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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy its happening again. - June 26th 2009, 08:31 PM

I was doing better.


then a week ago, it started going downhill. I can barely sleep, and when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares. I think about suicide, and cutting constantly. I started cutting again four days ago.


I really don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know where to turn. I have a plan, I am ready to leave, I could die now. I think it'd be so much better for the people around me.


I am just so out of energy. I am in so much pain. It's like my mind is screaming. I may be happy for two mins, and then I get really depressed again. I am so scared, adnd confused, and over all of this.

I just want to leave.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 26th 2009, 09:47 PM

Hi Brittany

I was doing better.

Thats a fantastic statement to make & even better, you acknowlwdge that you were doing better.

then a week ago, it started going downhill. I can barely sleep, and when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares. I think about suicide, and cutting constantly. I started cutting again four days ago.

What happened a week ago that made you start to go downhill? Nightmares are a sign of discomfort, so what is discomforting you? Maybe before you go to sleep, have a bath, listen to relaxing music & put something like lavender on your pillow.

It sounds like you are having a relapse & to prevent it getting worse, I think you need to talk. You can talk to people on the site...or more conveniantly a relativer or counsellor.

Cutting yourself, although a coping mechanism, isnt a great thing to do....there are much better coping mechanisms. Write down your feelings, punch a pillow, breath steadily & in a rhythmic fashion. Tense then relax your muscles.


I really don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know where to turn. I have a plan, I am ready to leave, I could die now. I think it'd be so much better for the people around me.

I know you said you think you cant do it anymore. But you can. Your turning to TH for support. I think that with a positive attitude you can go & get help. Scrap your suicide plans....its not worth it....things will get better. If you are at rock bottom then things cant get much worse, therefore things will get better. You have something to look forward to in life, but you just dont see it yet.


I am just so out of energy. I am in so much pain. It's like my mind is screaming. I may be happy for two mins, and then I get really depressed again. I am so scared, adnd confused, and over all of this.

I think you would benefit from seeing a doctor......you shouldnt be depressed & scared. Thats not fair on you.

You deserve a whole lot better & you need to see someone who will understand why you are so confused






I just want to leave.

I think you are special, I also think you can pull through this aweful aweful time.

You desrve to live happily - give yourself a chance. & if you need to talk my inbox is open

Jamie
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Re: its happening again. - June 26th 2009, 10:06 PM

Hey Brittany,

*hugs*

hang in there, hun! It's awesome that you were doing better for a while! Was there anything in particular that helped brighten things up?

And... was there anything that was maybe triggering? I know that things can feel ridiculously impossible sometimes - but I promise, that's only sometimes. You can get out of the current emotional slump and back to doing well again - for longer, and possibly for good.

Have you tried talking to your youth group leader? Or a counselor might also be able to help figure out a plan to help get and keep things back on track.

Hang in there, hun.


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Re: its happening again. - June 27th 2009, 05:50 AM

I don't know. I can't think. I need to die, it's the only way. STOP telling me there are other ways. THERE ARE NOT. I have TRIED.


It doesn't work. I am so god damn sick of all of this.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 27th 2009, 12:02 PM

Hey Brittany,

I am so sorry you are feeling so cruddy at the moment. Do you know what is making you feel this way? If so maybe you could talk to someone about it? I know how hard talking can be but it can be helpful it might help you realize that there are other options out there or it might just make you feel a little tiny bit better.

Brittany, have you considered going to a therapist for this? I know that word might send all sorts of thoughts through your mind but a therapist could help. They teach you coping skills, give you someone understanding and competent to talk to and they are usually pretty cool. It could be something to consider.

I know right now it might seem like all your options have flown out the window but maybe that isn't true. Please don't give up! Consider going to a professional and telling him/her what you wrote here and they might be able to help you start feeling better and help you start feeling like life is worth living again.

Brittany, if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: its happening again. - June 27th 2009, 08:29 PM

Brittany,

there are always other ways, hun. We're not going to stop telling you, because it's not going to stop being true, and you're worth saying it over and over again for. And we're always here to help think of new ideas, new ways to approach what's going on. I don't think there can be a problem without there also being a solution. I feel like there's some law of nature that would violate or something.

Hang in there, hun.


