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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cheesii Offline
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Afraid for a friend - December 4th 2018, 01:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So basically, two friends of mine dont talk to each other anymore.

My one friend... lets call her Mari... and the other, lets call him Jared dont get along anymore. Because Jared likes Mari, and she's turned him down multiple times and is fed up with it. It led to her trying it out but then breaking up with him. He got pissed and thought that a friend of Mari made her breakup with him... etc.. She got pissed cause he was going to go after all of her friends....

Jared has apologized and Mari wants nothing to do with him anymore.
Jared wants to go back to before the whole drama happened...

Jared has a history of suicidal behavior.
He's threatened to do it before when Mari turned him down abt a year ago.... Mari and I did something about it and got him help

Now to what Im worried about...

Mari and some of her friends have decided to kick him out from their lunch table tomorrow,and im worried about what Jared might do. ( I dont have lunch with them tomorrow)

As far as I know he has no other friends that are in that lunch with him. Im afraid that being pushed away will trigger him. Im not sure what to do.

Last edited by Cheesii; December 4th 2018 at 01:17 AM. Reason: clarity
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 4th 2018, 01:18 AM

You need to sit down with Mari and talk about the severe consequences that could come about from this drama with Jared. It is not worth someone harming themselves over being blocked especially after Jared has apologized and seems to have moved on from the drama. There is no need to continue with the drama. You need to step in with Mari before this gets out of hand. Hope this helps.
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 01:39 AM

I actually disagree with the above poster.

No one is EVER obligated to accept an apology, even one offered in good faith. It sounds like Jared really hurt Mari. Her feelings are valid, and she doesn't have to accept his apology for any reason, even if he threatens self-harm or suicide as a result. Threatening suicide when someone won't go out with you or does something you otherwise don't like is a form of emotional abuse. It sounds like Jared hasn't been a very good friend.

It is unfortunate he doesn't have anyone to sit with during that lunch time, but I would encourage him to make other friends rather than focusing on his infatuation. Are there clubs that meet during lunch time? Could he join a club or social group in general and maybe make more friends? Can he spend his time reading in the library or working on his studies? He needs to find more things to fulfill himself than just Mari, and he needs to continue to seek help for his mental health issues during this trying time.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need anything else.


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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 02:12 AM

@Noire so what you are saying is what Mari is suggesting with her friends to do by kicking Jared out from the lunch table is perfectly fine after all he wants to do is apologize and end the drama and move on from the situation? It sounds to me like Mari wants to keep this drama going and bully at bit by kicking him from the lunch table.

I agree with you that Mari doesn't have to accept Jared's apology, but if she don't then just move on from the situation without having to kick him from the lunch table.
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 08:23 AM

Hey,
I am sorry you are caught in the middle of this.


It seems like Mari just wants all of this drama to end, and since she sits with her friends at the lunch table I can guess some of those people are the ones Jared was going to go after. It also seems like Jared won't stop bugging her about it and keeps apologizing hoping she will forgive him, if anything that seems like he is keeping the drama going. SO if your friends want to kick him from their lunch table to try and end the drama they have every right to do that. Mari has every right to be upset with him as well and not want to continue the friendship. She also doesn't need to accept his apology.

Jared has a right to feel hurt that they kicked him out from their lunch table, but he DOESN't have a right to threaten to kill himself or harm him self. That his him trying to manipulate the situation so he gets what he wants...and like Jordan said can be viewed as a forum of emotional abuse. Sounds like he actually needs help on how to deal with things not going his way in a healthy way.

You say you don't think he has anyone else to sit with at lunch time, maybe he can use this opportunity to make new friends. He can start by join a club or two and forum friendships that way, or get to know people from his classes.

As far as you being worried about him, I would talk to him and see how he is feeling and encourage him to see the school councilor so they can help him deal with this situation and give him suggestions on how to make friends. I would also advice him not to dwell on this situation and for him to move on.

I really hope this has helped even though it is three days after you posted.

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Last edited by Oh, Bother; December 6th 2018 at 08:30 AM. Reason: adding content
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 04:10 PM

Actually, Melody, I agree with Jordan (Noire).
The issue I see here is that Jared has a history of toxic behaviour; threatening suicide because a girl rejected him, badgering her to date him despite the fact she said no, until she relents because of the endless badgering and then threatening to go after her friends when it doesn't work out?! Because, wow, that's a lot. I know I sure as hell wouldn't want to be friends with someone after that.

The fact that he's mentally ill does mean that maybe he deserves more compassion than someone who's more stable and has a higher capacity for emotional regulation and not allowing their pain to destroy their relationships, but nonetheless, it is what it is. Of course, I think he needs help, he probably needs a therapist, some meds, support groups, and whatever else a qualified therapist feels are appropriate.

But at the the same time, it sounds like Mari has been in a difficult position for over a year and this was the final straw. It's not bullying or prolonging the drama to say "I want nothing to do with you because of your repetitive negative actions towards me that are interfering with my wellbeing, and my friends don't want to hang out with someone who's going to threaten to go after them because I rejected him either so please leave us alone". It's simply saying that his behaviour has had such a negative affect on all of them that they no longer wish to spend time with him presently.

No one is obligated to accept an apology if they don't feel like theres been enough of an effort to actually improve or demonstrate why that shit won't happen again. They aren't responsible for his actions. They aren't responsible for his depression or suicidal thoughts and they shouldn't have to keep putting up with his toxic behaviour (e.g. harassing your friend, threatening to go after her friends in revenge, threatening suicide for rejecting him) because being mentally ill doesn't give you a free pass to treat other people like shit and expect people to let you get away with it because they're afraid of what you'll do if they can't handle your behaviour any more.

I know that sounds harsh, and I don't think any of you should just cast him into the wind and not care if he tries to die by suicide -- not tolerating his toxic behaviour is not the same thing as skipping out and not making sure that he's ok. Despite the fact your friend doesn't want to see him because you guys presumably still have compassion for him and an investment in seeing him being healthier someday and having a capacity to have a healthy reciprocal relationship with the group For example, if you don't have a problem with him (e.g. you know what he did was wrong, but you're still willing to be in his life) you can reach out and let him know he's still got people in his corner and hopefully you can act as a bridge to help him accept that threats = toxicity, help him access support groups and therapy and stuff so he can work on his mental health. Keep an eye on him and call emergency services if you think he's in danger.
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 04:50 PM

The only key statement that I see that kind of disputes what everyone is saying about Jared is when the original poster posts that Jared just wants to go back to before the whole drama happened. If this is the case why can't Mari and her friends see that and go back to before all this started and start a new, but instead they choose to kick him from the lunch table.

I agree with everyone here on everything else. I just don't get that point in that one situation.
   
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Re: Afraid for a friend - December 6th 2018, 10:35 PM

I agree with Latte and Noire. The OP and her friends are under no obligation to welcome Jared back into their group. He has exhibited toxic behavior, such as threatening suicide when someone doesn't want to go out with him. I don't doubt that he has mental health issues, and he needs to utilize the resources he has available such as the school counselor or a trusted adult. He needs more help than the OP and her friends can give Jared.

But, Latte does bring up a very good point as well. While I don't think that OP and her friends should welcome Jared back into their group, the OP at least (Mari is under no obligation) should do a wellness check on Jared instead of shutting him out completely. After all, the OP seems like she is genuinely concerned about Jared, but for the wrong reasons if that makes sense.

OP, I would suggest talking to Jared and having him utilize any mental health support system the school has availble. He needs more help than you can give him.

All the best.
   
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