Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Tired Of All This.

[George^^]

-Put it in non-pg with strong language because of a few swears-

I'm tired of the life I live.
I'm not going to kill myself, because there's so much I want to do,
but I'm tired of all of this.

I'm tired of never being perfect enough for my mother.
I'm tired of always feeling like I'm failing.
I'm tired of never having any secrets. My mother wants to know everything.

Tired of being alone, every day, even in a room full of people. I alienate myself because I'm different, because I've been hurt by people that I tried to give the world to. I've tried to be there, for everyone, all the damn time, and now it's gotten me here. Alone.

Want to know about my closest friend? Yea, facebook chats, promises that are never kept... I didn't even bother inviting them to my birthday because I knew they would forget, or worse, would say no, or feel awkward. I pass them all the time in the halls, and do I get a 'hi.'? No. It's like I'm nothing. Nothing but air.

I'm tired of being strong. I'm not strong. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I go to school wanting to just lie down and cry.

I'm tired of being the person who gives everything their all, and gets half of what I've given. The last friendship I've had through school? I was told that I was nothing but something to use. The girl I like treats me like shit, a lot. No, she treats everyone like shit. I'm pretty sure she's embarrassed by me, so she should be pretty fucking happy that I'm probably not going to mix with her school friends. I'd probably be forgotten anyways.I don't want to share a room with her when I'm visiting anymore. She's miles away and I'm still hurt by everything that I know will happen.

I guess I'm just tired of living this crap life. Where I can't even be myself. Where my best friend in the world is my ipod. Yea. I'm lame ;D

Sorry about this.

[minniemouseprincess]

Have you talked to someone about this?

[xxprincessxx]

Don't be sorry! You remind me of me at your age, I can tell you that it does get better! Have you tried to branch out and make friends at school, I know it's tough but I'm sure some people want to be your friend. It doesn't matter if you're "different," some people will still like you for who you are!

I'm really sorry about how you are feeling though. Have you tried talking to an adult about this and getting help from a therapist? They can be very helpful. Maybe try talking to a teacher or your school counselor! I realize you don't like your mom all in your business, but she probably just loves you and wants to be there. If you need some personal space though, just ask her! Also, you might want to tell her about how you've been feeling, she might be able to get you the help that you need!

Hang in there! It gets better! If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[George^^]

Not yet. I've been to therapy and it didn't help. No one really cares, the only people I can talk to are either part of the problem, going to talk about their own shit, say they don't understand, or be disapointed in me. Just like the last time.

[George^^]

@ xxPrincessxx, That won't really work, I don't have the social skills. Besides, everything is basically already set up, and I don't do a lot of what everyone else does.

I've talked to a counciler last year. Didn't really help. I was a rush job, got a few talks and then she left. Where I live their sent up for a little while, then return home, finished with whatever the fuck they did. My teacher would be awkward and my school counciler might talk to people like my mom or the lady I babysit for, which would make things worse.

^^' Last time I fought for personal space, my mom lectured me and said I was probably doing drugs.

Thanks <3

[xxprincessxx]

Don't give up on therapy just because it didn't work the first time. I know from experience that it takes the right therapist before it can begin to help. It's about finding somebody you can connect with and who can help you! Do you think you would be able to give another therapist a shot?

Also, people do care. I know it doesn't seem like it, but they do. Your mom obviously cares, or she wouldn't try to know everything about you. (as annoying as that is) I don't even know you and I care about you and I know that your life is worth it and you shouldn't have to live like this! Also, your school counselor can only tell if you are a danger to yourself, being abused or a danger to others!

You can get through this!

[George^^]

Maybe...

Thanks. But I know she might let it slip... (Let's say I don't have the biggest confadence in my school.)

[minniemouseprincess]

Wait, what do you mean she may let it slip?