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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Verse Offline
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Life sucks - October 19th 2009, 10:48 AM

Hi

I didn't think my life would be so bad at 23. I thought I'd be in a successful job that I liked, maybe be on my way to owning my own home, have a long term girlfriend and have the world at my feet. At least I thought that way a few years ago.
Now everything that could go wrong has, nothing has worked out and I'm back where I was after I left high school, except this time older.

I'll give you a bit of a story so you know how I feel. When I was 18 I didn't really know what I wanted to do in life, so I kind of bummed around a bit, working odd jobs and trying university, which I found I didn't like, so I dropped out which is no big deal.
I thought I'd move on to something else, so I joined the military which was okay for a bit but I after a year I'd realised I'd made a mistake not going in full time. I'd quit the infantry course which I was doing for stupid reasons and come back home as a Reservist. I was about 20 at this time. I tried settling back into working a job on a local mine site which earned me a LOT of money and doing Reserves at the same time but this got tiresome and I become extremely unhappy with the mine job and I tried to apply to move into the full time military.
This is when things really started going down hill for me.
I was knocked back for some ridiculous "no full time positions" reason and so here I was stuck in a job I hated and going no where with Reserves.
I hated my job so much it started manifesting itself in my work and I was fired. I moved out of the house I was renting back in with my Mum who I've never really been able to click with fully.
I tried again for the full time defence force and again they said no, so I took a holiday overseas instead thinking it would bolster my spirits.
It was just a temporary solution though, because reality just hit home twice as hard as soon as I got back.

I tried joining the police force but I'm getting the same rejection reasons from them as I am from the armed forces, and it just feels like I've come this far for nothing. I am jobless, I hate being a reservist, there's nothing I want to do more except be a cop or a soldier and I can't be either. There's an endless sea of bills and debts coming at me, I crashed my car and I'm fearing that I'll be stuck forever in the same non-purposeful existence.

I know it doesn't seem like my problems are that bad, but I am just so dissatisfied with the way my life has turned out. It seems I've had every opportunity handed to me and I've still managed to fuck it up.
Every once in a while I cry myself to sleep or go psycho at something for no reason because I'm so unhappy. I punched a hole in my wall and nearly hit my mother one time we were arguing because I just couldn't handle myself.

I just don't want to be another number behind a desk, I want to be making a difference in my community and country and every step I've tried to get there has been thwarted.
I am so shit around women the only ones I can get physically close to are the ones that are so wasted they'll jump anyone.
I can't bring myself to commit suicide because that will only prove how much of a failure I am.
And I am a failure.


ADAPT & OVERCOME
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
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Re: Life sucks - October 20th 2009, 01:22 AM

Hey.

You're not a failure. You're twenty-three. How many years of your life do you have to go? Eighty? More? You've not even hit full adulthood, really. Sure, it's been a rocky road up until this point, but it's time for you to change things. Right now. I know you want to be helping your community as a cop or a soldier, but there are other ways to help your community. In fact, every single job, in some way or another, helps. And you get paid for helping - what's better than that? I know it's going to be hard for you to turn your cheek from what you really want to do, but if they're not going to allow you to join them, they're not going to let you join them. And you can waste your time dwelling on that. You have to pick yourself up and try to go find another job - anything is better than nothing. Perhaps you could look into doing security work for local concerts - I have a few friends who do that, and I know they love it. Plus, it's kind of similar to police/army work in a way, you know? You just have to be positive about the fact that you ARE important, and that what you're doing IS helping the bigger picture.

We have a specific "Australia" category in our hotlines thread, which can be found here: [http://www.teenhelp.org/hotlines]. If you ever get to the point where you feel unsafe with yourself, I urge you to pick up the phone and call one of these numbers - you are not a waste of anyone's space, time, or efforts, I promise you that.

You have so many opportunities ahead of you. Focus your worry and regret into a healthier channel so you don't miss anymore of them. Change can happen, but "things won't change if things don't change." As for the anger issues, just try to, again, focus your anger this time, into something more healthy. There's so many online sites out there on anger management techniques - I recommend just giving them a read one day if you have some extra time. It can't hurt, and it's going to feel a whole lot better when you're able to release your anger in a positive, efficient manner.

Finally, the girls thing. It's cool - you have time. You don't have to think of each female as a potential girlfriend..this might make things awkward, I don't know you or your personality, but I know there's someone out there who's going to appreciate you for who YOU are. While they're sober. Seriously..

I know all of this is so much harder to do than for me to say, but it needs to be said nonetheless. Take good care of yourself, okay?



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Dream Offline
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Re: Life sucks - October 20th 2009, 07:58 AM

You want to make a difference in your community but don't want to be another number behind a desk?

I'd say try going into social work. Is going back to school an option for you? Your options are very limited otherwise.

You're not a failure. You're 23. Also, the police force is extremely selective; very few applicants make it.

I hope things work out.



   
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