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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Unhappy Holding on. - September 14th 2010, 10:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm trying to hold on...I really am. It's like I'm drowning underwater and there's nothing to help me stay afloat. Not even myself. There's something inside me that's fighting not to hurt myself and saying that there are people who care. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it still doesn't seem to work and I sink deeper in this black depression. No-one seems to know or understand what I'm going through because I haven't told many people. The ones I have must've forgotten what I'm going through, think I'm OK or am "over" this depression because I'm constantly smiling no matter how bad I'm feeling. I just want one person, just one, to look at me and say "Your not fine. Now tell me what's wrong." But no-one has and no-one will because they look straight past my smile that doesn't meet my eyes and think that I'm OK. But there's no way I'm OK. There's this hole inside my chest that makes me feel numb and makes me want to cry all the time. Today when I was having a little nap when I came back from school and I thought "Please let me not wake up so I won't have to feel this pain anymore."
I hate it that the people at school treat me like a piece of shit that they've stepped on. For example today I was in Drama last period and because there was only 3 people in the class, a few of the Year 8 students were there because they were trying to figure out what performance to do for I think it was assembly. Now I get along with them greatly and the other people in my Drama class. But today the other 2 boys and I had our differences. Like the Year 8 students and the other 2 boys were reharsing for the assembly. I'm part of it but I was drawing on the board. They wanted another girl to be part of the ensemble so they were discussing getting one of the boys in my class sister to be involved who is also in Year 8. One of the boys was like "Rianna you can go." Instantly I felt angry because one thing I can't stand is people telling me what to do though I put up with me. I said "Why do I have to go?" and he was like "Because your not doing anything." And my teacher was like "And your wasting my pen." The other student teacher knew I was pissed off because she saw me slam the pen down.
And then again while in Drama at the start of the lesson, one of the boys goes "I had a dream about [insert name here]" Obviously I can't say his real name because I don't think he would appreciate it very much . But anyway he used to be one of my brothers friends and because the high school I go to was only built in 2003, it made this guy the first Year 12 to go through the school. But yeah, he was an absolutely AMAZING actor. Like one of the best Drama students I have ever seen and I'm not exaggerating because I know him well or that I talk to him. He was just SO good. The way he moved and his vocals were just so well defined it was like he had choreographed every single move when I know that the way he acts was so natural to him. But this other guy is also a good actor but isn't as well defined as this other guy is. I think he's kind of jealous at his ability to perform so well. I mean this guy won so many Drama awards as well as receiving Performing Artist at the end of the year. I admit this guy in my class is a good actor but this other guy inspired me so much just to keep going. This guy in my class thinks he's the best Drama student to go through the school when he wasn't. Now it may sound like I'm an arrogant bitch but I'm just telling the truth. I admit I'm not the best Drama student. Because when the other guy said that he had the dream that had this other guy in it the student teacher was like "Whose that?" And I was like "He was an amazing actor! I love him!" And the other guy was like "He wasn't that good. He didn't really perform in Drama nights." And I was like "Just because he didn't perform at those sort of things doesn't mean he wasn't a good actor. He was amazing!" And that's been his excuse. That just because he didn't really perform in things at school that he doesn't love Drama as much as him or wasn't the best performer when in fact he was HECK of a lot better then him. It just makes me angry about what he says about him. Yeah, he's performed at a lot more school productions but this other guy is just so much more talented then him. I just think that the talent this boy as is going to waste.
Then I received an e-mail from this Uni I applied for telling me that they would like to invite me for an interview for the Facility of Arts with the course that I applied for was Bachlor of Journalism and Communications. I applied for other Art related courses as well but the 9 preferences I applied for wasn't all Art based. But I keep finding out that some people who applied for Art based courses are getting in straight away for Early Entry while I have to attend an interview which I really don't understand. It kind of makes me feel worthless because other people can easily get into Uni while I have to attend a fucking interview.
I'm sorry that this thread is so long but I really need to let it out because I'm finding it hard to keep going and holding on.



Last edited by Disclosure.; September 14th 2010 at 10:57 AM.
   
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Re: Holding on. - September 14th 2010, 11:24 PM

Rihanna,

Don't apologize for the length. I think it is good that you got the things that were bugging you out in the open. It really helps.

Now, as for the depression, as hard as it is we have to tell people we are struggling in order for them to see. When we plaster on a smile they believe it in part because they want to and also because they don't want to upset us by asking 'hey is everything okay?' If they do that they run the chance of upsetting the person by treating them differently just because they once were suffering. I remember someone telling me that piece of advice and I try my hardest to hold onto it. Let the people in your life know you are struggling. Yes, it is a hard step to take but it could do a lot of good. It might help you see that you do not have to fight this alone; you should not have to fight this alone but you have to let people in and let them fight with you.

As for the issue with drama; I know sometimes people can piss us off but the fact is you know the truth. That guy can say whatever he wants about your friend and you still know the truth. Also, if it bothers you that much maybe you could suggest to this boy that he not bring up your friend? Explain to him that the boy he is referring to is someone you are close with and you would much rather he not talk badly about him. And, try to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion, as long as they are not hurting people, and this boy is no different. He thinks your friend wasn't the greatest actor, so what? You know the truth and he can think whatever he wants just like you can. As long as he blatantly does not disrespect you then you have to try and let it go, yeah?

As for the Uni issue; there could be a number of reasons for you needing to do the interview, do not jump to the conclusion that you are not good enough. I am sure that is the farthest thing from the truth. And, don't tell yourself that you are worthless because it will not help matters. Remember you are perfect just the way you are and no matter what happens nothing can change that.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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