It's pointless

[Ella.x]

Life is completely pointless. I've been diagnosed with BPD and depression. I can't cope. I'm trying so so hard to be normal. I'm trying to stop self harming but I just scratched myself with a pin, granted it's not nearly as bad as what I usually do but it's still self harm. It's 3:00pm and I'm already drunk because I don't knwo what else to do on my day off. I just want to feel something. I want to laugh and be happy and not be crazy. If I can't have that then I want to die. I can't see myself ever getting better. I've been like this for years and it only ever gets worse. I thik I'm going to do it properly this time. I just need to save up enough pills. I'm sorry for ruining everything.

[Toz]

Hi there Ella,

First things first, that is a beautiful name. Really.
Now, I'm sorry you feel this way. I can understand why these things make you mad. But is life really pointless? I beg to differ. The BPD and the depression, these aren't things that you should let inhibit you. You can make a difference. You can tell yourself that you won't let these things get you down, and you can go out there and help people who are in similar situations. It's going to be hard, trying to change your outlook. No one is ever going to say it's easy. But it will damn well be worth it. Please feel free to PM me, and take care.
Love,
Toz

[Ella.x]

Thankyou. The way I am at the moment, there's no way I can help others in my situation. I spend all my time at work caring for the elderly and pretending to be happy at the same time which is absolutely exhausting. I can't Help anyone else. I can barely look after myself. Stopping self harm is the hardest thing ever. I literally want to tear my face off and rip my body to shreds. I want to peel the skin off my body and crush every single bone. I feel so self destructive and Idon't know what to do about it. I need serious help, but I don't even get sick pay so I can't take time off my job to get help as I have to work 45 hours a week to pay the bills. I'm so scared and stressed and I'm about to snap. I can't carry on like this. I don't even know if I can be helped. I feel like a completely lost cause. x

[zombiehunterforhire]

well while it'll seem things wont get better, things will get better trust me. your on this earth for a reason just remember that. PM me if you want to talk about it.

[Ella.x]

I need to kill myself. I'm so bad. I can't cope. It has to be done.

[Palmolive]

Hey there Ella.

I am really sorry that you're feeling so low right now. It is such a horrible place to be in and you don't deserve the pain you're having to go through right now.

I want you to know that life can get better for you and that it won't always be this way. That you can have a better life. But it's going to take time and it's going to be a lot of hard work to get there.

I think you need to give yourself some goals. These could be things such as starting college, getting a carer (in nursing, animals etc, what ever you fancy!) having your own family, to write a book, to help a charity, to run the marathon and so on. It can be anything. Set yourself a small goal for the next day too. Like do some knitting, go for a run, watch a film. Just little thing to look forward to and then perhaps at the end of each day treat yourself to a bath or something you enjoy to reward yourself for getting through another day.

I also think if you're not already, having therapy could really help you. Check out this. All these people care for you can can point you in all the right directions of how to get help.

You are worth so much more than this and I know you can get through it. I know it seems hard right now and it's really bad and you are really struggling but they can get better. Remember to hold on to hope and to believe in yourself because you can beat this lovely, you really can.

I hope this helps.
Jessie

[Toz]

But you don't want to. You know that. It's a scary thought. You posting here alone is proof of that. 45 hours a week is hell. But it won't always be like this. Life will get better as long as you're willing to make the effort. It's good you're working and helping the elderly. But what I think might help you is if you set a bit of time aside for yourself. You can devote at least 10 minutes to yourself a day and feel better, can't you?

[Ella.x]

I've just started in a career that I love. I'm a home carer for the elderly. I'm okay when I'm at work, but when I'm on my own, it's like a black cloud over my head. Any time that I have for myself just gives me time to hate myself even more. I am a horrible person, there's no point in me even being alive. I feel awful. I don't know how to fix this. I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to OD. I want to DIE. I want to crash my car and then slit my wrists and just die. There is nothing else that I want in the world. Something is wrong and I don't know what to do :/

[Thirteen]

Ella, I completely understand some of these feelings.

I have BPD myself, and one thing I've noticed about myself, as well as others with BPD, is that we're not fond of being alone. On your days off, is there anything to do, or anyone to hang out with? Getting out of the house could help.

You're 20 years old. Things CAN still get better. Another thing about BPD, is that the peak of symptoms usually happens while the person with BPD is in their 20's. It'll be easier overtime. But for now, have you started DBT? If not, you should. The first line of treatment for BPD is said to be DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy).

Last, but certainly not least, don't give up! Remember, there are people who care about you, both on here, and in real life.