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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Ella.x Offline
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i need help - October 6th 2009, 11:23 PM

I went to my new doctor at uni and she was phoning around to try and get me an appointment with a shrink. nothing yet. All I want to do is die. I can't think of anything thats making me this bad




apart from what happeneed when i was 9



but that cant still be fucking me up... can it?


I need help.

I need to be normal again.

I need to be able to function again.

I have to pass this year at uni.

I have to prove that I'm not a fuck-up.

But I am a fuck-up.

So what do I do?

I'm so scared and confused. Every time I close my eyes, I replay that moment over and over again and it wont stop.

I'm so scared.

Please help.
   
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Re: i need help - October 6th 2009, 11:28 PM

Breathe! Believe it or not, things that happened years ago could still affect you and can/cannot always affect you. Btw, no one is normal! lol. And that's okay! It seems like you will be getting the help you need soon (: So just hold on, and before you know it you'll be on your way to recovery!


   
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Re: i need help - October 6th 2009, 11:44 PM

I just want to forget. It's all too much.

I went out tonight to try and forget all this shit, but it didn't work. I came back early coz i felt like shit.
Posted my meds through my flatmates door with a note coz i cant trust myself. I feel like a kid again. Can't be trusted with anything.

All I want to do now is drink the rest of my vodka and cut myself and overdose until I die. I can't deal with it anymore
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 12:18 AM

Hey Ella,

Try to take a few deep breaths and take a step back from the situation. Your health is the most important thing here not passing uni. You need to look after yourself and you can only try your best with uni.

I think you did really well to see your doctor about this because that takes so much courage. Could you go and talk to them again and tell them how bad things are? They might be able to sort something out sooner if they know just how bad things are. You do deserve help Ella but perhaps you need to tell your doctor just how bad things are and that you are having thoughts of harming yourself.

Ella, you are worth so much more than a bunch of pills and vodka. Don't do this to yourself because you will probably just make yourself really ill. You deserve to be happy and you will get there.

If you want to chat at all then I am always here for you so PM me anytime at all! Stay strong
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 12:27 AM

She was trying to get me an emergency appointment with the psych but there werent any available. I dont have any pills left apart from my next couple of days worth of anti-depressants coz i put the rest through my flatmates door with a note to stop myself from taking them.
But i cant stop myself from cutting
All I want to do is cut. I've cut 3 times today. 5 cuts each time. deeper as the night goes on. I want to cut until I cant think anymore. I want to cut forever. Just keep on cutting. I can't handle this.
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 12:31 AM

That is rather annoying that there wasn't any emergency appointments available because it sounds like you really could do with one. I think you did the right thing to give your tablets to your flat mate because as I said before you are worth so much more than a bunch of pills. I know self harm feels good in the short term but in the long term it only causes more problems. It won't solve how you feel as you know because you have to keep doing it again. If you are feeling that low then maybe you need to go to A&E because you would be able to talk to someone there.
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 12:51 AM

I dont even know where the nearest A&E is coz I've only just started at uni and I'm 3 hours away from where I used to live.

I dont even know if i want help. I dont deserve it. Im a selfish bitch. I guess I do want help or I wouldn't have posted or gone to the doctor.

My thoughts are so confusing and contradictory at the moment. I dont know what I want.

I guess I just want to feel normal and in control again
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 01:14 AM

make that 4 times i've cut today
   
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Re: i need help - October 7th 2009, 12:39 PM

If you are at uni it must be in a rather big city so there must be an A&E close to where you are. You could always go back to the doctor today and tell them just how bad things are and demand that you can't wait. You do have choices and other options other than self harming and taking an overdose.
   
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Re: i need help - October 8th 2009, 10:57 AM

I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse next thursday. I have another appointment with my doctor on monday. I feel guilty for taking up everyones time. I shouldn't be so selfish. There are other people who need those appointments far more than I do.

I'm starting to get really stressed out about all the work I have to do this year. I'm taking a chemistry module and I don't understand any of it. It's all stuff that seems fairly straightforward to everyone else, but I can't get it. I can't even ask for help because I can't talk to people. I can barely even sit in my lectures without having panic attacks. It's so irrational. I know that nothing bad can happen from asking for help, but I just can't do it. I can't open my mouth and ask. I'm getting so frustrated with being like this. I'm so angry at myself.

To be honest though, I'm useless. I'm nver going to pass this course with or without help. There's no point in me even being at uni. I have no idea how I even managed to get in.

All of this stress is triggering my flashbacks, which make me even more stressed and anxious. I hate this. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I couldn't stand up for myself. I hate that I can't get over it. I just want to be normal.
   
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