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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 12:16 AM

Hi Brittany :]
I'm sorry you're not doing to well lately. I wonder what is making you feel this way once again? More often than not there is something really bugging us that causes us to feel the way that we do, even if it's not always obvious what the problem is. Is there anything in your life that has been bothering you lately that would cause you to feel this way? Any issues with family, friends, etc? I think that a lot of times when you can identify the exact source of the emotions that you are feeling it's a lot easier to deal with them the best that you can.

If you are thinking a lot about cutting, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to someone. Can you speak with a parent, or get in touch with a therapist? I know that speaking up is always a scary step, but if it can help you, it's worth it. You don't deserve to be feeling the way that you do, and maybe you would benefit from talking to someone about these emotions.

One of the strangest things about emotions, though, is that they come and go. Therefore, what you're feeling isn't going to last forever, and you are going to be able to get through this :] Try not to forget that not to long ago you were feeling good about your life and yourself, that way I am sure you will find it easier to keep on going.

If you ever need to talk you're always welcome to send a PM my way. Hang in there





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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 07:05 AM

I can't. nothings working. I can't hang in there.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 08:27 AM

Brittany,

If you believe that there is nothing left than you won't be able to see the light that is coming and it will be coming soon. Hold on! Talk to someone reach out. But, the truth is no one can help you if you don't let them know what is going on and you don't let them know how much pain you are in.


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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 09:38 AM

please don't be upset with me.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 04:05 PM

We're not upset with you.

We just don't like that you're hurting. Because we care about you, and it sucks when someone you care about hurts.

So, we're gonna help you get through that hurting. But we might be able to do that a little bit more if you could share what's been going on lately?

Hang in there. I'll be thinking of ya.

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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 04:37 PM

Brittany,

That is incredible that you were doing better. Try to remember what helped you get better the first time--are there certain factors that help you to make progress? The road to recovery is a long, steady process, and you have to be committed to the process to achieve results. You were doing better--you were recovering. But that doesn't mean you're fully healed. You've taken a big step, but you're not all the way there yet. Please, don't be discouraged because you're regressing--that's like taking two steps forward, and one step back. There will be times when you'll feel like you're not making progress, but the key is to fight your doubts with newfound strength instead of getting depressed all over again. If you can do that, then you are well on your way. You have been given a chance to face this head on. Don't give up. You're almost there, you've just got to fight for a little longer.

PM me anytime. Best of luck!,
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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 05:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainontheground View Post
I can't. nothings working. I can't hang in there.
But Brittany, there is obviously something that is keeping you here.
There is obviously something that kept you happy for quite some time before you started to feel this way again. You may be depressed now, but don't let those emotions cloud up your vision of what truly makes you happy in life. Because that is what you are here for, that is what you are fighting for. Every second that you're still here on this earth, you get that much closer to feeling happy once again. Depression might last months, or might last years - but regardless, still everyday you live is a day closer to living your life truly happy once again.

If you didn't have any kind of motivation, anything that was keeping you here, would you really be here any longer? Everyday, remind yourself of whatever it is that you are fighting for in life, why you are still here. You are here for a reason, just as we all are. I believe in you, and I believe that you are going to make it through this.





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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 09:36 PM

I just can't do it. I am so depressed. all my friends are leaving. my family hates me. I am an abomination in the eyes of God. I just freaking CANNOT anymore. I don't know what to do. I was happy, but I don't think it will ever get that way again. EVER. It's to difficult. It's to much. I give up.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 09:48 PM

Hey Brittany hun,

*hugs*

you are NOT an abomination in the eyes of God. Not at all.

You can do this. I'm sorry about your friends - but we always have the chance to make new ones. And what your family thinks sometimes just doesn't matter. They're being stupid, if they say they hate you. Ignore them until they wake up and start acting like family is supposed to.

I think the point is supposed to be that it is when things are darkest for us that we don't see a way out. But even then, there always is one. We'll find it. And sometimes, it really just does take waiting time out as things change and eventually do so for the better.

Have you tried telling someone how you've been feeling lately? Like your youth group leader, or a counselor? They might be able to help more directly start changing your situation for the better.

