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Toast Offline
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Name: Toast
Gender: Female
Location: Canada

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Join Date: January 9th 2009

There is something wrong with me... - August 5th 2010, 09:06 PM

Okay so I don't know what is wrong with me. I finally got a job a couple weeks ago and I was thrilled because that meant I could finally make my dream come true: owning my own horse. I have recently realized that I really hate to work. Not my job in particular(I work at a kennel), but I just hate working.... so much that it makes me depressed to know that I have to work for only 3 hours the next day. So much that I was looking up ways to hurt myself without causing permanent injury so that I wouldn't have to work... also because I was sort of hoping that it might convince my parents to pay for the horse for me so I wouldn't have to work(They are fine with paying $200 a month for horse riding lessons, but not for board which I'm pretty sure is because they want me to learn that I have to suffer if I want something that makes me happy) It also kind of makes me sad to see dogs because it reminds me of work, and I love dogs. I know this is really messed up but it's true and I know I need help. I thought everything was finally going to work out for me but that would never happen, no matter how much I deserve it(I think I do work hard in life, I just hate mindless labour). I feel really trapped because I don't want to work but if I don't then I won't get my horse and both of those options really suck. Also, I have an anxiety disorder and a personal history of depression as well as family history on both sides of depression and suicide.
Oh, and my parents don't really care. I was trying to explain to her how upset I was feeling and she just said "that sucks" and walked away. That hurt. It's hard enough anonymously posting this on the Internet.

Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means. ~Rudolf C. Binding

Last edited by Toast; August 5th 2010 at 10:11 PM.
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arashkzadeh Offline
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Arrow Re: There is something wrong with me... - August 6th 2010, 04:41 AM

While keeping your current job, try to find a new one. Having a horse is fun, but keep in mind that there are a lot of responsibilities as well. Try to save some money to ensure that you can financially keep the horse healthy just in case something happens. Don't worry you have your whole life to live, and you have plenty of time to get what you want in life . Just stay mentally strong!

- Arash Dadashzadeh
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