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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Post Sometimes...everything is not enough - July 6th 2009, 09:42 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Yeah, really, I don't know. I'm so stressed and in so much pain emotionally. My heart is caving in, or so it feels.

There is just so much in my head, it's really hard to type it all out, but I want to.

I've been working on my suicide letter. I'm not sure if I'm acutely in need of assistance or not. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. I don't even know if my plan is plausible. Yes, I do have a plan.

The scariest part? I have a time period I plan on doing it in. Normally it
s one of those "in the moment" things, you know? But, no. I've been slowly planning it for the past 8 months. It's finally coming together. And it's feeling more and more like the right choice with each day that passes.

There's a guy in PA I'm really into, but it doesn't seem like things are going to go off for us because of the distance.

And then there's this guy I really really like and have told him. Well, even though he told me otherwise he is kind of in a relationship. And he really likes her and she likes him. Just sucks that he lied to me. And he has no idea what's going on with me.

He has no idea I'm planning this. He has no idea that I've been cutting every single night and it's getting worse and worse. And he doesn't know how much he has hurt me.

Haha and yet again there is another guy who I like who lives near and is interested in me but I cannot hurt him. So I won't.

So I'm really conflicted about how I feel. And I hate it. Because I'm suppsoed to be madly in love with the guy in PA. But if that were true, wouldn't that mean I should try harder?

Besides that, my mom is focused on my sister who is coming to move back in. My whole family is focused on her, as always. My sister is the prodigy sister, even though she has made the worst mistakes; drugs, whoring herself out, drinking under age, moving all over hte country with different guys. And all I did was get depressed and tried to kill myself.

Blah. I doubt anyone will read this. I'm sorry it's so long. I just need someone to have the chance to see why I'm so depressed all the time anymore.

I feel like nothing matters in the world anymore. Like going to talk to my counselor won't change a thing, and telling my friends that I'm suicidal won't matter either. Eating is pointless to do anymore, or so it feels. Being awake has no meaning. When I have an asthma attack, I enjoy it because it means I'm that much closer to maybe being gone forever.

Don't tell about the "life is worth living and suicide is a temporary out" bullshit. I know it means I don't exist anymore and it's not just getting rid of the pain but my entire body and existence. That is what I want. Life is just pointless. I'm bored with it.

My past sucks and my future does not look any better. Even if it does, I don't care. There is just no point. I don't want kids and I'm starting to think I would be better off without a husband or boyfriend. So what is the point in living? A job is boring and stupid and a waste of time. It does nothing. Yes it gets me money but only because I put up with unneeded and unnecessary stress.

And the scariest part of all of this? Before I die, I have a list I'm going to fulfill. One of which is tanning so I won't look so disgusting and to tone my body. The other is to finally gain some self confidence. Once I have accomplished those, I'm out of here.

I'm not scared. I'm not raging out. I've spent hours upon hours planning this and thinking it through. It is scary, but it feels right and I'm just so bored of this world. I mean, alien invasion please?

-Mystery
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Sometimes...everything is not enough - July 6th 2009, 10:19 PM

Yeah, really, I don't know. I'm so stressed and in so much pain emotionally. My heart is caving in, or so it feels.

There is just so much in my head, it's really hard to type it all out, but I want to.

Anything you want to say would be a great burden of your shoulder, just tell it like you need it. Its natural for someone to be in so much pain. Espeically of what you are going through. Its natural to feel your heart is caving in...Im just sorry that its happenening to you.


I've been working on my suicide letter. I'm not sure if I'm acutely in need of assistance or not. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. I don't even know if my plan is plausible. Yes, I do have a plan.

I think, you do know what you are doing. It may not be the right way to go...but you seem fixated. I am not saying...go ahead and write a note, its a shame you have a plan

The scariest part? I have a time period I plan on doing it in. Normally it
s one of those "in the moment" things, you know? But, no. I've been slowly planning it for the past 8 months. It's finally coming together. And it's feeling more and more like the right choice with each day that passes.

This is what I can relate to....I sound like a hypocrite...but Iv had plans for about 12 months to end my life. Each day, just like you it seems the right choice. However lately, I met a wonderful person, who just changed my life around. I still feel suicidal. If you feel like its moe the right choice than to live....I cant tell you different. It will be horrid to see you go....I dont want that, no-one wants that.

There's a guy in PA I'm really into, but it doesn't seem like things are going to go off for us because of the distance.

Do not worry about anyone else, espeicailly a long distance relationship, just worry about yourself.

And then there's this guy I really really like and have told him. Well, even though he told me otherwise he is kind of in a relationship. And he really likes her and she likes him. Just sucks that he lied to me. And he has no idea what's going on with me.

I agree, that completely takes the piss. He is obviously not good enough for you. He is an asshole, and he doesnt deserve you, you can do much better.

He has no idea I'm planning this. He has no idea that I've been cutting every single night and it's getting worse and worse. And he doesn't know how much he has hurt me.