Hang in there <3


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Re: its happening again. - June 28th 2009, 10:11 PM

I am not telling anyone else. I DON'T want to lose anyone else. besides it doesn't really matter. I can't believe friends are gone. I cannot handle this. They are the only thing that really matters in my life. I just don't know what to do without them. It's to painful.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 04:42 AM

Hi Brittany,

*hugs tightly*

if you don't mind sharing, what happened with your friends? It's possible they're maybe just doing a weird "leave of absence" that some people occasionally go crazy and do in friendships, and then realize how weird they're being and come back around.

Telling someone doesn't mean that you'll lose them. When I was suicidal, I was afraid of telling two of my best friends, because I was afraid they'd be ashamed of me or something or just not want to handle me, so then I'd lose them. But that didn't happen. In fact, we're way closer than I think we ever would have been. Getting through trials together is supposed to be a part of friendship, a part of support.

You matter in your life. Always. And the things you believe, the things you want to do, and the people who you've still to meet who you'll matter a whole lot to and who will matter a bunch to you, too, they matter.

Hang in there <3


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:03 AM

well, I have almost stupid phases of suicidal thoughts.

the one I am in now, where its in my head constantly, but I am not freaking out.

and two, when I am freaking out.

I have been freaking out a lot, and when I do, I aim, or text friends. and it get's into a really negative conversation where they talk to me. normally it's one girl in particular. that conversation can be me saying a lot of things.

and it's just like. I feel so bad. I think they are gone. I dont REALLY know.

I am confused and just thinking about this is making me get to the freakout stage.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:20 AM

It's good that you reach out when you're feeling suicidal, but the negative conversations aren't so good. You need positive support at those times. You could try calling a helpline, like Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE), instead. Yeah, they may be strangers, but they do listen and get to know you and treat you like a person rather than some case story on the other end of a phone. And the conversation typically becomes positive, which is really nice.

What can you do to take your mind off of things right now in a healthy way, then? Something to help you calm down and get your thoughts settled back in control? Like watching a movie, reading, listening to music, anything like that? It might be good to have a plan for what you can do to help prevent yourself from moving into the freakout stage when you notice that you're starting to go there.

Hang in there.


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:25 AM

Hey Brittany,

I wanted to apologize to you because I did not mean to sound like I was upset with you. You just seemed so upset and I wanted you to know that you were still cared for and you still had options without overwhelming you with "go to a therapist" but I guess that only works in person.

I want you to know that you matter. It may not seem like it right now but you really really matter and you can get through this. These feelings do come and go and eventually you will start feeling better.

The girl that you talk to do you think you could ask her "hey, when I get too negative, all the time do you think you could tell me?" Then you could explain how talking to her helps(it helps a little, right?) but you also don't want to overwhelm her. I used to do that with my friend and then we decided that once she said that we would take a day to just talk about 'fun' stuff. You know, school, the dog, the cat, a book, a movie, etc. Do you think you could do that with her?

Brittany I hope that this helped and please don't think that I could ever be upset with you.


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:26 AM

it's negative on my side- my friends try and make it postive.

and the problem is I can't distract myself. I CANNOT focus. so I start going to quick fixes like cutting, and if I can stop myself from cutting I bug friends.

and- maybe I could do that with her. there's another HUGE reason why I shouldn't even be talking to this girl in the first place. but thats me being stupid and silly.

Last edited by noonewantstoknow; June 29th 2009 at 05:30 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:31 AM

It takes a lot of practice, training yourself to turn to healthier alternatives instead of SHing. Even now, there are still times when I have to force myself to write rather than cut, but because I've at least tried to keep at it, I have started more to want to write rather than SH whenever something triggering happens. You just have to start off with little things. For example, for me "write this sentence" instead of SHing, then "this paragraph..." then "this page..." over and over until I managed to get through. Is there anything small you could start off with to distract yourself?

Sometimes I text my friends, too. You're not bugging them. You're asking someone to be there for you, which is great.


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:36 AM

I talk to my friends TO MUCH. nobody seems to understand that.


and I don't know. it's all to much. I don't care. I'll just give up. It'd be easier and better. nobody will fucking miss me. no one. I am just a burden.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:44 AM

Brittany,

*hugs tightly and doesn't let go*

I'd miss you. Your friends WOULD definitely miss you. You are NOT a burden. I understand how you feel - after months of me texting my friends, I thought "wow, you all must really be getting tired of me, listening to me be like this night after night."

They weren't. Hm.

