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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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ElToroLoco Offline
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social failure leads to suicidal thoughts - June 8th 2009, 01:33 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Been trying to come out of my shell. Puttin myself, in more social situations. Actually making eye contact with people. But its always been one step forward, two steps back.
Guess the most recent downward spiral began after i got on skype with friends from here. I've known them, for quite a while now, i manage to have fun conversations with them. I get on skype, and im just silent. Nothing, cant think of anything funny to say, cant think on how to follow they conv they are having. I hanged up. twice.
After that, i started alienating them, got them mad at me then blocked them. Started doing that with half my msn friends, im not sure why, maybe i just get off on being an asshole. I didnt feel like talkin to people, but didnt feel like being alone. F*cking stupid conundrum
If i cant talk with friends that i've known for a while now. what are the chances of me being able to strike up conv with a stranger.
dont feel like i've changed, my conversational skill are still incredibly lacking. For the life of me , cannot think of what to say, my mind just goes completely blank, and im desperate to run away like a wuss.
Suicide is been on my mind constantly, but now im thinking specifics. the how to's.
Giving up wasnt an option for me, but no progress has me discouraged and incredibly depressed. I want to feel nothing. want for everything to be over. for me to no longer exist.




"I hate that my blood makes me crazy. I hate that I can't function without being chemically altered...
And inside I feel like tears are streaming down my cheeks. But they're not are they...
I'm so lost inside. I wish that i could get out. But I don't think I ever will..."
   
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Katrina Offline
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Re: social failure leads to suicidal thoughts - June 8th 2009, 01:51 AM

Yo, Javier.

Hey. One step forward, two steps back? Not always. [: Usually, it's sort of a "this looks like aforementioned negative one step, but really it's just me stumbling a bit before I regain my footing to make leaps and bounds." Now really, I know that's cheesy, but sometimes just thinking about it in a more positive light is half the battle.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure you don't enjoy being mean to people. (: In the time I've been around you [on the internet, hah], I'm guessing that you're not wanting to be mean, but rather you're a bit intimidated of letting people in, and you and others feel as though it comes off as rudeness. But...it's not. They just don't realize this.

Say whatever you're thinking during the conversation. Comment on the latest awesome thing that happened, or something ironic or something you just cracked up at. I dunno...practice makes perfect, I guess, so you might have push it a little at the beginning..but then hopefully you'll become more natural at opening up. Just don't straight up force yourself, okay?

Giving up still shouldn't be an option. You can do it. Take care, now. [:



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ElToroLoco Offline
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Re: social failure leads to suicidal thoughts - June 8th 2009, 05:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katrina View Post
Yo, Javier.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure you don't enjoy being mean to people. (: In the time I've been around you [on the internet, hah], I'm guessing that you're not wanting to be mean, but rather you're a bit intimidated of letting people in, and you and others feel as though it comes off as rudeness. But...it's not. They just don't realize this.
I dont think thats it. although its true that i do not let ppl in. I was deliberately engaging them in conversation, annoying them, to the point of them getting mad at me, so i had a excuse to erase them and block them from msn. I rationalized it as them not wanting to speak to me, is better than me not bein able to have normal conversations with them. Makes no sense, but in my idiotic brain, it does.




"I hate that my blood makes me crazy. I hate that I can't function without being chemically altered...
And inside I feel like tears are streaming down my cheeks. But they're not are they...
I'm so lost inside. I wish that i could get out. But I don't think I ever will..."
   
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Re: social failure leads to suicidal thoughts - June 19th 2009, 05:04 PM

it's kind of a way to avoid embarassment at the convos you feel like failed. i feel the same sometimes...


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Em... Offline
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Re: social failure leads to suicidal thoughts - June 19th 2009, 05:17 PM

Javier,

I get like that too. I find myself in such awful social situations and I just seem to make them worse.

As for the MSN thing and blocking your friends, what you could do is put it on invisible mode and then choose the people you want to talk with. Say like one at a time, this way you are not bombarded with many conversations at once.

You can work you way to being a bit more social. What you could also do it google conversation starters, I've done that it some work.

It's kinda like a routine you just have to get use to. Please don't think of suicide. That's not the right way to go. Please take of yourself hun. PM me anytime if you need help.
   
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