to see one.
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