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What have I done? - April 1st 2010, 01:04 AM

So I've been trying in vain to finish my physics homework, on harmonic motion, and seeing the word "pendulum" so many times has made me realize just how hard it is to get one of these damn things to stop oscillating, especially when they're emotional in nature.

I feel utterly empty in every sense of the word. I used to be thoughtful and intelligent, I had friends, a perfect GPA, near perfect ACT and SAT scores, and a future.

It's been two years, and now I feel like the only thing I can do is stare at the fucking walls, "waiting around to die," as Townes Van Zandt would put it. I can't communicate, I can't think well enough to study or write a paper, I can't feel. My psychiatrist isn't exactly reassuring, either. She's been telling me that all this is due to my four-month period of heavy drinking back in 2008, as though that had somehow fried my brain. I just can't believe that's the case, and if it is, what hope do I have? If this is the best I'll ever feel, will someone please hand me a gun.

I've been on meds. They all made me either suicidal or anxious. I still felt hollow, the only difference was that I actually cared that I was slowly fading away. Talk therapy never helped either -- my mind blanks every time I talk to a therapist and I end up feeling worse than I did before.

I know it's cliche, but "Dear God, What have I done?" More importantly, what can I do now?
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Re: What have I done? - April 2nd 2010, 11:39 PM

Hey James,
I think it's great you are continuing to see a phyciatrist to get better. But I also think it's important to tell her the side effects of the medication. Because if they are making you anxious and suicidal, maybe those aren't the right ones? If your phyciatrist isn't reassuring, maybe try a different one? Sometimes it takes time to find a person you click with. If it's to hard to talk to someone, don't be afraid to write things down because it's important for people around you to know how you are feeling so they can help you. Also, find something to keep you going. It can be anything. A baby cousin, friend's puppy, or just a love of music. Anything that makes you smile. Whenever you are having a rough time, think of that. Find a way to express yourself and let all your emotions out.
Originally Posted by Ghost On The Highway View Post
I feel utterly empty in every sense of the word. I used to be thoughtful and intelligent, I had friends, a perfect GPA, near perfect ACT and SAT scores, and a future.
That doesn't mean you can't get this back! Don't lose hope! Your ACT and SAT scores don't just disappear, you still ahve those! You are still thoughtful and intelligent! You didn't lose any of that. And you can always make new friends and work hard again. You did it once, so that's proof you can do it again. You do have a future ahead of you. Yes, you may have to work harder then you did before, but that doesn't mean you can't do it! Set some goals for yourself. Be determined to accomplish those goals. They don't have to be huge, just little day to day goals. Because afterwards, you feel accomplished like you did something and took a step towards your future. I'm always here to talk.
Take care,

Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
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