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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
snowblind Offline
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Question Just some advice, please? - May 10th 2010, 03:03 AM

Lately, I've lost a lot of friends. I walked away from one, who we'll call Marie. She convinced the other three of my good friends to walk away as well, by telling them lies about me. This left me with probably two friends, and I've never felt so alone in my life, which is saying something because I've always been sort of an introvert.
I've also been having a terrifying dream repeatedly, where a creature you cannot see, only feel (it feels like terror, constricting, suffocating terror) burns down my house and kills my family. It then takes me away from my friends, and where ever it touches me I bruise the next day. It mostly touches my ribcage, and I'm really scared about it, but don't know what to do.
Because of this dream, my normal 4.0 is slipping, and my mom is getting angry. I am 24 out of 229 in my class, and my mom calls me a loser, and says daily how ashamed she is of me. I only try to make her proud, it's become my goal in life. I'm just a disappointment to her, and she tells me I'm the biggest mistake of her life a lot.
She also caught me cutting, which is something I've struggled with for two years. It honestly makes me feel better. She got angry, naturally, but refuses to help me. She humiliates me about it, and tells me I'm worthless and should feel ashamed and how stupid cutting is, which I am aware of.
I've always struggled with depression, and I'm in counseling and have been for a year. We've tried anti-depressants, but they seem to make it worse. Music usually gets me by, but lately I cannot stand it. 30 seconds into a song, I'll get annoyed and turn it off or change the song. All the emotion I used to let go of while listening to music now is building up inside, and I'm scared it's going to burst. I've got no one I trust now, and I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm just confused, sad, and hopeless. It's getting worse by the day, and I don't know what to do. Any ideas? Please, they're very much welcome.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 10th 2010, 04:16 AM

Hi, I first off would like to say how sorry I am about how horrible your mother treats you. She isn't a true mother, she isn't even a parent.
When it comes to your friends, I know how hard it is only having a few friends, but I find that it's better having few friends who you can truely trust and confide in, rather than a bunch of friends who really couldn't care about you, they just use you for popularity.
I think that the creature in your dreams is probably formed by all the stress and self-worth you are dealing with. You feel useless and unwanted, so your creature is invisible. The bruising caused from where the creature touches you, is probably self inflicted during the dream but you aren't aware of it since you are sleeping.
You aren't stupid of useless or a loser or anything your mother says. She's unhappy with herself and therefore needs to make remarks towards you to make herself feel better, and empowered.
It sucks that you have to deal with that and that it's affecting you to where your grades are slipping. Is there noone else in your family, or one of your friends you could stay with? Your dad doesn't do anything about it?
I've always found music to help get me by, but I understand how you get sick of it at times, and often find yourself listening to depressing songs which makes it worse. The counseling hopefully helps some, but a side effect of anti-depressants, is depression, so it's only making it worse for you.
Honestly, the cutting does nothing to help, coming from someone who did it for nearly 6 years. All it does it makes things worse and cause more stress because unless you don't care if people know about it, you find yourself always trying to hide it and needing to buy medical things to take care of the cuts when you do them.

I wish I could help you more personally but I hope what I've said helps some.
Keep your head up and your mind open. Things will get better.

If you would like to talk more about it, please feel free to contact me.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 10th 2010, 04:43 AM

Hey there, thank you.
It's hard to trust people nowadays, and those few trustworthy friends are priceless. It's hard to talk about certain things with them, though.
I was discussing the dream with someone earlier, and they had the same thought that it was self-inflicted. I'm considering putting on gloves or something of that nature, and see how that turns out.
No one else in my family lives within my state, and my friends don't have any room. My mom wouldn't allow it, either, she'd as soon get me thrown into the juvenile detention center, since she works in the courts. My dad isn't the dominant one in the relationship, he sits back and watches it happen.
The counseling does help a bit, but seeing as how she is overrun with patients she forgets a lot of details, and gets me confused with other people. Lately, we've just been talking about little things, plans for my future, my dream house, friendships. I'm scared to tell her I'm in a downward spiral again.
I know cutting doesn't do much, just makes it worse. I've tried to stop, and my mom takes pictures of my arms every day, so I can't do it anymore or else I probably will end up in juvie.

It did help, thank you.
   
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 10th 2010, 06:25 AM

You can't end up in Juvie just for cutting.
If you are 16 or older, you can become emancipated and your parents will have no control over you anymore, but it also means they could kick you out of the house with no reason, so make sure you have somewhere to go.
I'm sure you really wanted to, one of your family members would take you in if they knew what was going on.
The gloves may not help, you may just hit harder and still see bruising.
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 10th 2010, 11:49 AM

Hello snowblind!!
I really feel bad of your condition...
Im not making it in detail, as we are here to encourage you and cheer you up, not to discourage or make you dumb in your worries further.
So I would suggest you to speak to your mom about your problem, I hope she will understand.
   
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 11th 2010, 04:44 AM

Hey joshuab.
I'll talk to her, I'm hoping she will.

sfox, I know, but my mom has a lot of power over that system, so I could end up in there if I'm not careful. She'd find a reason.
If it comes to that, I can always go to my brothers, I suppose. Thanks for the idea!
Got a black eye from it last night. I might just wrap them up in a shirt or something to cushion it, and try that out. :/
   
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 11th 2010, 04:48 AM

You need to do something about it, or at least talk to someone about it.
Would it help if you took a sleeping pill or anything?
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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 11th 2010, 04:56 AM

Hi.

The way your mother is treating you isn't fair, but I believe it's just because she doesn't understand. I think if you sat down and had a talk to her, she might understand you better. Your mother loves you, even if it may not seem like it, and sometimes people don't know how else to react other than getting angry or upset when they find out things about people they care about. I know you mentioned that you're in counseling, but in order for you to get better, your mother has to be more understanding. Has your counselor ever talked to your mother? I think that might help. Also, if you're having a hard time meeting her expectations, I think you should tell her. Otherwise, she may just think you don't care or you're just being lazy, which you're clearly not.

As for the cutting issue, I don't think it's stupid at all. At the moment, it seems like it helps. I promise you it doesn't. The mindset you're in makes you think it's helping, while it's only making things worse. I'm not sure if you're currently trying to quit, but I think when you're ready, you should let somebody know. Like your counselor, a friend, or somebody else you trust. It helps when you have a strong support system to help you get through these tough times, and they could help you find better ways to cope other than hurting yourself.

I know everything seems so hard right now, but everything will get better. Please take care.


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Re: Just some advice, please? - May 13th 2010, 04:27 AM

sfox, I'm not sure. As a general rule, my mom doesn't allow me to have any type of pill. If I'm lucky, I get an aspirin for a migraine.

Apollo, hello. My mom doesn't understand, that is true, but she doesn't really want to understand. I've told her I need help, and talked to her, and she gets angry. My counselor and my mom have talked, and my mom hates her. As far as my mom is concerned, my counselor is just as crazy as I am. My mom doesn't really care what I do, for her it's what I could do, not what I do. She isn't proud of me because I'm 24 in my class, grade-wise, because she thinks I could be first, valedictorian. She isn't proud of me if I get straight A's on my report card, because one is a 91% and I can do better than that, apparently. I try to make her see, but it doesn't work.

As for telling people, I have told my counselor, but she hasn't brought it up since. My friends don't know that I do, I'm scared to tell them. One day soon I hope I'll find the courage. Thank you, you take care as well.
   
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