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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Romulus Offline
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I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 09:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I tried to start over... I even left this site... I started anew... and it all collapsed worse than before. Now I'm completley alone. I lost everything that was important to me... I failed.

Even trying to kill myself I failed. I actually tried the other night and failed and ended up miserable because the attempt just made me sick instead of freeing me.

I know I want to try again... I'm so tired... I just want to rest from the pain... I just...

I need help...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 02:42 PM

Hey Ryan,
I know from past experience how hard it is to leave a site like this. It can be the only thing holding us together sometimes, and it's hard to make that step to 'let go', but you were amazing to do that. Also trying to start over was a great step in the right direction, but sometimes it doesn't go quite like we plan it, right?
No matter what you think, you aren't alone. You've always got me and everyone here at TH to help and support you, so you can retry recovering and starting a new. You haven't failed anything, I promise. It's just not quite the right time to start a fresh for you, and that okay, I mean, we're only human.
Please stay strong, although don't completely I understand how you're feeling, I have some idea because you've tried to end your own life. Please, don't try that again. I know I'm going to sound so hypocritical now but you've so much to live for, and I'm so glad you failed. I make good judgements and I'd say you're such a nice person, you're just struggling, right? If you're feeling unsafe then is there any way you could get some help? From a doctor, support team or even try ringing a helpline? I know its hard telling them but even family and friends are there to support you, because they only want the best.
I hope this ramble helps in some way...
Stay strong and Take care x
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 02:45 PM

I know how hard it is to start a new, I'm trying aswell it's just a constant up hill battle right? There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep fighting. Can you get any help from someone at school etc? I'll be about if you want to talk.


You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 05:21 PM

Hey Ryan,

I think the most important thing here is that you tried to have a fresh start and change things for yourself. That is a big step to take. It might not have worked but it is the fact you tried that matters. You haven't failed at all so don't think that. It might not work first time so you have to keep trying because eventually you will get where you want to be. You are never alone Ryan you always have everyone here to support you. If you ever need someone to talk to then my PM box is always open so never forget that. It is horrible being alone so remember that you never have to be. I am glad that you didn't manage to kill yourself, because things can get better for you. You might think right now that things will always be like this but you have to keep hanging on because things can change. Not everything stays the same forever as everything is constantly changing. I agree with what has already been suggested about talking to someone about how you are feeling. You deserve help and once you reach out for that help you deserve things can begin to change. Stay strong and don't give up :-)
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 09:56 PM

I cant get help. No friends and family has told me they dont care. I have no insurance so no doctors and I dont go to school.
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 3rd 2009, 11:09 PM

Hey there Ryan,

falling is not failing. Not getting back up afterwards is. I'm really proud of you for trying to make a fresh start - now you've just got more perspective to help you out in starting afresh again this time.

And I'm glad that you're still here - it's good to see you around again. (Though, obviously, not so good that you're not doing so good, but it's still nice to hear from you.)

At the very least, we care about you. LJ had some great advice about finding support - and you could always use a helpline to find counselor references. Not having insurance doesn't have to be a barrier; a therapist that I used to go to told me that she didn't want cost to be the reason I couldn't see her, so they'll definitely be willing to work with you on that.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime!


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I tried... - June 4th 2009, 04:27 AM

I can't get help... I can barely afford gas. I really don't want to keep going. I'm tired and I hurt...
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Re: I tried... - June 4th 2009, 04:51 AM

Hey Ryan,

I'm sorry that you're hurting Hmm... helplines can actually be helpful, and they don't require gas. Maybe try getting some sleep? I don't know what time it is where you are...

Hope you feel better. And know that we're not going anywhere it things do start looking up.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Romulus Offline
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Re: I tried... - June 4th 2009, 05:29 AM

I've slept a total of five hours in the last four days... And I've never called a helpline... they put me on hold and I get nervous and end up hanging up...
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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 4th 2009, 05:34 AM

Yeah, I've had that experience too with helplines. But I've found that besides the intitial ringing, HOPELINE (1-800-442-4673) actually doesn't typically put people on hold.

Eep! I would suggest getting some more sleep... which you probably already know... I just remember how it feels like I want to fall over onto the nearest soft object whenever I get really sleep-deprived


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 5th 2009, 07:29 AM

Im always sleep deprived... my mind just doesnt let me sleep...
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Re: I tried... - June 6th 2009, 05:02 AM

Well that sucks. Could you try breathing exercises or something? Focusing on that might override the mind-overdrive and help you get some sleep, which can be really helpful in terms of dealing with things.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 7th 2009, 06:41 AM

Those never work for me. My mind is always going... Even on the rare chance I doze off I have dreams about whats bothering me and I wake up an hour later feeling more tired and sore.

I can't keep this up...
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Re: I tried... - June 8th 2009, 07:04 AM

*hugs*

Ryan, hun, you can do this. I know that you can. Sometimes forcing your mind, then, not to "not think" but think about something completely unrelated can help. For like a year and a half I used to get night terrors like every night, too. But there are ways to deal with that. The "force of changing focus" thing worked... have you tried talking to your doctor at all about the sleeping issues?

Hang in there, Ryan. I'll be thinking of you.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#15 (permalink)) Old
Romulus Offline
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Re: I tried... - June 9th 2009, 06:07 AM

I dont have a doctor... I cant afford one... And I can never seem to force my mind onto something else... it always go back...
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  (#16 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I tried... - June 16th 2009, 06:05 AM

Hey Ryan,

sorry about the delay - I didn't have computer access for a while. Teaching yourself how to deliberately focus on something can be hard. Yeah, your mind will want to keep going back, but you have to keep practicing not looking back but keeping focused on what you'd rather be thinking about right then.

Hmm... is there any sort of clinic you could go to?


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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