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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 05:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

"Let heaven and earth be my witnesses against you this day that I have put before you life and death"

'so cassie, what do you choose, life or death.'

I should have said freaking death, i shouldn't have lied to make people feel better. but that's what i always do, I LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING SO PEOPLE DONT WORRY ABOUT ME. So, great, now everybody thinks I'm playing freaking games when I'm not; this is life or death, not a game. But hey, if that's what everybody thinks... great, because i lose games a lot...

i'm sick.
i can't have one good day without people freaking out on me. I went out with friends last night and didn't get back til midnight and i told my parents that... but then today my mom was all "well, since you went out with friends and went out to eat, i'll take the family out to eat but you can't go...." LIKE WTF!? SERIOUSLY!? Then my dad was like "don't you ever stay out that late..." when I freaking called them at 1130 and said i wouldn't be home til midnight.... and they were fine but no, I don't deserve to have fun.

i'm sick of nobody listening to me; they say they do but they don't take me seriously. i'll show them all, i will. i'm not playing games here. i wanted help, i did. i wanted to talk but everytime i speak of suicide i get yelled at..."tell me how you really feel cassie" WELL HOW THE HELL SHOULD I DO THAT WHEN WHEN I TRY I GET YELLED AT!?

i was going to talk to my pastor but you know it's going to be the same thing as everybody else. "what's going on" "i wanna die," "YOUR SEVENTEEN STOP THINKING THAT WAY" it's not that easy... so i'm not even going to bother talking to him sunday, screw it. i'm done talking. i'm done trying. i should just lose this game of life because that's all i ever do.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 06:07 AM

One of the worst parts of being young and having a heafty load of depression is that everyone seems to think it will just go away and we need to get over it. Unfortunately, most of us aren't that lucky, and it's a constant struggle.

I know it seems like nobody cares right now, but I'm sure people in your family would, or the friends you have fun with. MOST OF ALL: you could miss out on a great life once you get recovered or are in a good therapy program for your emotions. You never know what can happen.

You might be thinking, "well, I don't care, it hurts too much right now, I can't wait." But you know what? You're alive as you're reading this, and that's a start to be extremely proud of yourself for.

PM me if you need to!
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 06:07 AM

Hello Cassie
Don't give up, if no one whats to listen to you remember God is there. TH is also here for you.!
I'm here for you...
don't give up
PM me if you need to talk anytime...


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 10:44 AM

Hey Cassie,

Sorry you are feeling this way.

I think you should talk to your pastor and tell him what you told us. Tell him that it's not that easy to not want to die because I know it isn't that easy; as much as you want it to be that easy it isn't.

Cassie, remember you are not alone, you have God and Teenhelp and you have me so please keep hanging in there you can do this.

If you need to talk pm me.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 04:17 PM

Cassie!

Hey dear, I'm so sorry that your parents were acting incredibly stupid, and that people aren't listening when you try to talk. But please don't stop trying. You DO deserve to be happy, you take care of people all the time, you deserve to have help in taking care of you. Please try to talk to your pastor - maybe it won't go the same. We won't know until you do talk to him. And if things do start to go the same way, then you're allowed to say, "No! Please shut up and listen to what I really have to say, because I don't know how to say it any differently."

Please hang in there Cassie. I'll be thinking about ya, hun <3


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 07:20 PM

hey hun!
sorry you feel this way.
i think u should talk to your pastor. God likes to throw out obstacles to test our faith in him, by giving up on urself you give up on him and everything you belive in. GOd is with you everystep of the way so dont ever feel like you are alone, not to mention TH is here for you also.
You deserve to be happy!!
im here for you whenever u need me k? jus hang in there!
ginaa <3 Pm me if u need to talk


hey please feel free to PM me about anything&everything!!



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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 07:46 PM

Please don't give up. there are so many things you haven't experienced yet. Life will get better, but first, you have to believe that. you have to realize that Jesus put you here on Earth for a reason. He has a plan for you, but did you ever think that maybe, with your thoughts like this, you're putting a stop to His plan? This isn't what He wants for you, but He can't lead you into what He wants, until you participate with it, and have hope and faith.
My best friend (who is my youth pastor) always tells me, "once you get over the biggest hills, there are miles and miles of never ending treasure waiting for you. and you will have eternal happiness, but only when you choose to let it be."
Please don't give up. I know you can get through anything with God's help. God would not put you through anything that He could not get you the strength to get through.
Don't give up hope when times get hard.
Remember that you have a lot of people who care about you.
Don't lie to make others happy, tell them what you feel.
Because when you lie to make other's happy, that's when you put a hold on Jesus' plan for you.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 4th 2009, 09:29 PM

i give up.

