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Foolchild July 3rd 2009 09:34 PM

I'm a 15 year old British girl. My mum suffers from depression, and has done for a while and she has her ups and downs.. mainly downs. My sister has self harmed/self harms. I don't know if any of this has affected me but my guess is that it has.
I suffer from self hatred, I've suffered for a while now. Some days I think I'm okay and I think I look alright and am a good person. And then other days I come home and sit in my room in my room all evening and hate comes out. More often than not I end crying, a lot. I hate myself for who I am, what I am and what I look like. I think I'm hideous as a person and that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't want to give up though, I.. I know that I would never commit suicide. But I have self harmed before, :/. I just get sick of crying. Crying is probably a good thing, it lets out anger and self hate but .. I am just So Sick of hate. I want to feel good about myself, I want to beat my self hatred.
Part of my self-hatred is probably to do with a guy I have a pretty deep emotional attatchment to. And basically things never worked out and love as always been on and off. Now we've both moved on.. so it seems. I feel great guilt.. I feel as though I totally fucked him over. I don't even know if I actually did anymore. I feel so guilty for it anyway. I blame myself for everything to do with it. I now I have the nerve to think that I love him. I don't even know anymore, but whenever I think about it anger and self-hate just build up. I think I'm horrible and an absolutely disgusting person and tell myself that it's a wonder anyone even likes me.
I have a pretty average and unreligious life, loving family and friends. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way when I have a pretty desirable life. I am so sick of it. So sick.

I just want to feel good.
Can anyone help? Maybe someone who has cured this problem for themselves, I would really appreicate real people giving me advice :)
I've tried googling how to heal self-hatred but nothing seems direct enough.

Emzy July 3rd 2009 10:27 PM

Re: Anger/Self-Hate
Hi foolchild,

First off, I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment. I don't think that googling for ways to "heal" self-hatred is going to work. I think you need to see a professional, someone who can give you advice and show you ways to overcome your problems. I am sorry that your Mum is suffering with depression also, be there for her. As for your sister, maybe she needs help also if she is self harming. Talk to them both, either together or alone. Talk about your feelings, get everything out in the open so you can work on fixing things.

Your right, crying is a big help - but not too much cos then you'll get a headache! I would suggest seeing your local doctor, he/she can then refer you to a specialist, it's nothing to be scared of, they're there to help and they all do an excellent job. I'm always here if you want to PM me for a private talk about anything, or just for a good natter to take your mind off things.

Stay safe through all of this and don't give up hope!

- emzy

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