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-   -   Triggering (Suicide): Ready To End It (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t60467-ready-end/)

Metal♥Lover November 24th 2010 02:18 AM

Ready To End It
I'm thinking about suicide again. I know you don't want me to, but...
I just can't get it off my mind.
And to be honest, I don't want to think about suicide either.
Now do you see? I can't help it when I get thoughts like this...

Right now I am feeling as bad as I've ever felt, and none of you know anything about it because you all think I'm fine. I know what I need to do in order to help myself, but It's just too difficult for me to reach out and ask for help. I'm so afraid of being told I'm lying or that I'm just out for attention. I fear rejection which surprises me because rejection is one thing that I've had to deal with all my life. You'd think I would be used to it by now. You'd think I wouldn't be scared.

You'd be thinking wrong. Oh so wrong.

I think I'm forgetting to mention that I'm being bullied at school again. I was hoping so badly that this wouldn't happen but one little part of me knew that the peace just would not last. Bullying me is like a fad at my school that never dies out. It never gets old. Yes, picking on poor little vulnerable April is ALWAYS fun, isn't it? Apparently so. But little do those people realise that what makes them laugh is what makes me want to kill myself. Today in English I got picked on while the teacher wasn't in the room. People next to me were saying things about me that were just loud enough for me to hear and they knew this. They wanted to make sure that I heard every single word that came out of their mouths just so that I will be guaranteed to be hurt by it.

Well, they suceeded.

I'm just so tired of constantly being mistreated and not being able to do anything about it. I know that I have the option of confiding in someone, but what good will that do? One person can't stop an entire student body from using me to get their kicks. That's right, I only have a one-person support system. Not even my parents are willing to help me. They just shrug it off when I tell them about how I'm being mistreated. They just shrug it off like it's nothing, saying things like "Oh, you'll just have to get used to it or move on. Bullying is a fact of life, face it. Get over yourself and stop being such a whiner about it all.". Sometimes I ask myself, would they think the same way when I'm dead? Will they still stick by their opinions once they find my suicide note explaining everything? Will they truely mourn my loss and grieve or will they just sadly shake their head and go about their buisness without any second thoughts? Sometimes I can't stop myself from wondering about these things.

But there's just one person, one name stopping me from doing this to myself, from completing the suicide note and following through with my plans.
That person is you. And you don't even know about the suicidal thoughts I've been having, about the bullying.

And if I lose you? Well, let's just say I'd be gone the moment it happens.


Metal♥Lover November 24th 2010 04:14 AM

Re: Ready To End It
10 views and no replies...I know I shouldn't complain, but is this really how much people care?

.:Bibliophile:. November 24th 2010 04:33 AM

Re: Ready To End It
Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment but I want you to know that it can get better. Life really has a way of turning around unexpectedly.

You know, I think people who face rejection on a more regular basis fear it more then those who don't. When you are constantly faced with rejection you start to fear it. But, the best advice I can give you is that you work on overcoming that. Yes, there are going to be some people who are going to reject you but there are also going to be people who embrace you. The only way to find those people and be embraced is by opening up. Rejection is scary, I know this, but try remembering that the sting of rejection only lasts a little while and then you can move on. We all face rejection at times but we can grow struggle from every rejection. Most importantly don't let your fear stop you from getting help.

As for the bullying there are two things I want to say on the issue. Firstly, you should tell someone. I know they can't make people automatically stop bullying you but telling someone will make you feel less alone. Secondly, just because you are being bullied now doesn't mean you will be bullied forever. I was bullied all throughout my junior high and high school years and it scarred me but now that I am older I don't face that type of bullying anymore. The older you get the less intense bullying can get. Now, I know you might not believe me because I didn't believe people when they told me it gets better but it really is true. As you get older things can get better, things will get better. The older you get the less people care about how you look, or what you wear and the more they care about what is on the inside.

Have you ever thought of making a reasons to live list? Sometimes when people are struggling they can not see all the reasons they have to live. However a reasons to live list might help you realize all the reasons you have to keep fighting. Another thing that might help is if you write down the good things that happen in a day. I started doing this recently and it helps immensely because sometimes all I can see are the bad but when I sit down and actually think about it I am able to see a few good things. I admit that those good things are small but they are enough to keep me happy and maybe it will be the same for you.

Lastly, I really think it would be important for you to reach out to a school counselor. I know you fear rejection but I am sure a counselor could help you deal with these issues. I know it might be hard to reach out but it could do you a lot of good. Most schools provide their students with counseling services and maybe yours does too. Do you think you could look into that? Try to put aside that fear of rejection and take a leap to help yourself?

I really hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to pm me.

Jenna :)

FlyingTrue November 24th 2010 04:36 AM

Re: Ready To End It
Hi April,
Let me be the first to say, it is obvious you aren't lying, and the way you are being treated is not acceptable by any means.

I suggest talking to one of the guidance counselors about the bullying, and how it is making you feel also, maybe it would help to be transferred to a different school where you'd be dealing with an entirely different student body.

I think a good idea would be to write your thoughts out and hand it to your parents. Write everything in a long detailed letter similar way to your post here. They can not deny words on paper. Hopefully after reading it they should give you the help you need in this tough time. Remember, you should never be afraid to ask for help. Try to stay strong okay?

jduck November 24th 2010 04:44 AM

Re: Ready To End It
hey, so i know it may be hard, and i know that you fear rejection, but please remember that not everyone out there is gonna think that youre lying, or think that you just want attention, or reject you. there are a lot of people who care about you. including a lot of people on this site who would be more than happy to talk to you any day any time when you need help. its not fair how people are treating you, but dont end your life over it. youre beautiful, and you deserve so much more than that. keep your head up and be strong, and youll make it through.

if you ever wanna talk to somebody, PM me, and ill be there (:

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