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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 08:56 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Its Fucked! My life is officially screwed up. I had all these huge
plans about traveling with Dov, my friend. but now I have to pay my
medical bills and I cant get a car to travel around NZ in. You have no
idea how upset I am about this!! I have to quit my Certificate in
Health, the first part to Nursing because I cant even afford a flight.
Ive waited two years for this course to become available, I just found
out I was accepted on Monday. Being compleatly honest, I left Respite
care too early. Im an emotional wreck! I quit my job, because I had
these plans, and now I dont have any sorce of income, I dont have any
accomidation from the end of this week, I have no where to go, no one
can help. Im in tears while Im writing this, and for those who dont
know me, that is a huge thing. I never cry. I dont know what to do, I
really dont . I dont know weather to give up and end it all now, or
to keep attempting to make ends meet. Im tired of trying to do this on
my own. And I found out the hard way I cant trust anyone. I cant rely
on anyone to help me when I need it most because I have no one whos
really there for me. Why is life so hard. Why does no one want to make
it a little bit easier for me? Why am I so alone.

I know this
isnt a good thing, and although I have no support Im going to try my
best to be strong, I just want to Overdose, to end it all. I cant cope
with life as it is, and I dont see it getting any better. Its not only
this Issue Im talking about. Im perty much paralised from the waist
down. I cant walk, I cant dance, Ive stopped doing the things I loved
like art, and singing while playing the guitar because I just dont get
as much enjoyment from them anymore. I dont have anything I can do to
make life feel more enjoyable. I have all the medication that would do
it right the first time. And to be honest, Im so very tempted to pass
over to a better place. I dont know what that place would be, I just
hope its green, green fields, rivers, mountains, the earth as it should
be. Flowers that smell so beautiful, and strongly. Animals without the
fear of being shot. Rivers so clear you could drink from them. A place
you are welcomed with open arms, not shunned for your mistakes. The
perfect world. I only hope it exists.

I have no home here in this life, I have no reason, no purpose, no point of being.

Im
always tired, and I cant pretend Im ok anymore, Im not. Im not ok. I
let the world know too late, and I dont know if I can be helped.

Im ready to go to the perfect world, Im ready to go home.
Please, let me go.


Chemical kid
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 09:11 AM

Please help me, before I do something I wont be here to regret.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 10:01 AM

I saw these, and they have helped a little. Im going to write my own list of reasons to live, and post it above my bed so I can see it at night, or when Im low. (I tend to lie in bed when Im low)

*Puppies
*Fresh-baked cookies and brownies
*Warm spring days
*Fresh Flowers
*Your friends
*Raising your kids so they don't have to go through the same pain you did
*Snow Angels and Snowmen and Snow Days
*Bright blue skies
*Fresh rain
*Hugs and Kisses and Love
*The really funny and cute and amusing smileys that keep showing up
*ben and jerry's phish food ice cream
*full moons
*water skiing
*a favorite song
*dreams
*deciding on a name for your nameless fish
*scrapbooking
*sparkles
*crazy hair days
*evening walks in the park
*your favorite food
*new experiences
*cookie dough
*sunsets and sunrises
*new kitties!
*deep conversations with your best friends
*sarcasm...yay!
*new hair cuts
*cute guys
*your first kiss
*any kiss thereafter
*clear water on a white sand beach
*Warm covers and a good book
*Frozen lemonade in 100+ degree weather
* Because living proves you can
* Reaching somewhere so you an help everyone else
* Because its easier
*Friends
*Prom
*Dressing up
*Dressing down
*Sleeping all day
*Your favorite stuffed-animal from when you were little
*Your first house and your first new car
*Inside jokes
*All the silly little sentimental things that make you smile
* the night sky
* Camping
* Because 98% of suicide attempt victims feel a sudden urge to live after attempting.
* Crying for joy.
* scented candles
* the ocean and watching the waves crash against the shore
* taking pictures of your shadow
* music
* blankets right out of the drying machine on a cold winter day
* bathrobes and slippers
* pillow fights
* dancing in the rain
* cuddles
* thunderstorms
* seeing someone happy and realising it's you who made them happy
* freshly cut grass
* sleeping under the stars
* bakeries
* Walking by the moonlight
* Dreaming
* Ever changing clouds and their shapes
* Songs of life
* Making a difference
* Seeing shooting stars
* Fireworks
* To see your dreams come true
* Watching everyone around you grow up (notice the changes)
* To see if that local high school band made it big
* To go on a roadtrip with friends
* To make your dreams come true


