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Melody Pond Offline
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Name: Rachel
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Slipping back into depression. - November 29th 2010, 12:27 PM

Wow, I haven't posted in this forum for a long time so I might as well give some back story.

I used to suffer from depression and I used to self harm about 4 years ago and this was mainly caused by bullying.
Eventually the bullying stopped and I got better and I managed to get my life back on track.

In the past 6 months I have slipped back into depression and a lot of things have contributed to it.
I haven't slipped back into self harm though but I am terrified of that happening...

In August I didn't get into University which really knocked my confidence and I had to go back to college which I was dead set on not doing but I had no choice. I have accepted now that I have to do this if I want to go to Uni next year but everyday I walk into college and think "I shouldn't be here, I should be in Uni right now.".

My Grandad had a very aggressive form of cancer and at the end of August he began to deteriorate and it was very difficult to watch. He passed away last month and I haven't actually dealt with it.

Last week my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me. We have been bickering for the past 6 months and I have been really horrible to him and eventually he got sick of it and broke up with me. I hadn't dealt with my grief or anger at all and I pretended everything was all fine but I would snap at him for nothing and take everything out on him.
I now just feel so terrible and guilty for ruining what was pretty much the only good thing left in my life.

Oh I have also failed my driving test twice recently so my confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom.

College put up an announcement a few weeks ago that a professional counsellor is going to come into 2 days a week and anyone can go see her for free whenever we want if we email her for an appointment. So I emailed her and I have an appointment to see her on Wednesday. I took me about a week to actually send the email though, I kept backing out...

I am really really nervous about this though. I have no idea what happens at things like this. Also I do think it will take me a while to trust her and be able to tell a stranger everything about my life...

So basically I am not sure why I am posting this. I kind of wanted to write everything down and see if it helped me make sense of everything that has happened and why I am feeling like this.

If anyone has any experiences of counselling and can give me an idea of what to expect I think that will really help me feel less nervous for Wednesday...

Last edited by Melody Pond; November 29th 2010 at 01:03 PM.
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how.we.operate. Offline
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Re: Slipping back into depression. - November 29th 2010, 07:33 PM

Hey hugs.
Letting it out on here is a great thing to do. I have the same feeling of wanting to back out or not wanting to slip back into depression/SH.
College is something that sucks when you don't get into it right away, but seriously don't be hung up over it! Try to apply again. Since you are in the UK, I am not sure how it works, but here we can apply to transfer and it is a lot easier to get into a college through transferring than applying.

In terms of your ex, I'm sorry. It hurts when you fight with them because both of you feel strong feelings and get mad or hurt. You are still young, you still have time to find another guy! Don't let this get the best of you.

I'm sorry about your Grandfather. I've dealt with a lot of death too, but there never is a great way to get over it. S**t happens and it is life...it will suck, so you have to find your own way of coping and getting over this.

I'm glad that you took that step to make an appointment. I think that you really just need to get this out. I think you need to talk to someone about it and release all of what is stuck in your mind. Try to reach out to a friend or someone that you can talk to and just tell them all of what you are thinking. Try not to talk to your ex and to ignore all messages from him. Give yourself time to heal, give yourself time to find what to do. Talk to the counselor, I know it is a huge step for you, but please do try. You won't know if it helps until you try.
I hope things get better, feel free to PM anytime

Leave the past behind, just walk away
When it's over, and the heart break
And the cracks begin to show

*~*~This little girl was alone in the world~*~*
Hold Onto Hope
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