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s797 Offline
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help. advice please - September 9th 2017, 05:23 AM

I have had bad depression for most of my life and while I was at a low point I found comfort in someone I shouldn't have and made a big mistake. I got close to a good guy friend and we realized we had feelings for eachother. He had a girlfriend and I tried to distance it but we ended up acting on the feelings. It's been months since it stopped but I can't forgive myself. I hate myself so much. I know I am awful and I know there is no excuse for what I did. But I can't get away from the feeling, its eating me. I don't feel like I deserve anything or that I will ever be able to forgive myself. I don't want to be here. How can you forgive yourself and begin to make progress on your mental health. I don't know what to do
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Re: help. advice please - September 9th 2017, 06:29 AM

That's the depression talking.

I get depressed, everything seems bad, my past seems like and endless never-ending stream of disasters and mistakes and errors and I'm a bad person and everyone would be happier without me (which I'm told isn't true but that's how I feel).

Then I recover and it's like the whole world changes, which is weird, because I'm pretty sure the world didn't change, I'm pretty sure it's just me.

(The problem isn't with the picture, the problem is with the camera.)

I've been up and down that roller coaster for so long.

I've learned a lot of life we have backwards.

We think, "If only <something problem> were fixed, then I'll be happy." And I'm now pretty sure it actually works the other way around: "When I'm happy, then <something problem> isn't a problem anymore."

So when you get out of your depression, then your <something problem> won't be a problem anymore.

I know it's weird because there's no way I can think my way out of <something problem> when I'm depressed. It's logically unfixable. No amount of logic can fix it. math can't fix it, logic can't fix it, rational thinking can't find a solution.

Then eventually sometime later I'm not depressed anymore, and I discover <something problem> isn't a problem anymore. It was never a logical rational problem in the first place; it was an emotional problem.

There were actually 2 problems: There was the problem itself, and then there was my emotional reaction to the problem.

The problem itself wasn't actually my problem, my problem was I was having an emotional reaction to the problem. I couldn't fix that emotional reaction while I was depressed. Depression fucks up my emotions. (Sorry, can I say that? Well depression is bad enough it deserves that word. Depression is just totally F***ed up.)

Then my depression goes way, (whatever fixes it: doctors, medicine, exercise, supportive friends, yoga, meditation, sunlight, support groups,... Pretty much medicine was the key for me, though it took a long time to find the right one. A lot of them didn't do anything for me.) The depression goes away, and very strange, so does <something problem>.

And that's the solution.

Quite understandable that someone very depressed would seek comfort in any way possible. I certainly would (and have). People who understand care about you a lot more than you know.

Best wishes. Hope you feel better soon. Hope you can see your doctor. It's likely a medical problem. Any good doctor should immediately recognize it and start treating it. I know it doesn't seem like a medical problem. Only in hindsight, or other people who are familiar with these disorders can probably recognize it easier.
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Re: help. advice please - September 9th 2017, 07:50 PM


I can relate to what you're going through.
A few years back when I was extremely depressed a guy friend and I got really close, he also had a girlfriend.
I went home with him for the summer because I didn't want to go home, and things happened.
For the longest time I also beat myself up, but I realized that what happened had happened, and yes it was a poor choice on both of our parts but if I didn't forgive myself I wouldn't get better.

We all make mistakes.
Feelings are hard to dismiss.
You have to forgive yourself and realize that you are still a good person and worthy.
Depression makes us feel like we are less than, but no that you are not.
You are more than enough.
It'll be okay. <3
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