Chemical kid
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 04:22 PM

Hey Sonic,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. But I just wanted to let you know you AREN'T along. I'm here for you. I know in my country their are shelters you can stay in until you find a job and get back on your feet so I'm sure there would be something like that in your country. I wish I had the perfect words to fix everything you are going through and make you feel better but I don't. Remember, it IS going to get better and you WILL feel better. Don't give up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep on fighting Sonic because when you get through this, you will be so much stronger. Hang in there.
Pm me if you need anything or just want to talk.

Take care of yourself,
Alessa


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 04:34 PM

Hey sonic,
I am struggling with suicidal thoughts too.
my prents beat me and i dont feel hope... at least not too much.
but ill bet u have a friendor someone who makes u light up
think abou them orencouraging words theyv said or talkj to them.
also i am here if u wanatlk ok
dotn kill urself.
I don evenkno u and I already kno ur a real cool person that everyone would miss
_roxy
   
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 05:13 PM

agreeing with what everyone else said. you 've got all our support.

Stuff shall get better!


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 06:45 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry that you are struggling so immensely but I want you to know it will be okay. I think it is great that you are going to make your own list of reasons to live. You know, having my own list of reasons helped me and I think that it could help you.

I know you feel alone but are you sure there is not one you could go to? A friend or family member? I know from experience that sometimes the intense depression causes us to look past the fact that there are definitely people in our lives that care. Could that be what is happening with you?

As for the nursing thing; is there any way you could take out a loan? Look into some type of financial aid? Borrow money from someone? I know how tough it can be to deal with money issues but you can make it through this.

Lastly, I know that you might not want to do this but have you considered talking to a professional about this? I know that is a scary step to take but it really can be extremely beneficial.

Please hang in there and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 10th 2010, 09:08 PM

I'm sorry to hear you are paralyzed, but I know a guy who has been in a wheelchair, and has not much use of his hands because they are frozen, but he still lives and ejoys life and is strong and you can be too.
I understand you are upset about an opportunity passing you, but when a door closes, another one opens to bigger, better opportunities, so look forward to greater things happening because it always does. Don't dwell on the negative things in the world, don't think about the bad things, focus on only the positive, optimistic things, the things that makes you happy, and just remember there are people who care and love you. Don't worry, things always get better, there are people here who will always be willing to help you. This is a really great forum, it's helped me out alot being here too.
   
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 12:06 AM

Hey, Thanks for the support. As for having someone to talk with here in New Zealand, My parents kicked me out when they found out about depression, and my whole family has cut off contact with me, My friends dont want anything to do with me, they act like its contagous. The only person I have at the moment is Dov. Ive knowen him for less than a month and dont really want to be talking to him about all of this. ON the bright side, I can move my toe, kind of. Apparently thats a huge deal. It doesnt feel like much of an achievement to be honest. Considering I use to be able to walk and moving toes wasnt an issue. I have been in respite care (Shelter for people with mental illness who need to get back onto their feet), but I was sexually abused by one of the staff members, so I dont want to go back there because it doesnt feel like a safe enviroment. There is a big court case for that, and I had to get a restraining order against another individual. Its not easy being by yourself in the time of need.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 12:24 AM

Hey Sonic,

Sounds like right now is very tough for you. Remember though, you will get back on your feet and things will get better. Rather then comparing yourself to when you could walk, compare yourself to when you started using a wheelchair. Look at how far you have come since then because there are many people out there in wheelchairs who can't move their toes. Tell yourself you aren't going to let this disability define you and you aren't going to let these hard times take over. You have so much to live for and so much to experience.

I can understand how you do not want to return to that shelter, but I'm sure there is more than one in your country. Here, there are hotlines you can call that will find you a place to stay so maybe you could try that and see if there is a different one you can stay in. If not, even though you have only known your friend for a little while, ask him. I know it's hard to ask for help in a situation like this but it's completely worth it. Even though I may not be physically with you, I am here for you. You can always PM me if you need anything.

Stay strong,

Alessa

P.S. Keep adding to that list of yours. It's a great way to keep your mind positive and thinking on the bright side of things.


