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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Karina Offline
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Name: Karina E.P.
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Exclamation Difficult - June 4th 2009, 05:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

The term "self-mutilation" frightens me. The word is much too real. And yet it is something I have recently gotten into doing.

[Please, hear me out for a sec, but this is hard for me to share. Only because I have these... what do people call them... "walls" (?) and I like them. In the environment I have grown up in, keeping to myself has seemed like the best option. So... sharing is difficult.]

I've done some crazy s*** in my life, I have many regrets, but I never snapped. I wore the smile, had the happy-go-lucky attitude... Life for me used to be simple. Maybe because I was too young or naive to care, who knows? When I turned 12, my health went downhill. Eh, I didn't worry too much. When I turned 13, I really started to notice the constant fighting surrounding me in my home. I became stressed and angry. This did not help my health issue.

2 weeks after my 14th birthday, I admitted to myself I was depressed. I barely ate, I avoided my parents, but I still didn't care enough to do something about it. I, personally, just thought it was a stage in my life and it would pass. A year and a half later, and I'm tired of feeling down and every other mucky feeling. So, I pull out a few beers and try to numb everything. Needless to say, it didn't work. One week ago, I get hit 7 times. The hits are not classified as a type of abuse but discipline. Verbal abuse is common in my surroundings. The words hurt more.

3 days ago, I was suffering the affects of my crappy health problem. Someone (I will not mention their name or their relationship to me) started yelling at me and accusing me of crap I didn't do or things I could've done better. I had enough of it and went to my bathroom, pulled out the iron, and burned my arm. 4 times, 4 burns, each one replacing the emotional pain with the physical.

It sickens me to say I felt relief.
It frightens me to say I lack the will power to stop.
It's like I can't stop.

I am not someone who will commit suicide (I did attempt once, but that's another story). The unknown of what will happen after terrifies me and I love my family and friends too much to have them grieve over my stupidity of such an act. But, I am someone who will escape the emotional pain if needed.

I probably should have just started out with this: I need help. Don't give me advice, I have enough to last me a lifetime. If you feel the need to put in your input, give me guidance.

Sorry for the long a** story. I thought it might explain my problem better.
Also, for those of you who are reading/commenting, thank you.
   
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Re: Difficult - June 4th 2009, 05:29 AM

Hi Karina,

first off, I'm really proud of you for sharing all that's been going on with us. I know how tough that can be, and it's really great that you were able to tell us all that.

I understand how much verbal abuse can hurt - similar situation. In terms of guidance, I'd say that finding other ways to escape the emotional pain besides hurting yourself would be a good idea. When everything hurts, you deserve to be at least one person being good to yourself instead. In the self-harm forum, there are a bunch of ideas in one of the threads near the top, and typically anything that you like doing that might distract you - writing, drawing, stuff like that which is a different sort of replacement/outlet - can help. And you can stop self-harming. The fact that you're worried about what's going on definitely says something about your perseverance, particularly of your sense of self-preservation.

So hang in there

And in terms of getting help... is there a school counselor, another relative, friend's parent, someone like that you could maybe tell what's been going on? They might be able to help work out something that'll address the root of the problem in terms of your situation.

And any time you want to rant, talk, or just need as close to a hug as you can get through type plus about a gagillion smileys sent to you, we're here.

And hey, feel free to PM me anytime


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Karina Offline
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Re: Difficult - June 4th 2009, 05:42 AM

After posting this, I noticed the self-harm thread. I'm wondering if I should have posted this there instead...

Thank you for the suggestions. I do write... the reminder that it is an outlet helps. As far as seeing a counselor... I think that's what scares me the most. Talking about my problems is ok, it's when I've found out I've said too much that's the issue. I suppose I need to open up more, better yet, learn to lean on someone. I just- I value my independence. Anyone/anything that threatens that part of me, just scares the living daylights out of me.

It's a learning process. I'm trying.

Thanks for the reassurance that there are people to help. I'm glad I've finally got some things off my chest now. This is a new type of relief I'm feeling, a good type.


Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends, and preserves. It's eternal goal is life.

Smiley Blanton
   
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dancer Offline
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Re: Difficult - June 4th 2009, 05:52 AM

Glad to have helped some! I'm really happy that you've found a new, good type of relief

Life is definitely a learning process! And I think trying is ultimately what get's us through the lessons alright.

I think the independence thing was partly why it took me so long to finally even give anyone an inkling of what was going on. But I've found that being independent doesn't mean being alone. It takes strength to reach out rather than just keep your hand right where it is. There's self-assertion in speaking up. And a line from a song that I really like (I've found that I tend to hear songs on the radio and end up liking with often without ever actually finding out the name or artist of the song, so sorry about the vagueness...) says "it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say."

Hang in there. We're always here for ya


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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