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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Chaotic_ Offline
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A Letter To My Counselor, Advice? - October 5th 2017, 07:22 PM

So I wrote this letter to my counselor, I haven't sent it yet, mostly out of fear and judgement. I'm also not sure if I need to re-word that part about suicide or not. I don't want him to think that I'm actively suicidal and a danger to myself, I just want to explain the intrusive thoughts that still don't leave me alone. This happens a couple of times a week, and it's a bit frustrating.



Any feedback it appreciated.

And if there's any part that I would get in "trouble" for, it'd be great if you could let me know:





So Iím not sure what really clicked this session but I finally feel like I can fully trust you and that you genuinely care and with that, I feel like thereís more I need to get out there because Iím not always the more forthcoming about everything, a lot of that stems from it feels really ridiculous or stupid, or itís embarrassing to talk about.

I've been having issues with intrusive suicidal thoughts, which I know we briefly touched on. I made the deal with myself that I'm not allowed to even think about doing anything unless I cut ( I know that is super not healthy ) and IF I cut I have to tell you that I did so, I donít know why thatís the deal but I partially believe itís because I know that I donít want to actually hurt myself, and I donít want to disappoint you or anyone else for that matter. Even though it isnít extremely healthy, I think the positive here is that I actually for the first-time care enough about myself versus just not doing things for the sake of others.

With that being said my urges to cut are off and on. More on than I'm used to be. Though I have been able to combat it, obviously being clean for over three years, it would be awful to give that up. A lot of the grounding exercises and distraction methods help with it, but itís still something I canít outrun. We haven't chatted a lot about that as it makes me feel vulnerable, but I want to talk about it because I need to learn to be vulnerable again, and honestly right now youíre the safest person I can think of. I need to practice vulnerability and I would like to start with you, if thatís okay.

I feel like this part sounds incredibly stupid and ridiculous but for me part of being vulnerable is being able to let my emotions show, and honestly a big way for me to do that is crying, but I canít. I canít do that in front of people, even the people Iím closet too. So I just hold that all in, but I donít want to have to hold everything in anymore.

Lastly along with my depression and anxiety, I have these really strange things I avoid nobody know's this besides my fiancť. Itís literally something that I have been putting off for the longest because itís the most embarrassing and ridiculous things, and I know thatís itís basically OCD behaviors, but I still donít like but since Iím trying this whole ďvulnerabilityĒ thing I might as well put it all out there. Certain things scare me, and if I do certain things or see certain things I am convinced something bad will happen to me or someone I care about. For instance, I can't see the numbers 9 and 11 together, it makes me think something bad is going to happen. Which sucks because I live in apartment 9 and right under that is 11 so I always have to block looking at those numbers before leaving my apartment and it's ridiculous and dumb. Time wise if I see it, I have to look away, and look back at a different time a certain amount of times or something is bad going to happen. The number 13 scares me. I avoid ending anything in ER even if that means having to write said word backwards, or else I think someone or myself will end up in the emergency room. I avoid the color blue for the most part. I literally will hop over the blue handicap lines in parking lots, and I freak if I touch them. This is literally just the basics it doesn't dreadfully impact my life but I figure in order to fully overcome everything I have to be fully honest, and if Iím not fully honest with you, you canít fully help me, help myself.
   
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Re: A Letter To My Counselor, Advice? - October 6th 2017, 06:27 AM

Excellent. Will you be seeing your counselor again soon I hope?

My suggestion is hold on to this letter and bring it with you next time you see your counselor. You can read it to him/her (sorry I forget which it is) at your next meeting.

It may also be interesting to see if your feelings and thoughts change between now and when you next see him.

Plus it gives him a chance to reply when you're right there.

I'm glad you are thinking about these things and writing down your thoughts and feelings. That's a good sign.

Do you write in a journal? It's an idea. Another possibility is to have a pen pal you write to whom you can tell these things to. Sorry don't know anyone off hand, but I've used other people for this purpose in the past. I'll write to them what I'm feeling and thinking, knowing that my thoughts are a bit screwed up, and knowing that they'll understand (or at least hoping they will). Something cathartic about writing when I know someone is going to read it.

Best wishes!
   
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