And if you really do feel like you're turning to your friends too much - that doesn't mean that you have to not ask for help at all. What are some new ways (people, programs, stuff like that) that you could ask for help?

Giving up probably would be easier, in the short run. But short term or long term, it's never better. I promise. The regret that comes with suicide sticks around for lifetimes. You deserve to stick around instead. It'll be way worth it. I promise.

Hang in there <3


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 05:49 AM

I just can't do this. I can't. It's all so bad right now. I don't know how to keep up. to keep typing, or anything.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:00 AM

Well, you managed to type that post

We'll getcha through this. I promise, all bad moments pass eventually.

Sometimes, coming up with a list of the things you've tried already to do to cope can be helpful, because then you can go back and look and see that "oh yeah, that was really helpful" or "well, that didn't work out so well," and you can see what you can still try, too.

You can do this, Brittany. It'll be okay. <3


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:21 AM

I tried that. It didn't work. I just can't do this. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't post.

I should die. I am being a burden. I am sorry.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:25 AM

Brittany, honey, you're not being a burden. I promisepromisepromisepromise. And you should definitely keep posting! Even if it's just an "idk," hey, it's something, and we're here to help figure out what to do.

No. Dying is not an option. So we'll figure out what to actually do.

You don't need to apologize for saying how you feel. Don't worry, hun.

So, would mind sharing what you've tried so far? I just don't want to suggest something that didn't work for you.


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:30 AM

read, journaling, playing with my dog, taking a walk, laying down.

things that kind of worked- listening to christian music (won't cheer me up now because I am feeling all guilty for being gay)
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:36 AM

Being gay is not anything to be guilty about. God makes people in different ways. Do you have any Christian music with a sort of "God is accepting" message?

And I know I've probably bored you by mentioning it so much, but have you tried talking to someone like a counselor about what's going on? She/he might be able to think of some new ideas, too, and help sort things out.


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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:49 AM

I can't get help. I have no health insurance, and even though I am 18, I am so close to be kicked out of my aunts house-----
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 06:57 AM

In terms of cost, especially if you'd be on your own, paying for it, you could definitely negotiate something with a counselor. A counselor that I went to told me that she didn't want cost to be the reason that I couldn't see her, and that she was definitely willing to work something out. And a counselor could also help work things out with your aunt, so that there isn't any unnecessary tension over it or anything.

We'll figure out a way to getcha whatever help you think'll work best for you


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 07:07 AM

no, my aunt will never be okay with it.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 07:14 AM

Your aunt should help you do what's best for you. When she doesn't do that, it's okay to ignore her. And the counselor would be able to help work something out so that you wouldn't have to rely on your aunt for it.

Or... is there anyone at church you could talk to? That doesn't involve paying, and doesn't have to involve direct permission from you aunt or anything.


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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:05 AM

I have talked to priests.

it got really bad, I collapsed and went and cut. I feel stupid. why can't I do this?
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:08 AM

*hugs*

you're not stupid. You're just still learning how to cope with this. You can do this - you just have to figure out what'll work best for you.

How did the talking to priests help? And have you tried talking to any lay staff at your church, too, about what's been going on?

Hang in there <3


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:19 AM

I've talked to so many people. I give up.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:24 AM

Brittany!

Don't give up.

There's always one more option - and eventually we'll find the right one. Please hang in there.

It seems like a counselor hasn't been something that you've tried but which I think might really help - counselors have a different view point on things and have expertise and different knowledge they can apply to situations to help turn around what formerly felt like a hopeless situation. A helpline, like Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE), can help figure out something that will be doable, despite financial or family obstacles.

Brittany, please keep yourself safe. If you need to, please get yourself to the hospital or call 911. You matter to so many people (like me!), and we want to make sure that you stick around to see why.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:30 AM

I don't know what to do.
   
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Re: its happening again. - June 29th 2009, 08:33 AM

Sometimes, when things feel really confusing and I don't know what to do, I've found that just turning in for bed can honestly be the best thing, since by that time I'm probably not thinking straight. There's always the morning to deal with things, and situations often feel less hopeless then, too.

Try getting some sleep, and then in the morning, if things really aren't feeling any better, maybe try calling a helpline or talking to one of lay ministry staff. Getting another viewpoint can often help lighten a situation.

Hang in there, hun <3 We'll get through this.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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