Are you going to tell him what you are planning? You shouldnt cut over a guy, guys are not worth your upset. If you need to cut, do it because you need to, not because of a guy.

Haha and yet again there is another guy who I like who lives near and is interested in me but I cannot hurt him. So I won't.

Here is something positive. Maybe he can help you out. You dont have to hurt him, heck, maybe you could get together and he could care for you and look after you. If he likes you, he will like you for you, you wouldnt hurt him. Its inside that counts, not the fact that you cut.

So I'm really conflicted about how I feel. And I hate it. Because I'm suppsoed to be madly in love with the guy in PA. But if that were true, wouldn't that mean I should try harder?

Love is a dodgy thing, it will leave you confused and conflicted. You cant force love. Love is from the heart, not the heard. Go with your heart and tell me how you feel about the guy in PA.

Besides that, my mom is focused on my sister who is coming to move back in. My whole family is focused on her, as always. My sister is the prodigy sister, even though she has made the worst mistakes; drugs, whoring herself out, drinking under age, moving all over hte country with different guys. And all I did was get depressed and tried to kill myself.


It sounds like your parents are scared of her, they are scared of your mental state, but they are scared of your sisters physical state.
Its not fair. You feel like your not in the family. I feel that. Its not your fault, nor is it your sisters, nor your parents, its just a circumstance you all have to sort out. Try family counselling, that could help.



Blah. I doubt anyone will read this. I'm sorry it's so long. I just need someone to have the chance to see why I'm so depressed all the time anymore.

Im reading and bonus....trying to make you feel a bit better - even though you probably wont....I just want you to know I understand your depression

I feel like nothing matters in the world anymore. Like going to talk to my counselor won't change a thing, and telling my friends that I'm suicidal won't matter either. Eating is pointless to do anymore, or so it feels. Being awake has no meaning. When I have an asthma attack, I enjoy it because it means I'm that much closer to maybe being gone forever.


I can understand, no motivation for anything. Except the thought of dyeing. Why dont you feel like nothing will change? Have you tried talking to friends or a counsellor and tell them whats really going on? Im sorry you want to die so much, that it goes as deep as being glad for a ashtma atttack.




Don't tell about the "life is worth living and suicide is a temporary out" bullshit. I know it means I don't exist anymore and it's not just getting rid of the pain but my entire body and existence. That is what I want. Life is just pointless. I'm bored with it.

I will not bullshit you.....I would be bullshitting myself. Id be a hypocrite if I tried to tell you how great the world is....im afraid you have your own choice. You can choose to live, which is beating your problems, or you can do what you want and end your life. I cant tell you what to do, however there may be a chance in life, but there is no chance in death.

My past sucks and my future does not look any better. Even if it does, I don't care. There is just no point. I don't want kids and I'm starting to think I would be better off without a husband or boyfriend. So what is the point in living? A job is boring and stupid and a waste of time. It does nothing. Yes it gets me money but only because I put up with unneeded and unnecessary stress.

My past sucks, so do most people on this site. My future doesnt look much better either. I dont want kids, I'd be better off single. But you can change things, only you have the power to do that. Life is a bitch, then you die. Why not try living again?

And the scariest part of all of this? Before I die, I have a list I'm going to fulfill. One of which is tanning so I won't look so disgusting and to tone my body. The other is to finally gain some self confidence. Once I have accomplished those, I'm out of here.

Well, I hope you will change your mind, but like I said, no-one can change you but yourself and if you dont want to live, I cant make you. I can just hope and pray youll be ok, suicide is so final. I think you need help, but I cant make you get it.

I'm not scared. I'm not raging out. I've spent hours upon hours planning this and thinking it through. It is scary, but it feels right and I'm just so bored of this world. I mean, alien invasion please?

If you need to talk, which you probably wont....then feel free too pm me.

Jamie
xx


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Re: Sometimes...everything is not enough - July 7th 2009, 02:11 AM

Hey there Mystery,

when life gets boring, change it. Don't end it. It seems like you're good at making plans to enact - maybe try making a new one that's not so dead-end?

I'm sorry that your family apparently has a skewed perspective. But don't let their ignorance affect your sense of non-futility.

Um, I would suggest eating. I've done the whole I'm-done-I'm-not-eating-go-away-world thing, and it's more like it's the pointless thing.

Sorry that this is such a short reply - I did read all of your message. I guess, I've seen you around and know how amazing you can be. Give yourself a chance to find that out. Don't end your narrative prematurely. Blunt endings never get good reviews, anyway.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Never Forget Hope
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Re: Sometimes...everything is not enough - July 8th 2009, 09:37 PM

I'm not in the right mindset to reply to any questions either of you asked.

I wish... *stops self*

Goodbye <3
   
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Re: Sometimes...everything is not enough - July 8th 2009, 09:41 PM

Mystery!

No way, no goodbyes.

We need you around here. Please don't hurt yourself - I know what it's like to just want things to stop, but that doesn't mean that you have to as well.

Please take care of yourself.

I'll be thinking of you.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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