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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Name: Jessica
Age: 27
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So sick of this! - May 23rd 2011, 11:08 PM

Fuck everything. Fuck this world. Fuck life. Fuck it all. I hate it! Nothing ever fucking works. I'm so fed up with all this shit. That's all I am is a peice of worthless shit. No one gives a fuck anyway. How many times have I tried to talk to my dad only to have him fucking reject me???? Too fucking many. Now I have to go fucking stay with him????????????????????????????????????????????? FUCK THAT SHIT! I'll stay on the streets first!!!!! I HATE HIM HATE HIM HATE HIM!!!! Calling your daughter names, telling her how pathetic and stupid she is, is a great way to make her HATE you. Siding with everyone but me and lying to everyone saying how you always try to fucking reach me but it's all a lie!!!! Is that how much worth I have???

I hate being broke. I can't do fucking anything! Everyone gets to go out and have fun but I have to stay home because everything costs money even gas. I don't have any left!!!! I have one tank left, and I MIGHT be able to car pool to school for this semester, which thankfully my grant is covering. However, I no longer have money for books either. This means I am quitting college. Yupp. My college career is over this semester if I can't find a job, and I've been searching for one for a fucking year!!!! No one will even fucking call, what the fuck am I doing wrong????????? My mom can't get a job either, and we have only enough to keep us here until October. After that, we are out of a place to go and I REFUSE to go stay with my dad. I SWEAR I'll kill myself first. I will NOT be tormented EVERY FUCKING DAY again!!! Nothing I do is ever enough. I'm treated coldly, he acts like it's a chore to talk to me, and constantly reminds me of what a peice of shit I am. I shouldn't have to be anywhere near him!! I'm his only kid and this is how he treats me? I know I'm no where near what he wanted me to be, but wtf am I supposed to do????

I'm so fucking scared of what's going to happen. I've slipped up with cutting when I made it so long, my boyfriend never stops lying and I'm trying my best to slowly leave him without making it too stressful on myself, my friends have all left me, everytime I call I get no answer or a text saying they are busy!!! NEVER do they call or at least text me back to say hello. I sit in my room all day bored, too poor to do shit, unwanted so it's not like I ever get anyone visiting or calling me even just to say hi....

I've been searching for a job hours everyday, applying for anything I can get too. I'm so desperate it's pathetic. My was even laughing at me because she says I'm being dramatic and we have a house for now so why am I so worried and I can just go stay with my fucking dad!!!! She's like... you have food so just shut up. Is food supposed to be enough to make me feel okay? I have food and house. I have one tank of gas left for me to get to school till I find someone I can hopefully car pool with. After this semester... goodbye school until I can get a job as if that'll ever fucking happen. I'm so fed up with all of this shit.

And of course my laptop is fucked which I need for school and I have no money to fix it obviously. I just wanna fucking die. I don't deserve to be alive. I just wanna die!


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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inthebelljar Offline
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Re: So sick of this! - May 24th 2011, 12:19 AM

It sounds like you have a lot going on, I can't even imagine. I'm sorry about your dad and boyfriend issues, and I empathize about being short on money.

Let me just say this: be strong. I know that's probably not the answer you're looking for, but it's the answer I'm going to give you. It seems IMPOSSIBLE right now, but soon, it might not. Soon, you might look back and think "hey, I'm really glad that I made it through" - you never know what positivity life might throw you.

You absolutely deserve to be alive. You do, believe that if you believe anything I'm writing you right now. No matter how anyone treats you, you have to treat YOURSELF the right way. You need to believe that you're alive for a reason. You have something to contribute to this world, whether you believe it or not.

Feel free to message me.


Emily
I have the choice of being constantly active and
happy or introspectively passive and sad.
Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-Sylvia Plath
   
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