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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 01:46 AM

Cassie!

No. I don't allow giving up. What's been up? We'll sort through this. Hang in there, hun <3


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 02:38 AM

Cassie,
You can get through this. Giving up might seem like the only option right now, but it's not. Talk to your pastor, or family, or a close friend. Explain to them that this is serious. You don't have to go through this alone. You have God, and us to help you along the way. There is so much left on this Earth for you to live for and experience. Don't give it all up now. We're here for you.


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I'm not alone
You're in everyone I see
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Do you see me?
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 02:49 AM

it's not worth it.
i'm living a lie, i try to talk about it but people don't really understand so i just lie and tell them that i'll be okay. but the truth is i won't be okay. i just, i don't know what to do.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 02:54 AM

Cassie,
Try not to lie. Even if you have to write a letter and give it to them to get the truth across, do it. Your life is completely worth it. Someday, it will be better. Hold on.


You're everything I know that makes me believe
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:36 AM

Cassie,
I won't let you give up.
I never have,and I never will.
I love you like a sister.
and I'm always always there for you.
And I want you to know that you don't have to lie to me.
You can tell me anything,and I want you too.
Of course people are going to be worried about you,
because we care.
I care.
The only people that do understand are people that have been there. The rest of the world can only partially understand. But you should tell your pastor everything. and actually tell him. Not that girl that he's having you talk too.


To Write Love On Her Arms<3
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:39 AM

thanks.
but it's really hard for me to talk and i don't know when i would actually have the time because i don't get to church until like five mins before service and we leave basically right after. so it's basically pointless.
yeah, i understand people would be worried but when i even mention these feelings (suicide and stuff) one of two things happens:

*people freak
* don't take it seriously.

it's frusterating.
i'm tired of fighting.
i'm tired of having people that "love me" but not really dealing with me.
it's hard.
><


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:48 AM

Of course it is. If its hard to talk, then write it out. Or just try to talk. Its perfectly okay if you start crying and have to stop for a moment.
Its not pointless. There has to be a way. Could you stay a bit late or get there a little bit early? Could you talk to him over the phone? Or even over email like you have been?

Screw those people who don't take you seriously.
All of us here take you 100% seriously.

I know its frustrating, hard, and tiring. I've been there. You will make it out. And believe it or not, everything will be okay.

I just read a couple minutes ago what you said to NightmareVisions thread and the *sigh* one. You give great advice, Cassie. And like most of us, we don't know how to take our own advice. But you should atleast try too.
I'm proud of you for talking to us on here,Cassie. It shows that you are strong and that you want help and you want to live.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:53 AM

maybe like 20 mins early but that's pushing it but then the pastors aren't out there and leaving all depends when my ride decides to leave. i don't think e-mail would be a very good idea, it's more stuff that needs to be talked about face to face.

i know and i know there's a couple others who i personally know that do as well but they freak out and one time basically said if i keep it up they would have to talk with my parents and my parents are somebody who i don't want to find out again. didn't go over good last time.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:54 AM

Cassie,

oi, sorry about the lateness in my reply. I'm so sorry that things are hard - but when people don't listen, you're allowed to demand that they do. You're allowed to not be okay (in a non-permanent way) and let people know about it. You deserve to demand to be taken seriously.

Could you ask your ride for this week to plan to stay late for you? You're allowed to ask for things for yourself, too, instead of always taking care of everyone else first, like you do ALL THE TIME!


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.

Last edited by dancer; July 7th 2009 at 03:55 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 03:58 AM

Hm.Then maybe you set up a special time to talk to him?

Yeah. I had to handle my situation on my own. My parents weren't supportive.at alllllllll. My friends had to help me through it. But I did find some trusting adults. Well, two. =/
Is there any other adults that you can think of that you could trust wouldn't tell your parents?


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:04 AM

well i don't know if i could or not, i don't know how i would get up there during the week.

i have three who i'm close with;
one was all liek "you're going to be the girl who cried suicide"
the other doesn't really say much.
and the other he's pretty good with it but sometimes i think he get's a little over freaked because i'm like a daughter to him now and i don't want him to be like "she can't handle this, i'm gonna have to call 911 or something..."


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:07 AM

Maybe try talking to the third person, and telling him that you want to work with him to find a way to handle things without calling in the Spanish armada, that you want to work with him to sort out all the turmoil without adding more to it, or however you'd phrase all that.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:11 AM

I'm thinking email time. Maybe you could just shoot him an email asking him when he's available because you really need to talk to him in person. Tell him its urgent.
I'm sure you both could work something out.

The other one....At least they listen, right? This person, do they know just how serious this is?

