I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore...

[noname899]

I literally am struggling to type this because I have fought this for so many nights and this does not fit at all with the strong and stable person my friends and family think of me as but I just don't think I can do this anymore. I am a sophomore in college and I just feel like I have nobody and I just cannot do it anymore. My dad died a year ago yesterday and it was my fault basically (to make a long story way too short he waited to get a surgery he needed so that he could help me move into my freshman dorm) so i just feel so incredibly guilty and it just gets worse and worse every night I am here. I have horrible body issues and I SH and it just seems to be all piling up on top of me and I just cannot take it anymore. My friends openly call me their "go to girl" because I am majoring in social work and I always am inclined to help people who come to me needing it but I just can't do it anymore and I feel like my only option is to just end it.

I have thought about it so much lately and I feel like it's worse now because my roommate is gone abroad and I am by myself a lot more to think about what a failure I am and how much better everyone would be if I was just gone. I know they think right now that it would be better if I was here but they would see how quickly things would get better if I was just gone. The only problem is I go to school in NY and my family is from Ohio so I would never want my mom to have to come here and collect all of my shit after I was gone because I know she wouldn't be able to handle it and that's the last thing I want to do to her since I want to make things easier for her by being gone and giving her one less thing to worry about. It would just be so much better and easier for everyone in the long run if I was just gone and I know that more and more each day that I am still here.

God this is so stupid I don't know what I expect to happen by writing this it's just that legitimately nobody in my life has any idea how much I am struggling and I know that this is my only place to say anything about how much I am struggling and I just feel like I have hit a wall and have run out of options to help myself.

[floatingangel]

hey hun, firstly i wanna say that you should not blame yourself for your father's death... he loved you so much that he would risk his life for your future! and i believe that what he wants is for you to use whatever he has invested in you to lead a more meaningful and better life. it's normal to grief, and it's normal to feel guilt, but you have to know that because of his love for you, you cannot just give up on your life!
i know things are so tough for you now, but you got to hang on. you're a great person, and people can see that in your actions, in your being there for others. just because you're majoring in social work doesn't make you obliged to help others. it is because you want to help others that makes you help others! the world is in dire need of people like you now, trust me.
life is still going to be full of struggles which could be more or less depending on which stage of life you're in. but nobody has to walk alone. don't try to walk alone, coz you'll not stand for long. talk to friends, talk to your family... you don't have to appear strong. you don't have to appear stable. even if you find it uncomfortable to break that image all of a sudden, try letting go a bit at a time. confide to others your smaller problems, and slowly let yourself trust that those who love you will love you still even if you come to them asking them to share the burden you're tired of carrying.
think of it.. if you go, your mum will be bearing an even larger burden. the guilt of not being able to save you. she's going to think that she's a terrible mother. with your father gone also, it's going to be an even huge hit to her.. as far as i want to tell you that you should live for yourself, in the short run, live at least for those who love you. when you kill yourself, you don't end the pain, you simply multiply it and spread it to everyone around you.

[*Jen*]

Hey,

I am sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. You are strong enough to get through this. I know you might not feel it but look how far you have come already. You are always there to help your friends and they should be there to help you as well when you need them. Is there one particular friend who you could chat to? It might just take a huge weight off you to be able to chat to someone and get it all out. You shouldn't have to hold it all in and that only makes it much worse.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I know you might have regrets about what you should have done but these regrets will only make you feel worse. I can understand why you might feel it is your fault but you never know whether this surgery would have worked or helped. You can never tell and your dad obviously cared about you loads to put you before his surgery. It really wasn't your fault though. You have enough to deal with already without blaming yourself for what happened to your dad.

I know you can fight this so keep hanging on in there. I am always here if you want to chat. Stay strong.

[Jacksonian]

1.) The most important thing at this moment and the next few days : Forgive yourself(this doesn't mean you are forgetting your father or saying that you don't care).

2.) You will make things for your mother harder by harming yourself and by being gone. Since you don't want to make things hard for her, don't harm yourself.

3.) Talk to your friends. It is time for you to go to them. Don't fake happiness. Get the closest friend you have and talk to her/him and tell your friend how much you are suffering.

NB : Reaching out is not stupid. It isn't. It is good that you have reached out to someone. Don't give up hope and stop thinking about hurting yourself. Don't think about it anymore. If those thoughts come to your mind again, confront them and tell them your life is a gift and you are going to live.