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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
live.laugh.love
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Name: cassieee.
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why does everything have to be... - June 5th 2009, 05:35 AM

my fault.
everything, I can't go through one day without getting yelled at by somebody. Not one. I try to hold it together but I can only take so much before it all gets to me. Everybody tells me just don't listen to it. But how can I not!?! I've tried. Like, everybody can find something to pick on me for. Like for instance, my mom was like "if it weren't for your ____" we'd have a (insert amount here) more money. Does she ever get on my sister or anybody the way she get's on me !? NO. Why because my sister freaks out and goes off onto her little tangents. I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I mean, for crying out loud, my sister is 25, has NO job, her, her husband who is 35, and my neice LIVE WITH US, THEY HAVE NO JOB, THEY SLEEP ALL DAY, WHILE I WATCH THEIR KID. AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CRAP! Why can't somebody get on them?!

But they treat me like crap too.
and all I want to do is scream and leave but I can't do that either. I have one more year and I can move out, one year. But that is soooo long. I mean, maybe I'm going crazy and I don't know. I just wish this emotional pain would stop, I can only make it better for so long then it comes back. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of everything. I can't talk it out, I'm afraid to trust people now, I'm scared. Because I think that if I let somebody in they are going to hurt me, so I try to keep people at a distance and when they do get close I do every possible thing to make them hate me. It hasn't been working so much anymore, since now I have like a gazillion people who swear they love me. But I don't feel loved. I don't feel cared about. I just, I want, I don't know what I want... I'm losing control. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know what to do ) : and I try to go out with my friends but half of the time my parents so NO like they don't trust me, and I haven't given them a reason not too. My sister did. Now it's like her mistakes are my mistakes and I have to be the one to pay for them. We're two different people but that doesn't matter to them! It's always been about her since she was like 15. Which would have made me 7. SO, basically, my feelings have been getting left out and I have been around chaos since I was seven, is that NOT supposed to have no affect on me?! I don't know anymore, I just don't know.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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dancer Offline
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Re: why does everything have to be... - June 5th 2009, 06:03 AM

Hey Cassie,

*hugs*

I'm so sorry that things are feeling so tough right now I understand what that feels like - I'm currently walking on eggshells trying to avoid explosions, too. But please know that things are NOT your fault. Not at all. In fact, you've done quite a lot to try to help. You should be really proud of yourself.

I know how hard it can be not to listen. Sometimes, there's the actual physical blocking out with blaring music through headphones. Other times, whenever something someone's said has got you down, you could maybe try writing a "personal declaration" - reminding yourself why you matter and why you're awesome and whatnot - or a sort of "personal refutation" - mostly just a written rant, I guess, in which you tell (on paper) the other person why they're wrong about what they said - which can be helpful for you to hear, as well.

I know one year can feel like forever. But I promise, time will keep flowing, and you will get through the year.

I can definitely understand not letting people in and not feeling cared about when those closest to you or at least those whom you're most around don't seem to act that way. But please try to keep remembering that not everyone will treat you the same way the people in your home dynamic do. Yeah, it's a giant leap, letting people in - but when you do, they can help hold up the rest of the fortress to keep the hurt, rather than the potential healing, out.

And we're always here, too. We will always care about you.

Hang in there, hun. And feel free to PM me anytime!


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: why does everything have to be... - June 5th 2009, 05:11 PM

hey hun, do you know why your parents treat you like that over your sis? maybe you can try talking to them about it? because i believe that you deserve an answer...
i know it's hard, and it's even harder when you've to put up with this shit for so long.. but hey, pray to God to guide you through this.. and i really hope that you would emerge from this ordeal stronger than ever. (:
i guess it's easier to feel like you can trust no one anymore, but sometimes, you've to take a small leap of faith in that, coz there're still trustworthy people out there. but if you can't find it in yourself to do it, it's ok... try ranting on TH first, and maybe find a counsellor/ trusted adult/ teacher to talk to?
don't give up! and rmb that you can't change your circumstances but you can change the way you react to them and the way you feel about them. it's true that how your parents treated you since 7 will affect you, but you can choose to put that aside, and craft out your new route to freedom from them, in mind and in soul (if you still can't move out).
listen to me hun, you'll struggle in life, but you'll struggle through powerfully for God has you in His hands. (:
Isaiah 55:8-9 (haha verse for u...)



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
live.laugh.love
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Re: why does everything have to be... - June 6th 2009, 04:40 AM

It's just really getting to me a lot lately. Like I went out with a couple friends tonight and you know I was happy and I felt complete. Then I come home and I step in the door and I feel sort of an empty incomplete feeling. Like it literally, it hurt. I'm missing something here, there is something missing that should be here, that I receive elsewhere. Just not here. I don't know why either. It's so weird. Like, the only time I get super depressed is when I am like home. If I'm out with friends, or at church or even taking my dog for a walk, I feel, something different. BUt the moment I step foot in my house, I feel so "lost," "numb," like I'm not good enough. I think it's partially because I am soooo different from my family, I don't know if they really accept that or not. They try too but I don't know if deep down they like who I am becoming. But I like who I am and I don't want to change, I don't want to be like them but if I mentioned that, it would either really hurt them or make them mad. Everything seems to make them mad though, like if I want to go out and do my own thing it's like "well, why" or if I become close to people they get all leary. and i think that is where a lot of my trust problems come from... because they basically closed me off until they couldn't anymore. so now, i'm like terrified of people and stuff. i love my family but sometimes, I don't know, I don't feel the same love and apprecitaion... and that has always been my biggest problems with my depression, you know.

idk anymore.
i really don't.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: why does everything have to be... - June 6th 2009, 05:25 AM

Hi Cassie,

*hugs* I can definitely relate to how you feel. There's a line from a poem I once read that mentioned something about "fearing the chronic angers of the house." Sometimes I think things are kind of like that - for me, it's sort of like having to be constantly at-attention.

But hey, you definitely are always good enough. Don't let others' bad feelings trample you. I'm so glad that you're happy with who you are, and you definitely should be! Your opinion of yourself is the one that matters, so keep hanging on to that.

Anyway to keep reminders - pictures of friends, stuff like that - of where/when/by whom you feel loved around the house, even if just out in your room or something, to help you remember that you can find a sense of security and belonging, that you are loved?

Hang in there, hun


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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