Haha and I agree with Dancer on the last person.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:20 AM

maybe but i do even know what i would say because it's over e-mail you don't want to say too much but not too little and i don't want to be a bother to him or anything, i mean, i know him but i don't really 'know' him, you know.

yeah, she listens and she should know how serious it is beacuse i mean, she's saw how bad i've gotten, she's saw my cuts/scars, she should know but i think she thinks that because i say i'm suicidal or something and never act upon that it doesn't really phase her anymore, just because i say it doesn't mean i'm not serious.

yeah, i could BUT i don't know how he would re-act i would hate to say something and have him act on impulse without telling me. he know's about cutting but im afraid suicide would cross the line....


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:29 AM

You wouldn't be bothering him. Maybe try writing everything out, and then if you think it's too long, you can go back and edit (I actually did that). And people don't "know" people until they talk to them, anyway.

Could you maybe try telling her just that? That you realize that you haven't acted yet, but that it is serious, and that you want her help before you do actually do something? That you're not just trying to get attention or anything, but that you do need to be paid attention to (which is different).

Hmm... would prefacing talking to him with "Right now, I need someone who'll be calm and rational and direct help me deal with something in a calm and rational and direct way, without hastily reacting to something that needs to be addressed in a thoughtful way?" Or something like that...


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:35 AM

First off, I'm not reading "Dancer"'s reply, so sorry if I say something she says.

You won't bother him,Cass. He's a pastor. One of his jobs is to help people that need help. The only way to really know someone is to open up to them and talk to them. Just say what you want to say. Just say that you're going through a lot right now,and you don't know how to handle it, and that you'd like to talk to him about it in person sometime.

Then tell her what you just told us. She needs to know that just because she's seen old scars doesn't mean that there won't be new scars to be made,you know? Tell her that you haven't acted because you have people like her that you can talk too. and that you probably would be acting upon you emotions if you didn't have people there for you, and that is why you need her.

So let him know how serious it is but tell him not to tell anyone and that you won't do anything as long as you talk to him.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:38 AM

idk though i mean, i emailed him before about some stuff and yeah i havent seen him since then really so i don't know if that would really be a good idea, seeing like i said i don't know him and we haven't talked in a few weeks...

idk, like i tried that and just kept going on and on about how im "crying wolf" and so on and so fouth.

blah, i don't becaus i mean, you know how when you worry about somebody you don't reallly think u act on impulse..... it's kind of like that i think.... esp. when somebody considers you a "daughter" thats something you wouldn't want to lose and would do anything to protect and i'm afraid he would freak and say "you're getting and i'm getting it for you"

idk,.
everything is sooooo fjkls. right now.
pills look fun but thats not a good option and i know that .... but it's sooo tempting sometims


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:44 AM

I know.It is a good idea. Believe me. Thats how you get to know people, Cass. It doesn't matter how long its been since you've talked to him.

Idk what else to say,Cass. I hate that, but I really don't know what to say.

Please please please please please don't take the pills,Cass. Please don't do it. Its not worth it. at all.
I've OD'ed before on pills,and believe me, you feel like absolute sh.t afterwards. Seriously,you don't want to be there. And I reallllllllly don't want you to experience that.


Ugh. I wish there was something more I could do,or something more I could say.
I don't want to lose you. I never ever want to lose you. I care about you sooo much. I wish I was there to help you through it. But i'm milessssssssssssssssssssss away. and that really sucks.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:45 AM

Cassie, try talking to your pastor. Somehow. I had never even talked to mine before - you can do it!

Could you try talking to her this time by starting out with how you know that it might seem like you're just "crying wolf," but you're really not, and you really need her to believe you and listen to what you have to say without just dismissing it that way?

Still, we don't know how someone will react until we talk to them. And if you ask him not to act on impulse - particularly that impulse - he might be more likely to watch himself and respond calmly. Maybe ask him to help you find some other way of dealing with things besides that?

Having friends who have ODed, I can tell you that pills are not fun. Don't even let them be an option. Not just "not a good option," but "not an option at all." Cassie, hun, I know you can get through this! Hang in there <3


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:48 AM

i don't know it's kind of next to impossible.

i shouldn't, i know it, but why not.
fdajklf.
this sucks.
why does it seems like everybody i know personally seems to run when that one stupid word comese up!?


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:53 AM

next to impossible.

"With God, nothing is impossible." Forgive me - I forget what verse that is...

Why not? Because you're important. You matter. You're an amazing friend. You're my amazing friend. You're an amazing person in general, and the world desperately needs those type of people.

And because, simply because you are, you deserve to be.

And you shouldn't have to handle this all on your own. If you don't know how you could actually get to talk to your pastor, let him know that, and ask him to help you in getting to see him.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:55 AM

How is it next to impossible? There is has to be some way to get a hold of him and talk to him.