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 01:02 AM

K, I suppose it is quite big considering when I first fell.

I know there is more then one, but I cant feel safe in any. Its why I left after going to three different ones. Theres always the thought of what he did in the back of my head. I cant forget it, and I really dont know how I can live with it. Im trying my best to keep on living but it isnt easy. I cant keep being strong, Who am I being strong for? Who cares if Im here or not? I cant keep being ok without anyone to talk to about whats happened. Its taking over my life, I cant slpeep without dreaming about what happened, I cant be touched without jumping and momenterally thinking its him. I was talking to a profesional but I cant keep doing that at the moment, Because I really cant afford it. I cant even afford to eat. I havent had a decent meal for coming up three weeks, Im living off on average a palm full of cooked rice each day, If Im lucky! I really need help. Im on the edge at the moment, and I cant stay where I am emotionally, I cant do it. All I need is a little bit of support. I need help.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 04:56 PM

We are all here for you Sonic. I care if you are here or not. You are being strong for yourself, to prove to yourself that you CAN do it. If you need someone to talk to, call a hotline: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f3-general/t22-hotlines/ If you can't find a number in that sticky search the internet for one in your country. Talk to your friend because it's better to tell him than to keep it all in. Do they have like food stamps, soup kitchens or food pantrys in New Zealand where you can get food for free? You may want to check that out because having little food can make it harder to fight this emotionally. You can do it though. I have complete faith in you.
Hang in there,

Alessa


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 11:07 PM

Hey, With the soup kitchen thing, There might be, but Not that Im aware of, Ill have to google it. Ive been calling the 'whats up' help line usually they are pretty good, but they arent always helpfull. I talked to my friend about whats been going on, he was really helpful, and understanding. I dont know why I didnt talk to him sooner to be honest. Anyway, I tryed to talk to my parents, but It didnt go so well, which didnt help how Im feeling at the moment.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 11th 2010, 11:54 PM

I'm glad you talked to your friend. I'm sure he'll be there to help you out. Well atleast you can say you tried talking to your parents. Because if you hadn't tried, you never would've know. But that's awesome now you have your friend to lean on. Hang in there, it can only get better.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 12th 2010, 06:47 AM

Ok, things just got a fuck load worse.

How the fuck do I tell my friend I failed him, My last chance at getting a fucking car has failed. How do I tel;l him that. OUr plans are officially out the fucking window. I may as well be dead when he comes home. I mean Im already fucking pissed (drunk) off my face. May as well just fucking top myself now. Dont sound like a bad idea tbh. Got the shit in my room coz people think im trustworthy with the medication. ha. What a joke.

Fuck hope, Fuck dreams, Fuck plans

Fuck life.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 12th 2010, 05:26 PM

It's not worth it at all. You'll hurt so many people and so many people care about you. Here and in your life. Your friend would be horrified. I'm sure he'd much rather you just calmly tell him what happened and you two can work something different out. Please stay strong Sonic. You have done amazingly and gotten so far don't give it all up. You will get through this and you will feel better.
Hang in there,

Alessa


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 12th 2010, 11:21 PM

I talked to my friend again, about our plans, and I think we have sorted something out, I just hope this works...
Ive been three months without hurting myself, three months since my last attempt, Im got so much better when I was in respite care, and now Ive gone back down hill. I guess I just feel like I failed Jenny and the other staff. I tried so hard, and they helped me alot, and Im almost back to where I started.

I need to be ok again, I need to live for the moment and not stress about things I cant control.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 13th 2010, 12:35 AM

See, I'm sure you'll always be able to sort things out. It's just a matter of not stressing over them and thinking through it calmy. You should be very proud of yourself for coming this far! That's a huge accomplishment! Just because you are going downhill doesn't mean you can't turn around again. You've done it before so I have complete faith you can do it again. You WILL be okay again. Just hang in there. Maybe try and talk to your friend a lot so you can let things out because a lot of times we feel terrible until we just let it all out and then we feel a lot better. It's all going to be okay.


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 13th 2010, 04:27 AM

Thank you ae. It means alot that you believe that I can turn my life around again


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Re: I cant pretend Im ok any more... - February 14th 2010, 03:29 PM

I'm glad because I know you can. Just hang in there and try to stay positive!

Alessa


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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