Why not? Now i'm going to sound like you...
Because you're so young. You've got so much to live for. and things will get better. If you just tough it out through the darkness you will find the light. The only way to make things better is to open yourself up and talk to people about what you're feeling inside. You'll be okay,Cass. just breathe. The pills will not make anything better. It will only make things one thousand times worse. Please don't take them,Cass. Please. You are so much better then that. I know you are, and deep down,you know it too. I've seen you at your worst and at your best,Cass. This isn't the end,and it doesn't have to be. Who is running? I'm not running away. I will not leave you. I will never leave you. Jesus will never leave you. I'm not trying to shove Jesus down your throat. But maybe you should sit down and have a good long talk with Jesus tonight. and he will show you exactly what you need to do. He will help you get through this. You aren't alone, Cass. You have always been there for me when I have needed someone,and now I will be there for you. Cass, just pray about this. and I will pray for you. You will be okay. Alright, Cass? You will be okay.

And now i'm crying my eyes out.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 04:59 AM

i just don't see how i am going to be able to talk with him, i mean, everytime i go to email him i think "your an idiot, he's going to think your a freak, stop bugging him you hardly know him."

worse, how could it possibly make it worse.
i'm already falling again, i already ruined a lot in the past couple of days.
my life is already out of control..


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 05:05 AM

It's when things are spinning out of control that we most need other people to help us manage the storm that we can't.

Whenever things fall apart, it just means that we get to build something bigger and more beautiful from the pieces. I've had a bit of a shatter, too. Wanna build together?

And like I said, I "bothered" a pastor who didn't even know who I was. You've already got a leg up. And you wouldn't be bothering the pastor. He'd probably be more bothered finding out that someone under his "spiritual jurisdiction" needed his help and he didn't give it because he didn't know.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 05:06 AM

There is the angel and the devil on your shoulder. The devil is the one telling you all that crap.
And now I will be the angel. You aren't a freak. Your pastor won't think you are a freak. You aren't bugging him at all. You're not an idiot. He wants you to talk to him.


You say it will make it worse. How could you even say that?
So pick yourself up. It happens all of the time. We fall, we pick ourselves up and become that much stronger.Take your life back into your hands. You don't have to fall even further then you've already fallen. We hit rock bottom,and the only place to go from there is up.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 05:12 AM

i know, that sounds about right.
but i mean, what am i going to say to him if i do decide to e-mail him.
what if it's instinct telling me not too because it will end badly.

its true i should get back up but it's really hard to get up right now]=


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 05:18 AM

What if it's not instinct? What if it's just fear?

Don't let fear get in the way.

What do you say to him? The truth. What's going on, why it's going on, how you feel about that, and what if anything you want to do about it, however vague or specific that is.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 7th 2009, 06:18 PM

you know now that i think about it, there's really no point in me being here anymore.
i need to let.go. it's over, really it is.
i quit, i'm a quitter not a fighter.
it has to be.
i can't


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 8th 2009, 09:34 PM

Cassie!

Of course there's a point to you being here! Even if you can't see it, there is. People are born mattering.

You are your own point.

Cassie, you're an amazing person, and you've helped me so much. You've been a lot of the reason that I've finally started really addressing what's going on in my life, and that I haven't given up.

Please hang in there, Cassie. Ya know I love ya. PM me anytime. We'll get through this together <3


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 10th 2009, 08:00 PM

Hi, I know how you feel exactly, everyone felt the same way about me. It took me six months of convincing until finally my mom understood I really was in need of help. I think you should pull one of your parents aside and sit down and talk to them, be sure to keep the conversation calm and simply say "I need help" if they say you're fine simply explain how you're feeling not just like "I want to die" maybe something more like "I'm always depressed, and life sometimes doesn't seem worth it, I want to get help because I don't want to feel like this anymore" Remember, admitting you need help is the first step, and you know you need it, so good job, if you need to talk just PM me Keep us posted
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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 10th 2009, 08:10 PM

Don't Give Up. You are so strong for staying here this long, why throw it all away?

People might not understand how you feel. But not everybody doesn't understand.

YES, we ALL go through a patchy spot but we get through it.

It's like driving somewhere, you depart from home and the road is smooth, but then it soon down it has pot holes and snow, and then rain and hail. Do you turn around and go home? Or do you keep driving? I think you'd keep driving, because it will get better when you keep going.

Okay, if you knew that life was going to get better in a year would you still choose death?

Braiden.

Just think about it, please? You can PM me anytime.


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Re: i choose death, kthnx. - July 11th 2009, 02:12 AM

i'm sick of trying; i can't take it anymore.
i quit.


when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

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